is a secret that will break your heart.


Just a place to practice my writing skills :) Nothing big.
It's not really even following the themes list I put out,
but more of a collection of my random thoughts on (mostly) love.


are you willing to listen?

50 themes

001. Mellow
002. Eternal
003. Subtle
004. Cheat
005. Transparent
006. Believeable
007. Repeat
008. Addicted
009. Write
010. Soulful
011. Broken
012. Stop Time
013. Alcohol
014. Pauses
015. Affront
016. Run
017. Experience
018. Fatality
019. Helping Hand
020. Breeze
021. Get Up
022. Villain
023. Worst Day
024. Bewitching
025. Jubilant
026. Languid
027. Obsessive
028. Recoil
029. Vehement
030. Collide
031. On My Mind
032. Mirror
033. Kneel
034. Locked
035. Punch
036. Tight
037. Urban
038. Health
039. Older
040. Vital
041. Dawn
042. Lust
043. Memorial
044. Pretend
045. Zeal
046. Disaster
047. Blush
048. Nimble
049. Remain
050. Snore

019. Helping Hand

Pain wracked his body, forcing cold shivers down his spine and shock waves of pain through his chest. Only small trickles of light weaved its way through the crevices of the small, damp wooden shed and it was fine that way. It was fine that the tiny cell he locked himself in offered no comfort.

He didn't deserve any.

Soft drops of silky scarlet liquid dripped from his arms and made a quiet "plip!" sound onto the dirt mound. Grinding his teeth further and gripping his wounds tighter, the boy could not bear to think what would happen if she found out.

Would she be angry? Or would she be worried about him? Either way, he did not want to cause her anymore suffering. And this time his tragedy was his own mistake and he could not blame anyone else but himself.

His frame was slender, yet muscular and powerful. His face was delicate, but at the same time, it was harsh and cold. A certain aura of strength and seclusion surrounded and exploded around him wherever he went. So he wonders, why would she care so much about me? But locking yourself in a wooden chest in the middle of the forest isn't a good idea either. Yet, what would happen if you could completely decimate the entire forest and its population, if set free?

Brimming with pain, he pounded his fist against the dirt and in a fury of anger, he couldn't control it anymore.

CRACK!

An ear splitting sound hit him before he could even blink and a sudden stream of white light burst into the open and blinded him.

"What the hell do you think you're doing out here!?"

He squinted for a moment and looked up into the small delicate face of a girl. Her long wavy, ebony-tinted hair contoured her face and tendrils of it were misplaced around her forehead. He frowned and looked away angrily, trying to hold everything in. She huffed and placed her small hands on her hips indignantly, then snapped," I know what you're trying to do. And I'll tell you now, you're being an idiot! I know you might hurt someone when you're forced into your true form, but you definitely won't hurt me, so you don't have to hide."

She reached out to him with her hand and continued," You couldn't hurt me even if you tried."

He was silent and did not look her in the eyes. A small whisper escaped him," How would you know? You don't know what I've done to other people."

She glowered at him for a moment and replied," I'd beat you with a frying pan before you could lay a finger on me."

"What?"

Softly, she smiled to him and with absolute sincerity in her voice," We're in this together right? Just take my hand. I promise."

The boy didn't know what to think. His mind and thoughts were muddled, but if he was sure of one thing, that no matter where she took him, he would be okay.

"Alright." He took her hand and she helped him out of the little box that shielded him from the world.


You aren't who I thought you were.

007. Repeat

She waited patiently on the outskirts of the neighborhood tapping her foot thoughtlessly against the hard concrete. A small monarch butterfly squirmed past her nose and she softly shook her head and sneezed.

A shadow loomed around the corner and she turned around quickly," You're here!"

The boy turned the corner and flashed her his million dollar smile," Yep. I'm never late am I?"

She returned his smile with girlish fervor," Nope! Let's go okay? Papa might get worried about us."

That appalling frightful words clung hastily on my mind. Forgetting it was futile, seemingly effortless to shrug it off.

How many times have I replayed it in my head now? I always thought we'd meet up someday, that you'd come find me of your own free will and we could go back to the way things used to be. But we can't do that now can we?


You were the only friend I ever had.

023. Worst Day

October 16, 1932

"Andrew, are you ready for school?"

A small silence ensued and suddenly a reply," Charlotte, let's skip school today."

The little girl was shocked by her older brother's sudden change of heart from the day before. She pounded her fist against his door angrily," Andrew! You were so excited yesterday, what happened?"

Her brother was quiet again before saying," I want to to help Papa back on the farm. We're as poor as it is."

"But we're finally gettin' to go to school! If you're worried about money, learn to read and people will throw money at you to read books! Or thats what little Elizabeth told me."

"Elizabeth is full of it."

"She is not."

"I'm not going."

"Andrew! You better get out here now 'coz Papa paid a lot of the corn money to let us go! It's law now to go to school if you're under sixteen ya know?"

"Yeah I know."

The dirty wooden door slid open slowly and Andrew's unwilling face peeked out from behind it.

She quickly grabbed her brother's arm and dragged him out onto the streets," You know Andrew, you're older than me, but sometimes I feel like I'm older."

"Ya don't say."

The twins, both 10 years old, were about the same height and had nearly identical features. A dirty blonde mop of hair was slapped on both of their heads and the two had similar dimples that could only be seen when they smiled.

"Charlotte... you reckon we'll make friends won't we?"

They were walking down the dirt road, seemingly miles from any civilization.

Charlotte looked at her brother with wide icy blue eyes and retorted," Nope. Well I know I will, but I dunno about you."

He glared at her and huffed," I see how it is."

"Do ya now?"

"Well, you know them rich upper class folks aren't gonna want to be educated around the likes of us." He looked into the sky thoughtfully. Or as thoughtfully as a 10 year old could.

"They won't be able to tell the difference." She said, completely convinced.

"You sure about that?"

"Yep."

"What are you wearing today, Charlotte?"

The little blonde girl looked down at her attire and grimaced with newfound distaste for her own clothing," This is the stuff I wore yesterday."

"And the day before that."

"You know we ain't got enough money for a million sets of clothes."

"I also know that them rich upperclass folks do."

She was silent, defeated by her brother's words. Andrew looked at his sister and sighed," But I'm sure they'll like you 'coz of your personality and not what you're wearin' I suppose."

She was unconvinced," Yeah."

"Is Elizabeth goin' to school too?"

"She says she's gonna go next time, to the third grade."

"I see."

- - -

Finally arriving at the school, the twins were astounded by the sheer size of the building. Although it was somewhat old and worn down, it was definitely bigger than any of the farms they had seen out on the country-side. There were gray gates surrounded the school, giving it an air of prestige and the walls were painted with a dull dark red that must have faded away with each passing rainfall, or dust storm. The doors were about the length of four Andrews put together and several children played outside in the dirt.

The other children didn't look particularly rich or upperclass, although they were definitely middle-class with their clean cut uniforms, and sparkling white faces.

"Andrew, I can't go in, look how dirty I am!" Charlotte looked down at herself, feeling dejected.

"Hey you were the one who pulled me here." Andrew paused, took his sister's hand and pulled her into the school building.

Inside the walls were a deathly pale tan color, everything was pale tan, even the doors and lockers and whatever they had sticking to the wall. The hallway was empty and nothing could be heard.

"Papa said our class is room 3A." Charlotte announced.

"What's a '3A'?" Andrew was stumped, he'd never heard of such a ridiculous thing to name a room.

"That's what the room is called, stupid. Look, they have those label things on top of the doors so we can find our way there. Convenient isn't it? This upper class stuff I mean."

Andrew snorted," Can you read?"

"...No."

A new voice appeared and startled the two," Are you lost? I think the farms are down South."

Andrew replied," No, we're here to go to school."

A male teacher with a five o' clock shadow peered over them and he examined them carefully and suspiciously," Oh are you now?"

"Yeah mister. Can ya tell us how to go to room 3A?"

"It's the door right next to you, but I've never seen you two around before. You new?"

"Yep, just came in today."

"Can I see your identification papers?"

Andrew stopped and repeated," Identifa-- wha?"

"Identification papers. So that I know you're actually enrolled in this school."

Andrew looked to Charlotte and she shrugged her shoulders helplessly.

"We ain't got none sir."

The teacher scratched his head," Well then I'm going to have to ask you to leave this school. We can't have kids sneaking in for free you know."

Charlotte cried indignantly," But we did pay! Papa paid all of his corn money to get us here!"

He glared at them," Look we can't have a bunch of dirt poor kids running around this school, it'll give us a bad reputation, you got it? If you don't have your idetification papers, get out."

- - -

Charlotte sat under the fence sobbing her little heart out.

Andrew sat beside her and held her hand," Look, it's alright. We can go home and ask Papa for the paper."

She refused to talk to him and continued weeping.

A little girl came up to them and stared curiously," What's the matter with her?"

Andrew turned around and replied lazily," We got kicked outta school."

The little girl had a valley of freckles spread out across her face," Why?"

"This is out first day and we don't got no idefit.... papers."

Her eyebrows knitted together and she replied," But yesterday was my first day and I didn't have to show no papers."

Andrew's sky blue eyes darkened," Really?"

"Yeah, they just looked at me real long and said it was alright to go in."

"I see."

The sky overhead was beginning to fade away into a light pink and orange emulsion of warm hues. The sun sank lower and lower as the day slowly came to an end.

031. On My Mind

[IMGleft]http://x88.xanga.com/51bf2071d1d33220721748/z169537310.jpg[/IMGleft]

I am such a hypocrite. I comfort people and give them advice - pretty good, credible tips at that - yet I don't follow what I preach. My friends are stressing out about college...& how many of them were not accepted, despite being completely qualified. This year is hella weird, I swear. I'm struggling to find the words to calm them down, knowing that next year I will be in the exact same situation. My 8th grade science teacher (Mrs. Carla, for those of you who remember) was a Stanford graduate. My current history teacher, Mr. Kirk, proudly proclaims himself a San Jose State graduate. Here's the thing: they are both making the same wage right now, both equally happy w/ where they've landed. I firmly believe college is overrated; I mean seriously, why does it matter? Regardless of what college we go to, we'll end up doing whatever we decided. & because we will never know what we missed out on, there's nothing to be miserable about. Only the current situation, which should be looked at as something completely positive. College is just for personal pride. It's more of a self-acheivement sort of thing than something to secure your future. I really do think that. Yet, I'm so stressed about making it to a good UC. I deserve a slap!

What is wrong w/ me? Why am I starting to narrow all my open thoughts about eveything I've ever known in such a broad category such as "life"? I don't even know.

- - -

I have low self-esteem. If you know me even remotely, that's not news to you. I cannot take a compliment on ANYTHING - intelligence, accomplishments, appearance, personal characteristics - w/out totally totally rejecting it. I can't even say "thank you" w/out adding on a "but I'm not" at the end. Why? I don't know. I just feel like they don't mean it & they're saying it because they feel obligated to do so because of something I did or said previously. & because of that, I feel guilty, & I feel the best way to appreciate the effort they put into praising me is by "modestly" negating what they say. Come to think of it, there is absolutely no sense to why I react that way, but I do it anyway. Quite a few times, I have had very mild scuffles w/ people on this attribute of mine; "Why do you always do that? If you don't think you're (insert positive adjective here), then what am I?" I can understand where this is coming from because, all pride & cockiness aside, I do have times when I do better in a certain field than others. I know this, but my mind keeps telling me that I'm not good enough, that I should be doing better because how well I'm doing is completely independent of those around me. My own standards are not relative to what other people perceive as the borderlines between "good", "bad", and "average". That is my justification.

So to all of you who have complimented me & to all of you who have ever praised my w/ the most genuine of intentions, you have no idea how thankful I am. W/ all the comments I have received thus far, which is quite a lot (I live in such a friendly environment), I am still unable to embrace what I've done & who I am. God knows how horrible my self-esteem would be w/out them. I'm normally not all this gushy, but I'm a lot more complicated than I make myself out to be. I really do notice all the little things, although this isn't always a good thing. I just feel like life is easier when you can leave all your thoughts to yourself. I'll probably never know whether I'm right or not.

- - -

I've been thinking about a lot of things lately. Things that revolve around life. I know, this is really random. It's late & I have school tomorrow, so I don't have time to talk about it.

But I just can't get certain things out of my mind. If I could have anything right now, it'd just be the ability to say, "Yes, I understand."

Maybe someday I'll write about it, maybe I won't. We'll see.

- - -

I couldn't really tell you, what I want from life right now. I'm so overwhelmed. That's not to say I don't appreciate what I have, because I'm content w/ where I am in life. Content in every sense of the word. I just...I don't know. This is a really random blog & I'm totally aware of that, but I just had an ephiphany about certain things today. Too many things happen in too little time. Life is too short.

- - -

Recently, I've had some internal conflicts about what I want to do when I grow up. What I want to major in. What I want to do w/ a passion while still attaining my goal of positively changing something in the world, regardless of how small on a scale that change is. I honestly don't know what I want to do. I've long been planning on becoming a writer/journalist to help spread words of change about the environment, animals, fundamental rights, etc. That sounds like something I'd love to do. But honestly, I just can't quite see myself sitting in a chair in a cubicle typing up words everyday, coffee in hand, secretary calling my desk every couple hours, w/ pictures of my family on my desk next to the post-its reminding me of an afternoon meeting. I just can't see myself like that. I don't like sitting STILL, I would never, ever be able to pull it off. So now I'm at a loss, & I don't know what I should do. I guess I'll talk to my counselor about it, or talk to anyone. Maybe my parents. It's junior year, & I want to make this decision..NOW.


In this big world, I feel pretty small.

Random 1

The sky pales as the sun grew heavier with each passing second, and slowly forces itself back over the horizon. A white seagull soars overhead, careful to make sure an innocent passerby was underneath it, so that when it took care of is business, there was a place for it to land. A trail of dark brown rocks lined the pathway in the mountainous region of Kunlun. The earth is also pale with dark wet stains from a recent rainfall. The earth is pale, the sky is silent, and the mountains darken quickly, casting black silhouettes and shadows over a small temple. The temple, at first sight, looks to be abandoned, desolate, and empty. With broken pillars and faded red and yellow paints turned muddy brown, it seems as if no human life has been living there for centuries, and even possibly millenniums. However, this is a facade and humans are the ones who are fooled, although no human life has existed there within its entire lifetime. A different, oh say, perspective could be gained, if one were of a different type of life.

Within the deepest and most sacred regions of the Kunlun mountains, lie a hidden palace, visible only to the extremely spiritual or the immortal.

[IMGleft]http://i40.tinypic.com/30bpyww.png[/IMGleft]
044. Pretend


Days felt long and dreary, she felt as if most of the day, she moved automatically, of some greater force, beyond her control. Most of the events that occurred were blurred in her mind's vision, lost in the abyss of worries, doubts, fears, hurts. She waited hopefully for an answer to her troubles, perhaps something, or someone would come and tell her that everything would be alright, that there was nothing to be afraid of anymore. That she wouldn't have to be afraid of getting excited or laugh so much that she'd pass out, that she wouldn't have to be afraid of getting so angry that everything around her would spin into black circles, that she wouldn't have to be afraid of being so afraid that everything would disappear. She waited hopefully, endlessly for someone, anyone to come and try to understand her, to offer her a smile and say," Everything's gonna be alright." She believed her waiting paid off.


"Will you come back to visit me?"

She could barely make out his silhouette threw her eyes, squinting hard to try to make him out through the dust and wind. While she couldn't make out the clear, defined shape of the world, she could understand everything. Every little hand gesture, every smile, every turn of the head; she knew exactly what they all meant.

Yes I will visit you, but she knew deep within herself, from the sound of his voice, the soft twist of his head, that this would be their final goodbye.

Wishes are granted by the millions-- by a stroke of luck or a twist of fate, but sometimes, you lose what little faith you have left because of a broken promise; remember that you are alive.

He faded away, into the brown swirls of dust and wind, into the dark train station, illuminated by a single headlight at the head of the train. The conductor pulled the whistle and his form completely vanished from her line of sight. She hears the train slowly start its engines and roll away into the bleak blurriness, the place that her eyes won't reach, and her ears can't see. She decides not to run after him because it would be pointless. An unreturned goodbye, a false promise, and a minuscule drip of hope that stains her heart; she pretends they're not there.

[IMGright]http://wigwags.files.wordpress.com/2008/09/warfare-trench.jpg[/IMGright]009. Write



December 10th 1944

Dear Susie,

I'm sorry I haven't written to you in a long time. Everything's just been so hard on me lately, and I just feel so confused and lost whenever I'm out there on the front. They say we're on the verge of defeating the Germans, but I have a strange feeling that the war will keep going for at least another few years. I heard the Japs don't give up either, even though our air force is bombing the hell out of them. I really miss you Susie, I really miss you. Sometimes I think the only thing that keeps me going is my memory of home, and all the good times, of the summers. I didn't realize how peaceful and quiet it was back there. Now, all I hear are bombs and air raids, and death. I think I might actually be hearing death, Susie.

People who haven't been in war, don't realize what a truly gruesome terror it is. I can't believe this is real. Everything in these past 3 years have been real, but at the same time, they all blurred past me and I can't seem to get a grasp of what they were. Tom died a few days ago. I cried, when I was holding him in my arms. It was disgusting what they did to him. Blew him up into nearly a dozen pieces, and his limbs were only loosely attached to him.

I didn't notice how much fatigue I felt until each day is over. When I'm sleeping, that's the only time I can honestly stop recalling the day's events in my head over and over again; war is hell.

But I can't wait to see you, and everyone else. That's the only thing that keeps me going. Instead of hoping and wondering, I want to be there with you and touch you, and know that you're real instead the you that's been in my dreams these past years. I feel like I haven't seen you in ages. I love you.

Much Love,
Keith





Keith Goldman
Died in action
December 11th 1944

034. Locked


[IMGleft]http://www.hillkeep.ca/images/peony_circle_transx.gif[/IMGleft]

"Peony, it's time to get dressed."

The graceful maiden was sitting in the Woman's Chambers and stared at her painting. She held held the paintbrush delicately between her fingers and looked into her canvas listlessly. Without turning her head, she replied softly," Yes Orchid, I'm coming."

With a silent movement, she lifted herself from her seat and glided smoothly over to the hallway noiselessly. Strangers could all agree that they were all captivated by Peony's gracefulness and tranquility when they laid eyes on her. Peony moves with a certain air of easiness and delicacy that it seems more like she floats upon the earth rather than to say she walks.

In the hallway, Peony slowed down a bit and tipped her head slightly to acknowledge Xiaoqing, who was a chubby and exuberant little girl at the age of 14. Xiaoqing blushed with embarrassment and giggled, nodding her back at Peony.

Arriving at her room, Peony held the doorknob and twisted it gently, peering inside. Her mother was already there, seated on the edge of her bed, holding a deep red silk gown that dripped like liquid to the floor and spreading out like rivulets. A small smile tugged at the corners of Peony's lips, but she held it back as proper etiquette demanded of her.

"Mama, what are you doing?"

Peony's mother, First Lady Song, smiled upon the arrival of her daughter and smoothed out the crevices and wrinkles of the silken gown. She stood up, her demeanor was sophisticated and elegant, the one of a girl with good upbringing and a high family status. Peony took a few steps towards her mother and First Lady Song stood up, holding the hand of her daughter gently," Peony, Madame Xiu finished you wedding gown."

Peony's heart dropped and she swallowed hard," It's beautiful mama," she breathed with fake anticipation.

First Lady Song smiled again," I knew you'd like it, Peony. Remember there's only three months left before your betrothal. Aren't you excited darling?"

"I am, mama."

Her mother bowed slightly and Peony bowed deeper, Lady Song walked out and closed the door behind her.

Peony held the crimson gown in her hands and was awed at it's intricacy and workmanship. Gathers and pleats were sewn in meticulously, with light pink peony flowers in braids all along the side as a zipper. There was a light pattern of pomegranates and swans swimming across the fabric. Peony let the cloth slip in her hands and fall to the ground. It made no sound when it hit the ground, but a small gasp of air lifted it just above the earth and it floated back down again. It really was like liquid.

Peony sighed and pushed back her shiny ebony-stained hair, letting it roll down her shoulders and down her back. She walked over to her window and sat down beside it. The window was her escape, her freedom. From there she could see nearly everything. At first glance, it seems the only visible thing is the Song Garden. Filled to the brim with lush green bushes and vegetables, lined neatly with thin, but strong bamboo trees, and ornamented carefully with a variety of beautiful flowers of all colors of the spectrum. But Peony knew these things were ephemeral, that they were superficial and there was something more. Flowers last a while, and wilt away with the seasons. Flowers do not convey reality. Flowers convey what the florist wants it to convey. And Peony knows this, so she looks further on. Beyond the Song Garden, Peony could see the old fruit stand man standing by his fruit cart, eagerly awaiting his next customer, or the little children playing hide and seek out by the courtyards. She felt that they were real. Peony wanted reality in life and she was tired of the arrangements made so that the future could flow along a constrained path, molded by her elders. She believed that her future needed to be free to go where its heart desired, and hers too.

But alas, Peony withdrew from her window and picked up the red gown. She gripped it slowly in between her slender fingers and picked up its scent. Smelled like flowers. She smiled with melancholy and set it aside.

Peony knew that despite her inner desires, she was already too constrained within her own life that nothing would change the path that was carved for her-- until she met him.

I wanted to be heard by you
But your thoughts drift into a far off place I cannot travel
Across the mountains, passing the rivers, and through forests
I yearn for your acceptance, your respect
But death wraps my body like a serpent
And I am gone again.

When people are on Earth, they experience love.
When they ascend to heaven, they will keep loving.
If love ends when a person leaves Earth, that is not real love.

Mother's love, something so vague but desired by so many young girls,
Eludes most of us
Turning into fog and mist
Sorry she could not reveal the truth earlier
Until it was too late
And despite the doubt, her love has always been there,
Protecting you, and loving you the most.

My heart soars to find you
and sings lyrics of happiness to your ears
I hope you hear the songs of my heart
For they will sing to you
As long as you are willing to listen to them.

"You are a shameless girl aren't you?!" The old woman spat her words angrily and full of spite as she glared Peony in the eyes.

Peony lowered her eyes and bent her head forward in resignation," No, Grandmother."

The old woman huffed and grabbed her papers from Peony's bedside table and left her room, slamming the door behind her.

It was only a small accident which angered Peony's grandmother so greatly. At the dinner table when the family casually discussed Peony's future betrothal, Second Aunt asked Peony what she thought, and Peony who had let her guard down, replied with a truthful," I really would rather not."

Peony sat on the edge of her bed with her head down, her long silky hair flowing along the porcelain curves of her face. Peony stood up and gracefully sifted her way over to her window. There she saw her father and the other Uncles eating and smoking. Peony didn't mean to, but curiosity took the best of her and she sat beside her window, the red curtains drawn nearly to a close, and listened carefully to the chatter of her Uncles and Father.


"Peony is a pretty girl, Xu Jian, but she needs to learn her place." First Uncle took a sniff of his cigarette and looked over his shoulder casually.

Father smiled at him and lit his cigarette," Now really, I don't see why everyone is making a fuss over such a small ordeal. She accidentally let her mouth slip, it's not a big deal. After all, everyone knows that no young girl likes having an arranged marriage without knowing if their husband may be cruel or evil or fat."

Second Uncle snorted, his fat belly shaking while he took a sip of jasmine tea," Women should know their place Xu Jian, whether or not they like arranged marriages, it is their duty to not speak out of place."

First and Third Uncle nodded their heads in agreement and Father sighed in defeat," I suppose you're right. But what do you want me to do about it? I can't change how my daughter feels."

Peony's eyes glittered with hatred for her uncles and pulled tightly on the red curtains.

Third Uncle chimed in," She should do well to keep away from books, writing and literature. Education is good for the mind, but too much can steer young girls on the wrong path."

Xu Jian smoked his cigarette and let out a slow puff," There's nothing I can do about what my daughter has already learned."

First Uncle said," Then stop any further education. All she needs to know is how to please her future husband and how to keep house, and perhaps only a bit of education as to teach her future son."

The rest of the uncles nodded in mutual agreement, as if they had just figured out the complete foundation on which womanhood was created. Peony shuddered at their ignorance.

Xu Jian said nothing and looked off into the distant garden.

Peony closed her curtains and locked herself into her room.

_____Stifled sobs came jumping through the hallways, bouncing off doors and colliding into dark corners.

_____"I've found beauty and happiness in these words, how can they possibly take them away from me, when they're forever embedded into my heart?" Another sob, another heave, another tear.

_____She gripped her books against her chest tightly as she heaved another tight breath of air and looked at her tear-stained books. They were crumpled and torn and battered from years of reading, studying, and conflict. A blue jay flew by the window and perched itself on her window sill. It stopped for a second, looked at her with it's curious and insightful eyes, turning away quickly and flapping itself back into the distant sky. Peony dropped her books and wiped her tears away; they were sticking to her face. She moved over to the window, a pale listlessness in her eyes, and touched the place where the blue jay perched itself. She wondered if one day she would die and be reincarnated into something like that. Something with a freedom and ability to leave everything at the tip of a hat. She thought of this fleeting idea and quickly went back to hiding her books.

Ahren & Cohen Ostheim


The sea as far as the eye can see. A soft gust of wind creeps up from behind me and brushes itself past me. The sky is endless.

- - -

"My brother is sick today, is there anything I can give him?" Ahren looks at the medicinal store clerk nervously.

The clerk shakes his head in sympathy," If it's the same sickness as before, there's nothing I can give him Ahren. I'm sorry."

Ahren hangs his head in defeat and then smiles," It's alright, thank you anyway."

He scratches his head for a moment, wincing at the sudden illumination of the sun and thinks," Is Cohen going to be alright without medicine?"

- - -

The only sanctuary that Cohen finds, is when he is asleep. He finds that his dreams take him to far off places in a distant world much different from the one he lives in now.

A huge waterfall, a pure white background, and steamy cerulean mist covering the bottom of the waterfall mysteriously. He mind is blurred by endless possibilities.

"...en." A voice is calling out to him, but his mind is foggy. It is getting harder to see his dream behind all the mist.

"Cohen..."

Who is calling out to him?

His eye lids flutter open and close, and finally open.

"Brother...?"

"Cohen, are you alright? You've been sleeping all day." Cohen looks into the worried frowning face of his older brother and coughs lightly," I'm okay brother. The fever is going down."

Ahren sighs," I really don't know what to do with you Cohen. You're going to worry me sick to death. How are you always getting sick anyway?"

He put his hand over his little brother's light blonde flop of hair and messes it up gently. Cohen blushes," You're embarrassing me."

"There's no one here but us." Ahren smiles and says," Here I'll get you another blanket so you don't catch a cold."

"Okay thanks."

- - -

The clouds are above me, the wind carries me, riding beneath my feet, softly caressing my old pains; I feel alive. A moment's unrest and I feel the sky tear farther and farther from my sight. The sea is beneath me again. I look around and there is no land for miles. I am alone.

The monkey titled his head suspiciously and eyed the boar with great curiosity.

"Why would you need my help?" asked the monkey.

The boar replied," As you can see, you move much faster than me. You can swing from tree branch to tree branch as if you fly like a bird. I need your help."

The monkey scratched his head and said," I don't know. What's in it for me if I help you deliver your message?"

The boar grinned and snorted," Anything you want of course!"

"Anything I want?" asked the monkey.

"Yes, I can arrange it for you. I have connections," bragged the boar.

The monkey looked at the boar even more curiously and also very carefully; the monkey was not going to be fooled by a pig.

"Okay, I'll do it."

He listened tentatively, breathing slowly and as silently as humanly possible. His brother's words slipped carelessly by him and he blinked in confusion. He realized he couldn't understand anything he was saying.

"Yuki?" His big brother's pitch black eyes peered into his curiously," What's wrong?"

"Nii-san..." He scratched his head for a moment, not looking at his brother and laughed," It's nothing."

His big brother scoffed," Well, okay. But if you're feeling sick, you should really say something Yuki."

"I'm okay Nii-san. Itadakimasu." Yuki picked up his chopsticks and picked up a small piece of meat.

"You're not hungry either?"

Yuki paused," No, sorry Nii-san, I don't feel like eating today. I think I'm just going to go to school now."

His brother's eyes flickered with a strange light and then brushing his fingers through his ebony stained hair, he sighed," Alright, go."

Yuki bowed and quickly slid through the tatami matted floors and opened the sliding doors carefully," Bye Nii-san."

"Bye Yuki."

His eyes grazed her small body listlessly and confused; reeling in strained sobs.

"What have they done to you?"

Ahren stared at the little girl in horror, his eyes were wide with unrestrained terror. His arms were shaking and his sharp face flushed pale white with sweat and fear. His hair was messy and shaggy, everything was out of place; his little sister was out of place.

"Sophie... what happened to you?"


Yesterday his little sister was 14 years old and today, she came to him, only appearing to be no more than 5 years old.

She peered at him, scared and sad. Her little fingers grasped his loose shirt shakily and she mumbled something incoherent.

"What?"

"A stwange man gave me somethin' to eat yestaday. But I didn't know he wus stwange so I ate it."

Ahren put his face in his hands and said nothing. Sophie put her hands on his head comfortingly.

"It's ok big-brotha. I'm okay. Cohen is still sick, he still needs ya."

It was a beautiful summer in our home village that year I turned 17. Everything always stayed the same. Nothing changed, everyone who left eventually came back and anyone who came always stayed. My village is full of memories.

I loved and hated that aspect of my life. Even though days seemed repetitive, it was good. But does the painful monotony of each day make it bad?

I wouldn't know and I've never questioned it of course, until the course of this entire country shifted.

Once lush green valleys and plains, now engulfed in crimson flames and blood of these people who I once called family.

So the entire course of my life was changed. I was changed, but not for the better.

Ahren drew little blonde-haired Sophie into his arms and petted her softly.

"Will you go and play with Cohen while he eats dinner?"

Sophie blinked several times and nodded, she dashed off into the other room and shut the door behind her. Ahren pulled himself under the safety of his blanket and put his head under his pillow.

Without moving, he could feel his entire world unravel in his presence. Piece by piece, everything fell apart. His little brother's continuous sickness and the drop of 9 years in his little sister. All alone he felt strained; a powerful rope hung on his shoulders and snaked its way around his throat.

"You promised me something a very long time ago, on this very spot, don't you remember?"

"Ah no I can't say that I do."

"Are you sure? Can you think harder?"


A soft icy wind caresses my face; I blink several times and look ff into the distance.


"I'm sorry, can't you just tell me what the promise was?"

"No, there would be no point to it if you simply forgot about it."

I frown, annoyed with this person's stubbornness.

"Well, I can't remember, what will you do now?"

"Until you remember, we could go visit the place we used to always see."

"Where was that? I told you I don't remember anything."

"The sea."


The white sand shifts under my feet and I shake my toes gently, allowing them to fall between them. My thoughts crawl into my mind, searching for something deeper, but always coming up with nothing. A time line in my mind is broken at one point. It is clear as the blue sky and the beautiful ocean until it hits that black spot. When it hits that spot, everything changes. Everything turns black again; pieces of fragments of thoughts fallen into a black abyss.

There was something strangely romantic about the sea that he couldn't get a grasp of. Something oddly beautiful, sensual and romantic all at the same time.

The astronomer smiled to the little brown-capped boy and asked," Do you know what are the three main wisdoms of the universe?"

"No," said the boy.

"Well," the astronomer placed a finger on an old book on his desk," astronomy is one of them."

The boy smiled and asked," What are the other three?"

"Alchemy and theurgy." Answered the astronomer.

"What's theurgy?" asked the boy.

The astronomer looked outside his window; snow was falling all around the world. The earth became white under it's purity.

"It's faith." replied the astronomer.

There was something about snow that changed the Earth. Daytime and nighttime became absolute opposites. Simply a matter of black and white.

The little boy came to find that the astronomer was very intelligent. He knew all about astronomy and faith and alchemy. He was a well-rounded man, wisdom filled his years.

Once, the astronomer gave the boy a watch. This, he said, is a watch to keep track of time.

The boy looked at him bewildered. I don't need a watch, he answered.

The astronomer only smiled and said, you'll see when the time comes. Remember, the watch doesn't keep track of the past.

The boy frowned, I know that.