This is one of my very first attempts at a short story. Tell me what you think. Positive critique is always welcome.

Ancient Fury: Awakening Darkness

Scene 1: Prologue

Eons ago, there was an ancient force so powerful that even the might of gods wasn’t
enough to destroy it. It ravaged the land until it was confronted by the three sacred beasts.
By offering their bodies, they were able to seal the evil away. Since then every century, the
spirits of the three sacred beasts would be reborn in three humans, to renew the seal.
Unfortunately, a horde of corrupted humans have discovered the seal and how to break it.
They have kept their order alive for millennia, waiting for the opportunity to open the seal
and release their dark master. Today they have begun the ritual to open the cursed seal.
For this they must have the spirits of the sacred beasts. They already have stolen two of the
spirits from the souls of the innocent people chosen to bare them. They have both the
griffin, the spirit of true pride, and the pegasus, the spirit of grace. The only spirit
remaining is the phoenix, the spirit of will and strength, but there is another. An unknown
force that will, depending on its allegiance, will bring forth either salvation or destruction,
the dark dragon, Thanatos.

Scene 2: The Phoenix is Close at Hand

The dark forces have located the phoenix. Even now they are chasing it across the
wilderness. The phoenix is within the soul of a small child of about twelve years of age. As
he is running he crashes int an older teenager. “And just who are you, kid?” said the teen.
“I’m Jimmy. You’ve got to help me. I’m being chased by monsters ” the kid screamed.
“Don’t worry you’re safe n ...” before he could finish his sentence his whole body went
numb. “What is ... this ... feeling. My spirit is burning.” he thought to himself. “Kid, let’s
run. Something is coming.”
“Ok.” they started to run as large creature emerged from the forest.
“Give me that boy ” the creature shouted.
“How can this be? I know what that thing is. It’s a manticore. Its poison is lethal.” the teen
thought to himself. He jumped behind a boulder with the boy. “Hide here while I take care
of this beast.”
“You can’t fight it. You’ll be killed.”
“I don’t know why, but I know this thing’s weak spot. Don’t worry I’ll be ok.” he jumped
out to face the manticore.
“Give me that boy or suffer the penalty.”
“I’m sorry but, I can’t let you have him.”
“Then you will die, along with the rest of the human race ”
“What do you mean ‘the whole human race’? Just why do you want that boy anyway?”
“Since you will die soon, I will tell you. We plan to use the three sacred spirits, sealed
within the souls of three chosen people, to unbind our master, the ancient darkness ...”
“Lord Luce.”
“How did you know my masters name? Tell me you little whelp ”
The teen’s facial expression has changed dramatically. His face has become evil, with
crimson eyes and a grin that can terrify anyone at first glance. “He used to be my master
before I rebelled. Now it’s time for you to die.”
“Someone help me ” the young boy cried.
“What? ” he shouted. The boy was being carried off by a thunderbird. “I’ll kill you then
save the boy. I was living a peaceful life before you came, ... and reawakened my former
self I’ll make you pay with you’re life ”
“Foolish boy No human can kill me. Now you die ” He thrust his tail forward trying to
inject the boy with lethal venom.
“Good thing I’m not human anymore.” he jumped high into the air to dodge the tail. “You
will have to do better than that if you want to even touch me.”
“You fool You dare think you can make a mockery of me. I will kill you and devour you.”
He launched his paw at the boy attempting to remove his head from his shoulders. “Where
is that little cretin?” The teen has vanished. “If he thinks he can toy with me and flee, I
shall make him think otherwise.”
“Like I said, you can’t beat me.”
“How dare you ” The boy was standing on the manticore’s back. The manticore angrily
thrust his tail at the assailant. The boy dodged the tail and then forced it deeper into the
back of its owner.
“You’re finished ” He extended the front two fingers on his right hand and thrust it into
the back of the beast’s neck. “Dragon Drive Attack ” The beast fell to the ground. “Now
that you are out of the way, I have a boy to rescue and a world to save.”
“How can this be? Who are you? ”
“‘Since you will die soon, I will tell you.’ Aren’t those your exact words? How ironic.”
“You will not stop us We have all three sacred spirts our master will soon be released. You
are all doomed.”
“I will beat him. I have a little vendetta with that bastard anyway. I’ll make him pay for
disturbing my peace, and also for ...”
“You. You can’t be ... ? ”
“I am Thanatos.”

To Be Continued ...

I hope to get even better as I write more stories.

Here is the second part of my first story. Please tell me your opinion. I'm always looking for ways to improve my art.

Ancient Fury: Breaking The Seal

Scene 1: The Race

“Blast it They’ve got the Phoenix. And I’ve lost sight of the Thunderbird. He was heading south, but where to?” Just then, Thanatos stared at the dying Manticore. “Hey, you. Tell me, where is that living thunderstorm going?”
“He is going to our base to complete the ritual and release our master. The last day of humanity is at hand. He will be revived and you all shall become nothing more than his pet. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA ” it was at that point that Thanatos reached forward and ripped the Manticore’s jaw off of its face with a spray of blood.
“I’ve had enough of you and your mouth. Die Foul Beast ” He then ripped the beast’s head off of its shoulder and walked away as the body lay in its own blood and quickly turns to dust. “I have to save that kid and the others that they have taken. But if I go now they will releases his spirit before I get there. I can still stop them though if I destroy the body they wont have any where to put his spirit and I will be able to destroy him easily.” he then drew a large circle I the ground and knelt within it. “Ancient spirits of darkness and light, I seek your aid guide me through my plight.” The circle began to glow and a strange glyph appeared below him. It was in the shape of a star made of swords with two dragons circling the exterior. He then silently sought the location of the body of Luce. The answer was revealed to him very quickly. “I’m not surprised. It’s always in one of those three places. I’d better hurry.” As he stood the glyph faded and his wings emerged. They were pitch black with crimson fire shaped markings on the back. “It’ll take me about half a day for me to fly to Egypt. I hope I get there in time.”

Scene 2: A Battle Worthy Of The Gods

Thanatos soon arrived in Egypt. He hovered above the tallest pyramid. “They think these pyramids are just burial grounds for ancient pharaohs. But this one is the original. They built the others to help disguise it. This pyramid is a seal to the body of Luce.” Suddenly the earth begins to shake, and the pyramid begins to crumble. “Blast it They must have released Luce’s spirit. I have to destroy the body now ” Thanatos then draws a circle in the air. The same glyph as before appears. The swords within the glyph merge into one as the dragons form the hilt of the sword. The bade then solidifies and is grabbed by Thanatos. The blade itself looks like a giant fang with flames etched in the sides. The hilt has pair of dragon wings similar Thanatos. He grasped the blade and dove toward the rubble that now revealed Luce’s body. But before he could make the finishing blow, three of the other pyramids began to glow and crumble. In their wake were three great beasts. They were gigantic. The first looked like a human whose skin was made of diamond. The second was a serpent with large black wings. The third was a red metallic dragon.
“What do you think of my creations, Thanatos?” Thanatos turned and saw a hooded figure suspended in the air. His aura was a mix of blood and darkness. “They are ingenious creations don’t you think. After I destroyed the gods, I used their immortal bodies to make these creatures. They are still as lively as the day I crafted them.”
“You can’t be? ”
“My beasts, eradicate this traitor.” The creatures then attacked. Thanatos went higher into the air as the serpent and the dragon chased him. The power of their attacks were mind boggling. Every attack caused the earth to shake. Thanatos was barley able to doge, let alone attack. Eventually one of their attacks connected and Thanatos was sent flying into the ground. As he struggled to stand the creatures circled around him and launched an attack toward the center of their ring. As their attacks met they merged and rained own upon Thanatos. He laid there. His body was near it’s limit. Most of the bones in his body were broken. He was bleeding everywhere.
“Damn I’ll die at this rate.” He then noticed he was very close to Luce’s body and struggled to get to his feet. “This is really gonna hurt but, if this works I’ll be healed and the body will be destroyed.” He then flew on top of the body and drove his sword into it. “The Seal Of Reflection ” the creatures circled and attacked again. Thanatos screamed in pain from the blast. His seal reflected the blast back to the creatures. Their bodies weren’t destroyed, but the souls within the were. And the sheer force of the attack eradicated Luce’s body. Thanatos himself was on the verge of death until he grabbed his sword. The sword had managed to retain a colossal amount of energy from the attack. And that energy was used to fully revive him. “I see that your body has been destroyed, Luce. So you can stop any dreams of resurrection that you may have.” he said to the hooded figure.
“Bravo on defeating my creatures. You just saved me five minutes of work removing their souls.” He then raised his hand and the bodies of the creatures disappeared. “I need their soulless corpses to create my new body. You didn’t expect me to return to that relic. Did you?”
“I’ll kill you, Luce ” Luce then removed his cloak, and Thanatos stopped inches away from beheading Luce. “No You didn’t? ” Thanatos saw there in front of him the face of his closest friend.
“Now this is a dilemma. What shall you do? Will you slay your friend and save the world, or will you be selfish and doom the world all for your ridiculous ties of friendship? This body means nothing to me I can always get a replacement. But for you this is a completely different matter. That is why you are a faliure. Your human emotion will always prevent you from doing what needs to be done.” Thanatos then lowered his sword. “I told you this would happen. I bid you farewell.” With that he vanished.
“How can I stop him. I can kill him now but my friends will suffer. How dare he bring them into this I swear I will make him suffer for this.” As he landed on the ground contemplating was his next move, his concentration was broken by three swords piercing his chest. As he turned around to see who his attacker was he was then pelted with a lethal poison mist. “Who do you think you are? ” he screamed as his vision began to blur.
“I am the one who is going to save the earth from you and your master ”
“That voice A female I know her from the past.” He then collapsed, completely at the mercy of his attacker.

To Be Continued ...

It's a little choppy. You should also make speech it's own paragraph to ease reading. I also think you need to ease the transition to the boy running at the beginning of the story, perhaps by showing his thoughts. It's a very good beginning though. (I think you may have gone a bit fast though.)

Actually to tell the truth When I was writing this it was for a class and had a word count limit. So I had to shrink it to fit the word count, so that is why it's rushed a bit. Maybe if I can find some free time and the proper inspiration, I will expand and elaborate the story a bit.

Howdy. I read your comment which explained your word count limit, and that does explain why this reads more as an outline than an actual story. But there are still some things that I would suggest. First of all, formatting is your friend. Each time you change ideas, you should start a new paragraph. Each time you change speakers in your story, you should start a new paragraph.

When people speak, you should have what's called a "speech tag," which tells the reader who is speaking, since we can't hear them, or look to see whose mouth is moving. The most common version of this is "he said," or "she said." These unadorned speech tags get dull fairly quickly, and so a variation on this is to provide something that the character is doing while they're speaking, such as:

"It's got a nice balance." He swung the sword experimentally.

I'd really like to see this rewritten and expanded, with showing instead of telling. There's the core of a good story here, and I'd be happy to read your future efforts with it!

Thank you for the tips. I still have another part to this story coming. (A bit of advance warning the third part gets a little graphic.) Once I get that third part out I can start working on the expanded version. (In-between working on my manga)

here is a link to part three of my story. WARNING: this story does contain some mild language and depictions of violence so if you get offended easily by that kind of stuff don't click, if not go right ahead. (I hope that covers everything)