Never Realy Forgiven Were You has the potential to be a very strong poem, although it seems a bit rough.
First off, the title is weak. If you take out the 'really' it sounds more certain, and it adds a better strength. That's petty on my part though. XD
Second, your formatting is awkward. Perhaps try:
Quote:
You Were Never Really Forgiven Were You?
Every Insult Craved Into The Walls, Craved Into Your Skin.
Every Insult Whispered In Every Hall, Whispered In Your Ear.
Their Faces Haunt The Corner Of Every Mirror, Haunt Your Every Dream.
|
A format like this ellaborates on the link in the phrases. It seperates the 'carved', 'whispered', and 'haunt' aspects and gives each line more attention from teh reader and makes the message stronger.
Quote:
...You Could Of Forgiven Them...
Every Step Burnt Into The Ground.
Every Touch Cut In Your Heart.
Each Breath Locked Away.
Each Tear Falling Freely.
Your Warm Heart Cooled To It's Core.
|
First, steps burned in the ground, cold hearts, and locked breathes give a more imprisioned feel that's completely disregaurded by the tears falling 'freely'. Perhaps find a different word, or suggest the tears held back or in. This is totally a preference thing of course, but it takes away a lot from your poem to change feeling like that.
Also, the 'cold heart' and 'tears' are both very commonly used terms. Maybe try rephrasing it to be more original? A lot of the art of poetry is saying things in ways people aren't used to hearing, and letting them try to take thier own meaning from it. Once again, this is just my opinion. n.n
Quote:
...You Could Of Forgiven Them...
A Shadow Of Your Former Self.
The Physical Pain.
The Emotial Pain.
The Emptiness You Feel.
The Loneliness You Feel.
|
Here you're playing a game of show and tell. You tell the reader the physical pain, then tell them the emotional pain, then show the emotional pain. What about the physical pain? Why not show that too?
Quote:
...You Could Of Forgiven Them...
But You Ran Away
|
This line is very strong. The line itself stands alone, demanding the reader's full attention. The context and the feeling match perfectly, saying ;you ran away', thus leaving, when ending the poem.
Over all, I would also work on adding a distinct rythm to this poem. Match up the syllables in every, every other, every third sentance, or whatever pattern apeals to you. It'll flow better that way.
Any way, I'm sorry if I come across too harsh, I'm very blunt when editing. n.n;;
If my advice is appreciated and I have time I'd gladly critique your other poems. n.n
