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#26
Old 11-11-2007, 11:55 PM

28. Flirting

"I don't flirt, Missy. I assure you that I don't want him. I don't even know how to flirt. There's no way I could ever steal him away from you."

Missy looked skeptical. "And what do you call looking helpless and lost with those large eyes of yours?"

"My eyes make me look like a stupid, witless animal, and I looked lost because I was alone in a fancy party where I knew no one but you. And you were gone, flirting, as you say, with someone else."

Missy gave Sellah one of those I-don't-believe-you looks.

"I don't flirt Missy."

"So what do you do when you want to talk a boy?"

"I talk to him."

Missy snorted.

"Fine. I'll daydream. And it ends there."

"You're so booooriiiinnng."

"Well, it's who I am."

psyrien
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#27
Old 11-16-2007, 04:29 AM

RANDOM

Sometimes I feel like I should be doing something. I feel like I should be working, being productive. Relaxing like this just seems so ineffective. There should be some way to better myself further. Rest is necessary, yes, but it feels wrong.

There was a time when I didn't think like this. There was a time when work was something so very far away, something only picked up with a half serious attitude and finished on whim. Near the end, it became a more pressing thing. It pestered and nagged. However, it was still something that one could do reluctantly.

I don't know when I became like this. Work is suddenly standing right next to me, lurking behind me, breathing down my neck, staring me in the eye. He whispers to me sweetly, a possesive lover.

And I feel like I can't resist his seduction. Try as I might, I feel lured to him. Like a guilty lover having an affair, I feel as if I should be somewhere else. And work knows. He knows and he is ever present, patiently awaiting my return. He will welcome me with open arms and chastise me and accept me and keep me and devour my soul.

psyrien
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#28
Old 11-16-2007, 05:54 AM

RANDOM

...I drew him again.

No, I didn't draw my character because as much as I would like to deny it, my character is him. It's just a somewhat mangled representation. My character embodies everything I love about him.

And I honestly don't know him that well. But there are things about him--things that he has come to represent to me. He has, in a sense, become more than himself and truly my character.

But I've gone for two months without drawing him, without thinking about him. And suddenly a fierce aching longing has overcome me. How I miss him! I miss seeing him. I miss knowing that there was the possibility of actually running into him in our small town.

But now we're a million miles away from each other. Well, maybe not a million, but enough. There's no longer that possibility of simply being able to catch a glimpse of him. There's a ocean and a continent between us, and I didn't fully realize it until now.

Oh how I miss you, my love.

psyrien
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#29
Old 12-10-2007, 01:35 AM

23. First Date

It was only the first date. We had only stood close to each other on the porch and watched as the rain obscured the whole world. We hadn't strolled down the garden paths as so many couples did. We hadn't so much as touched affectionately. It was very cold and very mannered--like a formality to get out of the way.

These things may have been different for other couples, but I learned nothing. I still do not know if I could survive living with this prince day after day for the rest of my life.

Do not misunderstand me. It was not an unenjoyable dalliance. I liked being close to the prince. I liked standing near to him, almost touching, watching as the rain closed off the rest of the world so that there was only us.

But it was just the first date. Just the first step. And nothing more.

psyrien
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#30
Old 12-10-2007, 02:36 AM

RANDOM

Oh how irritating. He closed the door and turned the lock, which gave a very final sounding snick.

He closed his eyes and ran a hand through his hair. It was yet another one of those people--those people whom clung to him and bethought themselves his close friend. No, he really did not like them at all. He only seemed to like him because he was, well, a nice guy. Being a nice guy seemed to get him into trouble a lot.

He would be polite and listen to the girl's complaints but make no real attempts to continue the conversation that she was straining to make. He would listen to her gossip aimed at the obnoxious and popular that she thought herself above of. He did agree that that group was a pain, but he didn't tell her that he didn't think that she was that much farther above them and that in some respects he would have preferred them to her. He escorted her back and forth to buildings and stores because she complained that she didn't want to walk outside alone. Really, there wasn't that much of a danger. They were only in a well maintained high security area. And they were only walking twenty feet. But he had to come with her or she would simply stay in the building until she could find someone else to take her. She refused to leave the grounds by herself even though a million less capable people did it everyday and were perfectly fine.

And now she wanted him to be her roommate. It wasn't that she loved him; it wasn't anything like that--thank goodness. No, it was just that her old roommate was moving out and she didn't want to stay with someone new. She had asked two other people who had declined because they already changed roommates. He was the next on her list. She told him that his room was bigger. He had told her that he was comfortable with where he was. She offered to help him move his stuff. He told her that that wasn't it; he liked his room. She said that her room was better. He silently wondered if she thought that belittling his room would really make him so inclined to move in with her. She pleaded with him to think about it and he gave a nod even though he had already made the decision in his head. He told her he would see her later and closed the door after her.

She really didn't seem to get the picture. He couldn't live with her. He would tear her throat about the end of it. He was the kind of person who didn't live well with friends. He was a solitary creature. He could coexist in the same area with someone, but he needed space. He needed a time when he didn't have to be social. He didn't want to have to constantly exert himself to please people.

Besides, if one compared their two persons they were very different. She was a morning person while he was a night person. That difference right there should have been enough to make a decision by. She was a girly girl while he loathed that sort of thing. He found those girls to be too fluttery to be taken seriously. She wouldn't take no for an answer. She wanted to be around him all the time. If he were to be her roommate, he would have no time to relax.

In short, he would probably kill her by the end of it.

However, he wasn't quite sure how to word it without making either of the two feeling inclined to kill each other, since she seemed so bent upon having him as her new roommate while he was adamant in his decision to stay put. Oh how to word this nicely...

He had a feeling he wouldn't be able to remain the pleaser in everyone's eyes any longer.

psyrien
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#31
Old 12-10-2007, 08:11 PM

RANDOM - Coming Home

It's been a thrill, a rush. I've learned a lot, but I honestly can't say I'm that much wiser. If anything I'm perhaps a bit more jaded, a tad more cynical, but, really, what does that mean for such a bitter soul?

But I guess saying I'm bitter is slightly contradictory. I would still like to fall in love with you. I want to see you again. You, I never really knew you, but you were something like a symbol to me--and in many ways you were my love, though you never knew it. You never had a clue.

You probably never will.

But I love seeing you. I love passing you at a distance, thinking, dreaming, wondering. I foolishly fancy about the distance between us--how it is so little and how it is so much--and I think to myself: how romantic! How idiotic! But I do it anyways.

What I think about when I think about coming home is not family, not home, not the sun, or the familiar trails. It's something completely arbitrary. It really shouldn't be the first thing that comes to mind. In fact, the fact that it is makes me quite ridiculous, perhaps even pathetic.

I bet you haven't even thought of me once. You don't have a need to. You have many lovers and many friends. Why would you spare a thought to the "girl with awesome hair"?

It's funny. In many ways we were a pair without trying. Perhaps that's why I fell for your image.

Of course, I may not even see you when I come home. I probably won't. It's a silly notion. It's something that I would like. I would love to randomly pass you on the street and strike up a conversation simply because we knew each other. But I know better than that. Even though it's a small island and we probably could easily run across each other, I know it won't happen. It never happens. If I want to see you, I must carefully orchestrate something, so as to ensure it. Even then I may not see you. It's all a matter of fate.

But I'll be coming home, and I'll know that the distance between us isn't so great and that maybe, just maybe, I'll see you again.

psyrien
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#32
Old 12-10-2007, 08:18 PM

RANDOM - Maybe you're my love

I walk the streets everyday, and I've tied my hair with special care. I smile happily and in my way flirt with the world. For one never really knows. The strangers that one meets can become strange things. Friends can become even stranger things.

There are a million possibilities. I smooth my skirt, so that it flows prettily. I dance when I walk. I pout in exaggeration for I've been complimented about the way my face changes with different emotions. I'm in love with the world. And perhaps it loves me back.

I'm like this because I yearn for love. I yearn for it so much. I've had it, but never really had it. It was this close, but I could never really call it mine. It was at the point of assumption but not literal truth. But I wanted truth; I wanted reality. Yet I lost it. And now I'm back here living in my imaginary world where I look at people and I fancy to myself that maybe you're my love.

psyrien
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#33
Old 12-11-2007, 12:31 AM

RANDOM

You're so needy.

I can spend a whole day with you and ask for a night of peace, only to have it denied. You will beg and whimper like a silly puppy. Really, you're supposed to be the older one--the more mature one. I'm not used to turning people down, but it's just that I like being by myself every so often.

You're the sort of person who always wants to hang out. You're an actual extrovert--you take your energy from people. I, an introvert, get my energy from being alone, and have only known people of my like. It is my first time meeting someone like you, and it puzzles me.

And your pandering makes me only less inclined to hang around you. I don't really like staying in your room all that much. I mean, I do at times. However, it's only when I have something to do. Otherwise I just sit there and listen to you talk. Is it so wrong that I do not want to be your little doll and listen to whatever you say and do nothing? I would like to have my own life too, thank you.

There are times when I honestly don't understand you.

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#34
Old 12-11-2007, 05:31 AM

RANDOM - A Ghost from the Past

I didn't think of you at all. And then a casual reference has suddenly gotten my once clear feelings all twisted up again. It was clearly decided. I was to forget you and simply move on with my life.

It wasn't even like there was anything between us. It's just that I learned a lot from you and then had to go and be stupid. Oh so very, very stupid. I made myself vulnerable and then I called upon the great awkward space. And that is the space between us that will forever separate us. Yes, it's a rather foolish thing that's stopping me from ever talking to you again, but I am foolish. It is my nature. I doubt you even remember me anyways. And if called to remember me, you would think of nothing but a silly little antisocial girl who hid in the corner.

I guess that I've never really forgot you. Everything I've done for awhile was to, in a way, prove myself to you. I wasn't who you thought I was. I was actually socially competent. I was actually like those other people. I wasn't a lost sheep that needed to be looked after. I wanted to come down the stairs elegantly, talking in a circle of friends and glance at you. I would simply smile, and that smile would say everything. It would say that I've grown; I've changed; I'm not that same girl you knew. It would say I didn't need you.

But that I wanted you all the same.

That smile would say a lot. It would say everything that I didn't say in words. It would sweep everything away and we would start anew. Then we'd be the best of friends, and you'd be amazed with my change, with my adeptness.

But such thoughts are silly.

I'm past that now. I no longer care about proving myself to you. I'm to be myself. And I don't care what you think. You aren't the master of me. You were once, but no longer.

I would like you to think highly of me, but think it of me. I don't want it to be some great woman of social class unless I truly become such a thing. That shouldn't be the only thing to dazzle you. I would like to just be myself and for you to like me for that.

That's all.

Then, and only then, will I be able to put to rest this ghost of the past.

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#35
Old 12-11-2007, 05:52 AM

RANDOM

Stop thinking about it. Stop remembering. Stop fantasizing. Stop imaging future conversations. Face the truth. You will never ever see him again.

Okay, so maybe you might. In fact, you probably will. That's besides the point.

I guess the idea is that I can't face him. I don't know why. I feel like I've changed. I feel like I'm not the same girl. But I don't fee like it's enough for him. It isn't the full one hundred eighty degree turn about that would amaze him.

I thought I decided I didn't need to amaze him. I don't. It's just. Gah. I don't know why I'm still thinking of this. I really shouldn't be. It really doesn't matter. I don't think I'll even really talk to him again.

And if I do... I don't know what I'd say. Nothing dazzling comes to mind. I can see myself saying things casually and they'll just come out dull. It won't be impressive and I'll just be seen as the same girl in that corner.

But I'm different. Really. I am.

It's just that you can't tell with one conversation. And that I won't ever be myself around you. I've told you too much. And you don't understand. You think I'm crawling to you for pity and sympathy. Maybe I was in the beginning, but that's not what I want. That's not what I need.

If there were some way possible for friendship, it would solve this. But of course, that is impossible. I can't ever be your friend. It's too embarrassing. I would like to put it behind us and laugh about it, but I can't help but be reminded of it every time I hear your name. It's silly how you're name can put me into such a state of emotional estrangement. Really. Every single time I think I forget about you, you come back to haunt me.

It feels like I am waiting to meet you at that grand staircase. Someday I'll be great and lovely in my social glory and then you'll creep up on me and I'll turn into that painfully shy girl hiding in the corner.

I would really like to explain myself to you--tell you that I was a stupid, little high schooler who really didn't know anything and was utterly foolish and that I now know better. But of course, that's probably self explanatory, and I'm not exactly eager to bridge the gap between us.

I find it funny that I actually did receive a christmas card with your signature on it. I looked at it and I wondered if you actually remembered or if you were just going through the motion of signing christmas cards for every single youth group member. I don't know.

I'm confused about a lot of things when it comes to you.

psyrien
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#36
Old 12-11-2007, 05:55 AM

RANDOM

It's annoying. My head had been empty and clear before this. I had bee free before I was reminded of you. I was able to do whatever I liked. I could happily let my mind be absorbed in stories and fancies, but now I must think. I must think of you.

You egotistically must occupy my mind and never let me be. You are the ever present phantom breathing down my neck and the shadow always behind me.

I wish you weren't.

Oh, love, let alone. Let alone.

Penny
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#37
Old 12-11-2007, 08:40 AM

Your drabbles speak to me... or perhaps... they speak with me in a way. Or even of me. Closet and I Miss You are bloody awesome.

<3

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#38
Old 12-12-2007, 07:36 AM

@Penny
Thanks! It really isn't often that one gets complimented in the literature thread what with the million of other threads in here. People usually don't ever read other people's stuff let alone comment on it. But comments like yours make me feel so happy and warm and fluffy inside. x3 *gives you a hug*

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#39
Old 12-12-2007, 07:47 AM

actually it is inspiring enough that I want to start my own drabble :)

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#40
Old 12-13-2007, 05:59 AM

@d2hiryuu
Yay! Start your own drabble thread! ^^ Join me in lurking in the literature spot! ...just don't start until you finish your paper. xD

Penny
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#41
Old 12-13-2007, 11:54 PM

*hugs you back*
I love it when people comment my stuff, so I make an effort.
It's worth it when I get to stumble onto lovely stuff like this. <3

psyrien
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#42
Old 12-14-2007, 02:08 AM

@Penny *gives another hug* Thanks. xD

RANDOM - Don't pretend you ever forgot about me. Part I

I'm awesome.

I flash a killer smile in the mirror and wink at myself. Oh yes, I am. A tousle my hair to give it that oh so sexy, carefully disheveled look--not that it would really matter, I would look good anyways.

But everyone has their preferences.

There's this one girl. She's cute--the sort who would never realize it. And she fancies me. It's not that I'm going on the assumption, I mean fact, that everyone loves me. She all but told me. It was endearing the way she skittered around the confession with her words. She confessed that she thought about me a lot. She said that she liked my hair.

I was going to see her again today. She had left the town for an apprenticeship. She was returning for the winter, and I found myself oddly eager to see her.

* * *

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#43
Old 12-14-2007, 02:12 AM

RANDOM - Don't pretend you ever forgot about me. Part II

She arrived laden with packages, and her cheeks rosy from the cold. She smiled sweetly at everyone and greeted them warmly. She had changed. Before she had left she would have ducked her head and murmured something you couldn't hear. Now she would look you in the eye and hold the conversation. She was ever the picture of social grace. Of course, she stumbled socially every so often, but she blush and apologize and her cuteness would redeem her.

I stood at the back of the crowd and wanted to see if she would come to me. Protocol demanded that she greet everyone there with at least a brief hello. She finished up speaking with an elderly couple and started walking towards me. She gave me an open smile. She took my hand and told me that it was good to see me and hoped I was well.

I smiled back at her and told her I hoped the same for her.

She nodded and then bid me a good day and turned to leave.

I blinked. Surely she couldn't have forgotten? She couldn't have forgotten. There was no way she could have forgotten about me. Me.

I stood there for a long while after. The other greeters had dispersed back to their houses, back to their lives. They were no longer concerned with her homecoming or her. It was now time to go back to their regular schedules. I left long after the last one left. The night lights had flickered to life and a street maintainer had asked me if I should be getting home. I had nodded dumbly and had somehow wandered back to the correct house.

Perhaps she simply didn't recognize me. Perhaps the new hairstyle was too much. Perhaps she was dazed from the travel.

Surely it was a mistake.

psyrien
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#44
Old 12-14-2007, 02:25 AM

RANDOM - Don't pretend you ever forgot about me. Part III

I was to see her again tonight.

It was midwinter's eve. There would be a festival. She would probably be there all dressed up. I decided that I would honor the occasion as well. I opted for a more proper attire than my usual casual affair.

I told myself I wasn't doing it for her. It was midwinter's eve. It was for the occasion.

I arrived early and I leaned against the door frame. She wasn't inside and nor was anyone else of consequential importance. I didn't particularly feel like mingling with the widows and grandmothers who would all tell me that my hair was styled too radically for their taste. Besides, I would be able to see everyone who came in this way.

It wasn't until several people arrived that she showed up. By then my breath was coming out in white puffs--a sharp contrast to the dark night sky. She came into the light of the stairs and looked at me curiously.

"Hey," I called out to her.

"Hey," she said. She was attired simply. She wasn't dressed up in the slightest. I could tell that she had just bathed for her hair was still wet. She must have simply rushed here in whatever she picked off the bed. It was ironic--we had switched roles.

She smiled at me again. There was a something that flashed in the smile--uneasiness? I couldn't be sure. She had rushed inside and lost herself in the crowd.

Still no acknowledgment.

It couldn't be. She must have just wanted to get inside before she was missed. She had been late. Yes, that must have been it.

I exhaled a white plume, marveling at the strange patterns my breath made against the inky sky. It was cold here, and I no longer had any reason to wait outside. I glared haughtily at no one, posing for whoever might have been in the darkness. I almost felt ridiculous, but shook the feeling from me and headed into the cheery warmth of the festival.

psyrien
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#45
Old 12-14-2007, 02:42 AM

RANDOM - Don't pretend you ever forgot about me. Part IV

There she was. I found her almost immediately. She was standing there in the corner again--just as she always had. I smiled to myself. Something's just don't change.

I strode over to her and casually sat atop the table next to her. I smiled at her.

She averted her eyes and pretended not to notice. I peeked around her face. Oh, how cute. She was blushing.

She sensed my gaze and turned around, a bit too quickly. "It's not good manners to sit on the table," she said and then immediately shut her mouth, as if she felt it was an incredibly inadequate thing to say.

"Is that so?" I let a cool smile play on my lips. "Well, I was never one for good manners. You don't seem to be either." I let my gaze linger on her casual, dressed down garb.

She blushed again and turned away from me.

"Hey, nothing to be embarrassed about. You might start a new trend."

This only seemed to embarrass her more.

I scooted closer and leaned over to look her in the eye. "Hey, so what was that act earlier? You not recognize me or something?"

She looked affronted. "No--I mean, I did recognize you."

"Then why were you so cold? Why such a high and mighty social butterfly act, hm? Don't pretend you ever forgot about me."

"I didn't!" She waved her hands as if she could dispel the awkwardness. "I mean I remembered you. It's just that I..."

"Hm?" I tucked a stray lock of hair behind her ear. She flinched at the touch. "Yes, you what?"

"It's nothing." She broke away and scurried away to act nonchalant in a crowd of different people.

I sat back on the table and grinned. Oh yes, things hadn't changed. Things hadn't changed at all.

psyrien
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#46
Old 12-15-2007, 06:47 AM

RANDOM - Miss Antisocial

Sellah shifted away from the group and curled up next to the light with her sketchbook. She honestly didn't want to participate in the chatter about ribbons and horses. The others had tried to include her, and she had answered fairly enough, but without much enthusiasm.

But they just kept on trying.

And she didn't really feel like talking. She wanted to be around people, yes. She liked not sitting in the room completely alone. She liked company, but she didn't want to exert herself for it and she didn't want it to exert for her. She was painfully aware when that happened and it just embarrassed her more.

She wanted to sketch out the ideas she was thinking of for a new dress, but she didn't want everyone to stare over her shoulder and exclaim at what she was doing. She wanted to just let her mind wander and not have to worry about talking with other people.

However, other people seemed to have other plans.

She sighed. It was going to be a long night.

psyrien
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#47
Old 12-15-2007, 06:57 AM

RANDOM - The space between us.

I really can't help it. Something quickens inside of me when space lessens, and something cries out when it grows. I don't really know why.

There's something about being close to you, in proximity, touching. There's something almost magical about it.

And it's like a drug. I find myself craving it--needing it. It's inexplicable this addiction of mine. Of course, you would never know. I don't get my fix quite often enough for anyone to realize that something's amiss.

But if only I could get closer to you...

psyrien
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#48
Old 12-15-2007, 07:04 AM

RANDOM

Is it really that obvious? Was I that wanton in my actions? Something tells me that they were reading in too far, but another part of me says that they saw right through me.

Of course, I really do doubt that they're that perceptive. It was probably a lucky guess. However, it's made me paranoid now. Just how much of myself am I showing? Is there a gaping gash in my facade that lays me open to the world?

I can't be too sure any more. I used to be confident that I was the perfect actor. There was nothing I couldn't hide from the world. But now I wonder if I'm read more easily than that.

The only way to truly tell is to ask an outright question, which would give away as much as it would take. I can't ask an outright question. I must deliberate and find some other way to figure this out.

Until then I shall just have to double check myself, so that all accusations can be said to have no grounds. I shall have to bury those grounds far beneath casualty and necessity. There is no special attention to distinguish it.

Yes, this way they will never know; they will never suspect. Yes, love, we are safe.

psyrien
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#49
Old 12-18-2007, 09:23 PM

RANDOM - Here and There

I should be happy to come home. It's home. I'm going to see all my old friends again. I'll be with my family. It's home, right? I left a part of myself there.

But I'm finding that I left a part of myself here as well.

I didn't just leave on a vacation. It's not like I can leave this place and never return without any regrets. I've suddenly found that I'm attached to the place. It was in this place that I found a new sort of family and that together we braved the cold, drama, ear piercings, and never ending quest of finding good food. We bonded, and it's something that I just can't leave alone. A part of me feels very much like it got left there as well.

And so my heart is split in two. There are two homes. Perhaps this is a good thing, for some say more is better. But then there is also the pain that comes when I leave one for the other. And I feel like I'm betraying the other as I come and go. It's silly, I know, but I can't help it.

I just miss it.

psyrien
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#50
Old 12-20-2007, 11:10 PM

Not really a drabble, but a reflection on above written drabbles:

I did actually base some of these drabbles off of actual people and experiences. And now it's driving me absolutely mad because I can't remember who I wrote them about. For most of them, I can tell. I left little clues and instances in them, but there's a couple that I stupidly decided to make more vague and general and now I can't tell who they were about. TT.TT

For instance, the I Miss You drabble on the first page is making me batty. I've been trying to figure out who I wrote that about for like a month and I can't remember. Gah. You'd think that I would be able to remember it easily since I obviously missed the person enough to write a drabble about them. However, I look at the date and it's in the summer of 2007--the time of graduation and leaving for college. -.-

Unfortunately, there were a lot of people that I would miss, so that doesn't exactly help me narrow the choices down. And it's not like I can ask anyone anything because I didn't confide in anyone or write things down on a scrap of paper. In short, the subject of I Miss You is lost to me.

This saddens me very greatly.

Perhaps someday I'll remember...

 


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