Dear ____,

I don't know why your reply rubbed me up the wrong way. Then seeing the people who liked your post really made me feel furious. I actually felt my head pound with frustration. I don't even know why I care? I put it to the OP that she could visit the hospital if she was truly worried, and that was that. It's almost exactly what I done, and I got treated so much better for it. My GP was crap compared to the way the hospital handled us. Maybe their systems are different from where you're from? To say being pregnant in and of itself is fine, but to say it on a board of women who have PCOS as well? Umm... most of us are not just pregnant. Most of us have other conditions as well. So 'in your face' kind of answers like that, aren't exactly relavent.

I was going to reply, and state that all of us are on that particular board for having other issues. But then figured I couldn't be bothered with the drama. I was there to help the chick make up her mind about whether or not she should wait to see her GP, and she's decided to wait. That's her choice. She made it, and it fell in your favour. So I went in, and edited my post to a simple good luck post. Hopefully nobody saw my reply, because it's just better left dead with the fishies. I don't feel you were right, and I would like to see you get axed down - but I think when women who are pregnant (or in her case, suspect pregnancy) see emergency room come up, they instantly think it means life or death...

Plus if there's one thing I've learnt from all of this horrible miscarriage business, it's that the NZ health system is really good. It's free, and they're open 24/7. I am guessing most other countries don't have that luxury.

Please after the appointment with the psychiatrist, let it be settled. I'm so worried about this, and its fucking with my relationship and everything else. I'm tired of it. If I didn't need this, I would ask for it to be taken away. I am not a freeloader and I wouldn't be accepting money from the government if I could get by without it. If I could be normal, and live a normal life, I would. I feel totally useless like this, but the fact is that I have so many problems, it was bad enough before, with all the anxiety and being on the emotional roller coaster but now after the tornado my PTSD has gotten worse....I can't even go outside on my own, I'm too freaked out. It sucks.
And I feel like no one gets me, and I can't talk about what I'm feeling because I don't have words to describe what's going on in my head, and I do feel like giving up, a lot, because I feel like a total waste of space sometimes. I don't understand, and I don't know how to change this, its been like this for so long. I'm also terrified of changing, I panic a little when I think about it. I don't want to be like this but I don't know anyway else to be.
I try not to think about these things because when I do, I get depressed and angry and worried. I don't even know why sometimes. But when I get that way, I take out all my emotions on people I love, and I hate it. Like you have no idea. But I want people I love to understand how I feel, but I don't know how, and that makes me even more pissed....
I don't even know who this letter is to, or what I'm really talking about, I just needed to get it off my mind. :(
-Christa

Dear Uncle,

You're such a moron. First you and I fall out over FB in regards to my sister. I tell you how I want her to come stay with me, because her room is such a mess you can't even touch the floor with your feet. She has to literally stand in the doorway, and leap straight onto her bed, because of the mountain of rubbish her aunty has amassed. She's one of those people who can't throw anything away. Hell, I even saw a bag full of used sanitary pads in there! Gross! You say that I'm not capable of raising her, that our grand father gets the last say etc. Then you come to my house, sit around like you can't stand it. Then tell mum you had a great time... I'm not sure if you're lying about having a good time, or if you're that horribly boring.

Then you push mum like crazy to get my sister her passport. Mum has just found out she has cancer, and you're putting the pressure onto her - to go to Australia so she can help look after my sister. Don't offer a trip to a kid, then complain when you have to take care of them yourself. I can't even believe, that you have her in Australia finally, and all you're doing is fighting with me on FB, and saying 'sometimes life sux'. I know life sucks, especially after losing our twins on New Years Day. But I've already found the strength to stand up and move on. I don't need your crappy reply, that basically says I need to move on, when I already have. You asshole. You've planned all this crap for my sister to do in the next week, and I can tell you children operate differently to adults. You're even saying you're tired, imagine how she's feeling? She's a child! To have to walk everywhere takes it's toll. Especially on a young girl, who is on the verge of becoming a woman. Her hormones will be all over the place.

I really can't stand the fact that you say you have two nieces, but you only really seem to clash with me, and talk to me about what you're going to buy my sister. Like an iPad, a holiday to the Gold Coast, take her to Sea World, and the Opera House. Can't you see how unfair that is? We're both apparently your nieces, but I don't get anything except for your sarcastic mouth, and holier than thou attitude. I don't need another person, who acts like they're on their high horse in my life. I would just like an uncle, that listens. Who may not agree with everything I say, but just listens anyway. You've never been that to me, ever. I even remember when I was twelve, and I asked why you were having a vegetarian pizza - and all you could say was that my pizza was covered in dead cow. That's such a thoughtless thing to say to a twelve year old. Someday I hope to tell you, that out of all my childhood, that's the only memory I have of you.

So, after I offered numerous times to have her come to stay with my husband and I - so we could raise her for her own happiness, you cut me down. Then today on FB, when I straight up say I'm jealous she gets a trip and I don't, you say it's to show her a big wide world. Ummm hello? I've been trying to offer her that for years, and years. You can't even show her, the country, or the very city she lives in, but you can take her out of it - and expect her to make a start there. You're even talking about university for her. She will not get there, if she doesn't have basic life skills like tying her own damn shoe laces. She can't even make herself toast. She can't operate a telephone herself. How can you look so far down the line, and not focus on the smaller picture here? So I tell you on FB, I've been trying to offer her a fresh start for years and hit nothing but concrete walls... and you simply say "Auckland is not a bad start." So what does that mean? You're actually coming around to the idea that she should be up here? But you aren't man enough, to concede that I am right? I don't even care that I'm right, it's just the fact that it's the best thing for my sister to be with me - and you can't acknowledge that. Do you have any idea how selfish that is? Your own pride being popped, means more than giving a young girl a good stable home. A place where she will learn new things every single day.

You and her other useless uncle constantly say how you love her, and that's all she needs in life. Well I'm sorry, but you will not be there forever, just like the rest of us. As the older relatives, it is imperative that we give our younger generation the ability to thrive for themselves. The ability to be independent, and the ability to recover when they may fall down. Life isn't all airy fairy roses, and locking a girl away and hiding her from the world is so destructive to their basic rights as a human being. As a person. As a member of the family. Sometimes we have to stand back, and look at the situation, and get over our own pride. For instance, mum is claiming a benefit for my sister, but hasn't looked after her in years. None of the money meant for my sister has ever gone on her. If we take her on board, we'll be receiving no financial aid what so ever. But somebody who lives in another city will be. It's just the horrible nature, of the situation we're in. We're going to struggle, and there will be some dark days ahead, when we have an extra mouth to feed, and extra school fees to meet... etc. For a second we started to question if it was the right thing to do, but we had to swallow down that part of our pride, and get over it. Why can't you open your eyes and do the same?

and maybe, instead of twittering away, and FBing away, you should actually put your stupid iPhone down, and focus on spending some time with my damn sister. I mean you fought so hard to get her out of the country, why waste it on sitting on your fat arse messaging the niece you don't give a damn about. Asshole.

Dear Rob,
God i am so sick of your sulky bullshit. Why don't you count your fucking blessings?? Do you honestly think your going to be better living at your mothers place? That horrible disgusting germ infested house?? You were unhappy there remember, that is why you came back here! I know this isn't the best environment to be in, but it's god damn better then sitting in a rubbish tip with people just like yourself who can't be bothered getting jobs and working for a living.

You say your unhappy. Your like this because things aren't going YOUR way. Because i won't folk out to go and flat somewhere with you - when your still on the fucking benefit and not working. Sorry but i've already folked out enough for you, you've been living off me for an entire year, doing pretty much fucking nothing. You say that all you are doing, all your meetings and courses and what not are helping you. They're not, i haven't seen a change in you yet. The only thing that brought about change was when we were away from each other for that week. That is the only thing that forced change.
Now i'm sorry that i've been a bitch. But when i tell you that i'm tired, then leave me alone!! You don't work a full day - and you just don't seem to get that when i'm tired it's best not to talk to me about important things. My job may not be physically straining, but its mentally draining and frustrating. And you just don't seem to get that, to allow me my space after work!

You force a lot of your ways and wants onto me. You expect me to take these on board immediately and change in an instant. You give no room for growth. You say i'm not tender and soft and i'm not this and that. And i am not those things because you constantly have it in your head i'm not. And therefore you don't give me the grace i need to be those things for you. I am what i am in your mind and i am no more then that, i can't change because the instant i do you think it's fake and we're back to square one.

I think it may be better that we move on. Because this whole thing goes both ways, not just your way. I will be fine by myself. It's gonna take a few months to get my own car and stuff. But i think i will be better on my own. Because what you said to me this morning just struck a nerve, and in all honesty i think it better that you do leave. Because nothing will ever make you happy, nothing i do anyway. The problem lies with you, it's all in your head. It's about time you sorted out your own shit on your own anyway. It was wrong of you to bring someone into your life and put them through so much shit. I only pray that God helps me through this hard time, and brings me out the other end a much better person.

Dear Uncle,

That's it. You've struck a chord, and now I remember why all those months ago I wanted to tell you NOT to turn up on my door step. It's because you're a straight up asshole. To call me pessimistic for saying that mum may not have much time left, is the most fucked up thing I've ever heard. I'm talking about someone with god damn cancer, and NO support from her family! Other than her daughter, who is two damn hours away and going through a bloody miscarriage! As her brother, you should be there, with her daughter, letting them have at least a weekend together! Because it could be the last time mum is capable of being even remotely human-like to her daughter. She is a crap mum, but they both at least deserve a day or two together.

You lived with Aunty for so many years! Together! In the same house, as flat mates! She came back to NZ, extremely sick, and landed on mum's door step! Mum took care of her in that last week, and she passed away. I was not shocked, and neither was dad. She looked damn horrible, and extremely sick when we first saw her. My father spent very little time with Aunty, but still was able to say after looking at her once - that she needed to go to the hospital. It turns out her kidneys shut down. She was a nurse FFS! AND she lived in your stupid flat!!!!!!! You couldn't even tell your own flat mate/sister was incredibly sick, and she paid the ultimate price for it. Then all you can tell me, is that I'm basically being pessimistic about the whole thing. At least I care enough, to notice a farken difference, unlike your daydream ass. I call you daydream ass, because basically your head is up your own ass. I hate you! I officially HATE YOU! I have deleted you from my FB. It's sad I won't get to see my own sister on her first holiday out of the country, but you just wind me up the wrong way.

You don't even understand, that the things you say are completely ass backward. To say that you'll take mum on a holiday when she's better is just idiotic. SHE'S GOT CANCER YOU NUMB NUTS! You do realise that means she'll be going into invasive treatment! For months and months at a time! She's going to take months, maybe a year to even get better. Let alone fly to Australia, and be dragged everywhere by you. She won't be getting 'a temporary break from it all' as you put it. Because she'll be getting dragged everywhere, having to cook her own meals since you can't cook, and having to entertain herself. You haven't even seen what she's like at home, she's completely relaxed in her own space. Her own house is her sanctuary, and I couldn't imagine any place better for her.

How dare you call me out for being pessimistic. Then say you 'spoke to mum on the phone, and she was very high in spirits.' Give me a god damn break... I saw her in person twice in the last couple of days, and let me tell you what I saw. A woman who is stressed, not sleeping, run down, scared about the treatment, taking enough pain killers to kill a horse, and relying on marijuana to finally calm down about it all. That's not being high in spirits to me, that's someone who is incredibly scared. So how about you take your optimism about speaking to someone on the phone, and shove it up your ass. It doesn't mean a thing when you haven't seen that person with your own eyes. Don't you dare come running to me if this turns out for the worst. Because I will tear you apart, and I will not hold back. No matter how much, you're trying to take the high road by being optimistic.

I haven't gotten where I have by being optimistic at all, I've gotten here by ACTION! Something you know very little about, Mr Hermit sit in his house - and hide away from the world, 50 year old virgin. Eat an ass!

Dear somebody,

What did I do to deserve this life I have? I'm a good person, I can't always show it, I have my problems, but I try so hard.. and I get nothing!! No matter how I try to get ahead, I end up farther behind than when I started! Relationships don't work, it's either no one loves me, no one cares, no one can stand me... I wish I knew what it was. But it's just one broken heart after another, honestly, i don't think the glue is gonna stick very much longer... it's getting harder and harder to find all the pieces as well.

My parents just think I /want/ to live at home?? AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH... wow, that's the last thing I want. If I had a car I'd rather live in that than here. I hate it here.. I get treated like I'm 2 and constantly put down. What am I? A dog? Hell, the dogs get treated better than me, Kaydee and Dozer, you guys suck sometimes!! haha...

seriously though, when do I get a break? When do I get to be happy? I can't help it that my OCD and Bi-Polar Disorder's prevent me from being a "normal" human being. But this is who I am, I can't change it, though I desperately wish I could. Take me or leave me (usually the latter) this is me, stop acting like I'm supposed to be some perfect angel, if you say you love me... act like it.

Dear Hector,

So today we were talking, or well, not talking at all... it was awkward and stiff... You felt bad, I felt useless, and somehow...

I fucked up. I know.

You were probably seeking for the support I should have given you. I should have been a better girlfriend, I should have been there for you, like you're always there for me.

I'm sorry!

I don't know what to do. You have every right to be mad at me, and even though I have reasons to be mad too, I feel terrible.

Do you know how hard it is for me to see you hurt yourself? Don't answer that... I don't think you do.

I remember a few days ago, when I finally decided to open up to you and let you know that I wanted to hurt myself. I didn't want to tell you, because I know you worried, but I knew that eventually, letting you know was the best way. You know what happened: it didn't end well.

That's in the past, but I bring it forth because that day you told me some things that made me think...

"How can I protect you from yourself?"

I find myself in that very situation right now. I've had for a long time, probably since before you were my boyfriend. Once I actually told you that I was incredibly worried whenever you went out to drink with the guys... Not that I want to control your life, but because I worry specifically about your well-being. Then, you told me about the weed, the drugs, self medication... everything... I played stupid, or at least tried to deal with it, because honestly... What can I do? It's your body, your decisions, your point of views... I'm just not good at accepting things like that, specially if that person is YOU.

Again, not judging you for it, just letting you know that its hard. I love you, and its scary to see things from this side of the deal.

Imagine if we switched places? If it was me doing those things, and you were against it? If I was the one causing for you to lose sleep and concentration?

I don't know what I'd do without you, and I'm horrified of ever finding out. You are my everything... I don't want to lose you, ever...

I know things aren't easy for you; you want to do great things, and it seems impossible. Its frustrating, you feel trapped, and want to give up. Its understandable... I want to be there for you, but what can I tell you? I can't do anything either, I'm just tied up... You want for me to say that I love you and that I understand... and I do! But do you understand me? I mean... You hurting yourself, or not caring for yourself, is enough for me to see that there's nothing for me to help with. If you don't love yourself, even a little bit, how can you love someone else? How can you see that the other person loves you?

Baby, I ADORE you. You are the reason I keep on going, and I can't really be more honest than that. I'm always here for you.

I'm not asking for you to change who you are, even if I disagree with a lot of your habits. You made your decisions on your own, and while I don't judge you because of them, I resent a lot... I guess you could call it disappointment.

I KNOW you can do so much better, so many great things... I have so much faith in you... Bubu, you are AMAZING. Even as you are, with what you have, you are strong, committed, loving, caring and so many beautiful positive things! Why can't you see them? They're in the plain view!

So you have a few faults. No one is perfect, and no one expects you to be. I know I'm far off perfect too, and yet you find a way to love me.

Please, just stop and think about yourself for a while. See how much you are worth... Love yourself as much as I love you.

You are a great man, and I'm not asking for anything from you. Not for you to save me, to be responsible for my stupidity or to quit your habits. I love you for who you are, and though I am honestly, swear to God depressed because of this, I can't stop loving you, and I never will.

You are my everything. I mean it.

dear you

I just saw your picture by accident. It made my blood run cold. Why am I still so afraid of you? Was the pain really that bad for me? Now I feel like hell, even when I'm watching a disney movie. :( That's how scared of you I am.

My skin is crawling, my eyes are wide, my chest hurts, I'm scared to death. :( It hurts.

Dear God,

Please give mum the strength to get my sister back. If that's all she does with the time she has left on this Earth, please let it be this. She has never been a good mother to either of us, and I feel in your plan of all things... it is unfortunately just. I love her to death, and I hate her to death... Does that even make sense? She's never, ever been a mother, in a single day of her life... Please let this last deed be a motherly deed. She isn't even going to be raising my sister, it's just a matter of getting her to my husband and I. We'll be picking up all the financial slack, and spending all our time assisting her in getting up to speed with the world. If mum is going to die, please let her achieve this last goal.

God

Please please please, you cannot do this to us! We can't afford it. You have to help us out here. :( Please God.

Glass

I hate you. I love you cuz I have to, but I hate you still. You don't even fucking like me, bitch. You even fucking said to my face. You said you liked my sister better. Oh mother fucking well. You cussed me out yesterday and almost broke my foot, and gave me a heart attack. Remember when you cut off all my hair? 2 wrongs dont make a fucking right, and I don't think 5 yr olds deserve that cruelness. Bitch, I know you'll burn in hell cuz you don't believe in God, so at least I can relieve myself of your evil eyeballs then. Till then, love and hate always, your least favorite daughter.

Dear God,

Help me with my life, school, and everything please. I know i'm not exactly worthy of your help.. but I need it (: Please help my mother be able to use her arm again.

Dear mum's family,

I hate you all, and you all deserve the worst things in life, because it's what you all project. BUUUURN!!! I don't understand why so many amazing people around me have passed on, yet you all cling to life like a pack of cockroaches. It's no wonder mum is the only one who managed to have children... and even then I would say she doesn't deserve us. Your blood line deserves to die out, and sometimes I wonder if it's better that my husband and I don't have children - so there will be no genetic link left to your terrible family. But then I remember that I have the choice of raising them in a loving, stable, fair environment and I feel happy about it. They'll never learn your ways, and they'll never be exposed to the cruelness, and sheltered life you give.

Dear God,
Your fucking awesome! And no nothing extraordinary has happened to me, i haven't won millions of dollars and my dreams haven't come true. But i just thought you should know that, instead of hearing my constant whining and complaining every single day of my life. I love you, thanks for the great things in my life that im never grateful for lol. BUT am trying to realize is more then a lot of people have.

MUWAH!

Roachi.

Madre,
Sometimes I just don't understand you. I realize we think nearly exactly the same but sometimes you still confuse me. Tonight when I called you, you told me that a lawyer from Kansas City called and wanted to take your case. Wonderful! I thought, but then you told me that it would cost $350. And I thought, well that's impossible, but then you told me that she told you that you qualified for a financial aid program so there would be no cost to you. Still though, you said you didn't know if you should do it and you asked me what I thought! I was honestly exasperated! I meant what I said when I asked you if that was even a question! Its so completely obvious mother! Of COURSE you should take them up on their offer! I know why you feel like giving up at this point...its been almost six years. Its been an insanely difficult time for our family....especially since Grandpa died, and all through this time, I have seen you cry with frustration and anger and such intense sadness more times than I care to remember. :( But I can't be the only one who sees that now you need this more than ever. You and Nicky are living with Nana (and I know its driving you insane) and dad is living at the nursing home since Chris is such a fucking douche....and no, I won't ever forgive him. I was willing to put aside all the shit he's done and said about me personally, but the stunts he's been pulling lately have been too much for me to take. Anyway though, what I'm saying here is you ARE disabled, there is no question, you haven't been able to work since 2005 and you've had all the surgeries and quite honestly, I believe you won't be able to deal with much more of this shit before you land yourself in a mental hospital and that thought frightens me. :( Its not funny when you joke about it either, I've been there and its not a laughing matter. We were already living in almost total poverty, and its only gotten worse since Grandpa died because Nana doesn't have the money to help anymore....nor do I. ><
When they denied your claim last time, I fucking wept. Its so incredibly unjust. And now you have a chance for a real lawyer, not some half-assed paralegal who didn't have his shit together, to take your case before a real judge! Not a tired and angry "judge" who was completely biased against the law firm who represented you because he had gotten all butt hurt about something that had happened in the past. You will get a fair hearing, and they told you that they would take your case before the Supreme Court if it came down to it. WHY was there even a question as to whether or not you should take them up on this offer??? You'd have to wait up to another year for a decision, you said, but God mom, one year is nothing compared to living like we have been since you had to stop working- for the rest of your life! Please mom, for the sake of your own sanity and well-being (and mine too, since I worry about you like crazy) don't let this opportunity pass you by. You need this, Mia, you know you do, and God does too, or they never would have offered this to you.
Love forever,
Christa.

L,
Find a worthy guy for heaven's sake! And go see a doctor about your ears, that shit ain't normal! O.o

Ruggy,
I am mad at you and extremely frustrated at myself for being that way! I know Liz bought you a plane ticket, something which I can't do right now, and I know she's just as much your sister as I am, and that her little girl is very sick and she needs and wants you there for support. I know all of that, yet I'm still pissed that you're flying to Texas to visit her, meanwhile I've sent you at least five texts since Christmas and you've not replied to one! The only reason I know you're going to Texas is that I saw you telling your friend so on your stupid Facebook wall! :roll: You can fly to Texas to see Liz and the baby, but you can't take five minutes to fucking text me back, not even once?? I'm sorry I'm selfish like this, but damn..... :no:

Dear universe,

I have a 12 year old sister, who our mother abandoned. My sister was left at her maternal grand parent's house. They're very overbearing, and are of the opinion that the outside world is an evil place... etc. I've been struggling to gain custody of my sister for years, my husband and I want to raise her. My mother always says she provides our grand parents with happiness. Then I'll start storming on about how her happiness is sacrificed for their happiness, and that isn't fair. She is even told by our grand parents, that they will die without her. That's a lot of responsibility for a 12 year old to take on. Long story short, she leads a very sheltered life and is incapable of tying her shoes at 12 years old (Just the tip of the iceberg). She is a very intelligent girl... when we took her to an adventure park she described the roller coaster as "elaborate" lol. She's always been the thorn in my side, and she comes into my mind often during the day.

The day I revealed I was PG to my mother, she said she had breast cancer. It was a bit of a tough blow at first, but I've accepted that's what happens (on top of the miscarriage) and in a sadistic way you could say it is karma... Suddenly, my mother is jumping into action about getting my sister back, and giving her to my husband and I to raise. She'll still be claiming a benefit for her, and everything. But I am completely fine with that at this stage. So, even though we've just miscarried, we're one step closer towards having a 12 year old in the house. A huge part of me still feels that we will not get her, as my mother usually goes through periods where she moves towards action, but she has yet to actually follow through with one of her change of heart phases. I really hope this is the moment... The miscarriage has been tough, and heart breaking. But I think if this time fails with my sister, it'll tear me apart completely. Help universe! Heeeelp!

Dear Friend,

So I’ve sent you one of these letters-you-can’t send because I kind of fail at keeping my feelings locked away forever. I mean, I’ve tried that before (the not saying anything approach) and nothing was accomplished except a deeper sense of hurt because nothing changed. Besides, the nice doctor I was talking to for awhile there said that actually sending the letter is a form of being assertive as long as it’s not done in a round-about fashion. I’m trying to work on being more assertive, in small steps, so it’s important I start somewhere. Anyway, back to the subject at hand.

You told me that I wasn’t the problem. You told me that you loved me as a very dear friend. You told me that your silence should never be taken as a reflection of how you feel about me. I believed you. Heck, I still want to believe you. It’s been a week or so since I first let you know how I felt. You thanked me for letting you know what I was feeling, and you told me that I should always be honest with you and you’d return the favor. I felt relieved at the time; I’d been crying my eyes out over you for awhile at that point because I felt like everything between us had changed. After our talk, I felt a little hesitant to contact you. I’d been bold in my messages to you and even though your replies had been positive, I was still worried that I’d botch up our newly patched up friendship.

Things were fine for a few days but now I feel we’re back where we started. How is it that you can take the time to post a fb status only minutes before I try and contact you over messenger but then offer no response to my hello? I mean, do you really slip away from the computer that quickly? You might as well put up away messages or something if you don’t feel like chit chatting. And I do understand that a conversation isn’t always necessary. Heck, I told you I didn’t always need to talk to you. And yet…at the same time, your lack of response makes me incredibly sad. Honestly, I think it’s because I was starting to like you a little more than I should, but I’m kicking those thoughts away now that you’re taken. It was a recent change in relationship status though it seems, so I need a little while to process that information. Not that I’ll try anything. I’m not the kinda girl to go after someone who is taken.

So…what is it, my friend? Why are we doing this again? You told me it’s not me but how can I believe you? I mean, you are a trustworthy person and all so I should take your word and be done with it. I dunno. I’m overly sensitive when it comes to this kind of situation. It’s happened far too often recently and I never know when a nice conversation will be the last. I’ll give it a little longer before I contact you directly about this again. I’m so scared you’ll think I’m whiny or clingy for carrying on in this manner. I don’t mean to be either of those things though…I believe honesty is this best policy and you told me you did as well.

Please please please just let this be a bumpy patch in the road. Please let it blow over soon and let us go back to easy conversations. I don’t like always worrying over whether or not I’m a bother to you. I just don’t wanna cry over you anymore. I’ve always been more of an optimistic person, and I truly want to believe that we’re gonna be okay and make it as friends.

-M

Dear _____________________________________

Why am I interested in you? Why can't you leave my head? It's been over 2 years soon but my heart still beats stronger than ever. It is like some other-wordly attraction I have for you, it is as if my system has found its perfect match. Filling each other out in harmony, perfect harmony - I know only us two could have this euphoria. Still, it's up and down, but in my heart it was always up, only it got hidden at times. Still this never hid away from me since I always knew it. I can't stop this madness of mine, what will happen if your heart has no interest in mine, will I die? Perhaps. In a sense I am already dead and you're the final cure amongst the dead. Do not worry if we go wrong, I have more important things to worry about than romantic evenings. Still my heart is vain and you are the reason why. You turn my day around in a heartbeat. You can make any bad day good, and any good day bad. Have I been cursed?

Yours truly.

Lee,
Thanks so much for everything. I do not think you realize how amazing you are and how much you mean to me as a friend. I found in you what everyone else lacked.

... ,

I can't completely point the finger at you because it was just as much my fault as it was yours. You should have known better though. You pressured me and you manipulated me(on purpose or not), but I let you and looking back at it now...my view isn't as clouded. I wanted to make you happy even though the whole idea made me uncomfortable. You knew that I didn't want to do it/wear it, I've told you so many times that I didn't want to do it. You should have known better. But I have a feeling that you were only thinking of yourself. So I tried the mask on and it was horrible. I couldn't breathe, my vision blurred, and my body felt so heavy. I didn't want to move and I felt trapped. But I could have made it stop, but I didn't. I should have made it stop. So that was my fault. I told you that I would never wear that again but the damage had been done and I never said anything. I suppressed it. I don't even known how to talk to you about it. I don't want to bring it back up when it was resolved when I said I wouldn't do it again. It'd only cause problems and I was at fault for not stopping it. But you shouldn't have pressured me to begin with. So, yeah.

Dear future job.

Be a good one, so that all this waiting was worth it. Be so obvious when I find you, that I feel oblivious for not having found you sooner. Be something I'm really freaking proud of. Be bloody lovely.

I'm not sure what I'm meant to do yet, but I know I can't wait much longer, and I don't really want to anymore. Having to turn something down because of the crappy hours makes me feel like a lay about, and I don't wanna be one. I really need for mother to find a job, and for everything to be okay again, so I can find one too, and then go back to school. I loved school. I will go back someday. I want to learn more. I need to know more.

Dear older sister,
Why can't you ever just shut the hell up? You're almost 25 for christ's sake!
It's not always about you! You're mad at the world for your problems, you need to get the hell
over yourself. Today, your stupid remarks almost put me at the edge of my sanity but instead
of making a big deal about it on our mother's birthday I'm typing this up. I never have money
but it's not because I'm lazy and don't have a job, it's because I'm a student. You know? Going to school, it's
something you should do. And yes, I FELT like buying mom a nice bouquet of flowers because
I could AFFORD it. "Thanks for upstaging my gift." What the hell. It's not about you. I'm only
18 and you have the mentality of a damn five year old. Grow the hell up.

- Your youngest sister. -___-

Dear Team Leader,
Go f yourself. Who the hell are you to growl me... In front of everyone about not making up time when i'm late? I was f'n tired on Friday to stay late. I said i would either put it through as unpaid leave or work it up in monday, and you had to make a big deal about having to talk to you if i wanted to put through unpaid leave. Why the fuck do i have to talk to you?? I never had to before you came along, we're talking about an hour here!! Also why don't you take a look in your own back yard.. Miss - Has come late every single day since you've started. You wanna get started on who has to make up time. How about you make up for every single minute you've been late!! I was gonna ask how come i'm the only one who has to make up time. When both the other girls were late well you were away, but i didn't wannabe a taddle tale. God, i am just a little bit sick of you to be honest. Your boots are a bit too big for your feet. I hope that Karma serves you up something delicious!

Disgruntled Employee.

____,

Hey, remember me? Sometimes it feels like you forget about me and I'm left out of the loop. I don't like it. It makes me feel like I am not important and that you do not care all that much...even though I know that you do. Or I am pretty sure you do. I don't know sometimes. Maybe it is all in my head. And I hate how you consolidate trips to see me. I mean, I understand where you are coming from so that is why I don't complain about it but it makes me feel not very important and that I am just an after thought. That you aren't going out of your way to see me the way I do for you. Just saying. But, whatever. I'll get over myself.

Dear God,

why does being healthy have to be so hard.

Dear A,
I love you more than anything and even though we can't be together physically, I hope that one day we can be together again. We've been through hell and back and nothing has broken the bond between us...nothing ever will. No matter what she says or does, I will never abandoned you. Ever. She can't begin to understand what we've been through in the past.

I thought I was the one that had no right to say what goes on in your personal life but I really thought about it and the fact of the matter is that she has no right...who does she think she is to tell you who you can and can not have anything to do with? If she's so threatened by me why doesn't she come say it to my face. I'd be more than glad to put her in her place. I'm just hoping that you'll never listen to her trash talk and follow her "orders". I wouldn't know what to do if I ever lost you.

It's hard for me when at times I just want to go back to how things were before she came along but things can't be that simple any more. I can't stand the fact that she claims to love you but then turns around and hurts you so badly. You're starting to fall apart and I can't stand to watch, not being able to do anything to stop it. I just hope that you see what she's doing to you. I love you and can't stand to see you hurt so badly. Please, be safe.

Love,
R