Clark Somers

Clark had a job yesterday. A good photo shoot with a very professional photographer. He had been very excited, considering it was his first good paid job in a long time. He had done the most professional things and modeled for the man to the absolute best of his ability. This might be the time that he would get the best possible shoots, get noticed, and become a model at large! His brown waved hair hung in flowing locks, perfectly surrounding his angled face, slate gray eyes shining with happiness.

But nothing in life can ever be so good to him. Promptly after the shoot, the photographer started speaking in the same familiar tone that Clark had grown so accustomed to lately. The tone that expressed that the older photographer wanted more than just good pictures from him. Even though he had promised himself time and time again that he wouldn't fall into this again, there he was. He was in bed with another man he never knew before today.

When morning came, the young aspiring model woke stark naked in a bed he wasn't familiar with. There was a cd on the bedside table, a small note attached to it. "Get your pictures, clothes, and skanky ass out of here before I get back from my morning shoot." He read the words aloud 4 times as it sunk in. He had done it again.. Holding his head as he rolled out of the less than soft bed, the lavender colors of the bed comforter less than soothing to his heart's aches and burns. Clark made his way to standing, balancing himself and his aching back and butt by putting his hand against the table.

Looking at the clock that read 11:54 AM, he sighed. Grabbing his clothing from the floor, wrinkled and distressed from being nearly torn off his body. Quickly, he fumbled to put them back on. Everything seemed out of place, hair a mess, drowsy eyes, wrinkled clothes, and soon even, shoes on the wrong feet. He made the walk of shame out of the apartment and down to where he could signal a taxi cab for a ride home. He whistled, holding his hand up for the cab, and three went by before one finally stopped.

"Rough night?" the man spoke to him as he got in, thick italian accent and all. But Clark just nodded and gave his address. Soon, the cab was moving along the streets and before he knew it (probably from dazing off in the back seat), he was parked outside his out shabby apartment building. Looking at the cash meter, he grumbled and pulled severely crinkled money from his pocket, handing it to the man. Pushing the door open and getting out, he located his keys and made his way to the apartment where he knew he would have to face Jae Ki, his roommate.

He made his way in through the worn out wooden door that was to the worn out apartment he resided in. "Home..." He called out to his only companion and roommate before making his way to the bathroom to comb his hair and get some fresh clothes on. As fast as his lethargic body would let him, he brushed his hair, his teeth, and changed into clothing that was at least a bit less trashy looking for the moment. Soon enough, he made his way to the kitchen to see his friend with a bottle of beer. "This early, eh?"

{I love comments as I go with things. Let me know how you think it's coming out, or any helpful critiques are useful to me!}

Originally Posted by dimitriblair

... his first good paid job in a long time.

I’d change it to: ‘good, paying job’.

Originally Posted by dimitriblair

He had done the most professional things…

This seems a bit awkward. I couldn’t tell if you meant he had done a good job, or if you were referencing his less than professional behavior later on.

Originally Posted by dimitriblair

His brown waved hair hung in flowing locks … slate gray eyes shining with happiness.

I’d change it to: ‘brown, wavy hair’. I’d also add ‘as his’ before ‘slate gray’ or simply make the statement about his eyes a separate line.

Originally Posted by dimitriblair

But nothing in life can ever be so good to him.

I’d change ‘can’ to ‘could’.
Also, it’s hard to tell with such a short segment, but is this going to be 3rd person omniscient or limited?

Originally Posted by dimitriblair

… Clark had grown so accustomed to lately.

I’d cut out ‘lately’.

Originally Posted by dimitriblair

He was in bed with another man he never knew before today.

The sentence structure seems wordy. Maybe ‘he hardly knew’ before ‘he never knew before today’?

Originally Posted by dimitriblair

When morning came, the young aspiring model…

I’d put a comma after ‘young’.

Originally Posted by dimitriblair

There was a cd on the bedside table, a small note attached to it.

I think CD should be capitalized since it’s technically an acronym. I’d also add ‘with’ before ‘a small note’.

Originally Posted by dimitriblair

He read the words aloud 4 times as it sunk in.

Since it’s under ten, I’d write out the word ‘four’.

Originally Posted by dimitriblair

He had done it again..

There seems to be an extra period here.

Originally Posted by dimitriblair

Holding his head as he rolled out of the less than soft bed, the lavender colors of the bed comforter less than soothing to his heart's aches and burns.

I’d add a comma after ‘head’ and cut out ‘as’. It doesn’t make a whole lot of sense grammatically. I’d also end the first sentence at ‘soft bed’ so the sentence isn’t quite so long.

Originally Posted by dimitriblair

Everything seemed out of place, hair a mess, drowsy eyes, wrinkled clothes, and soon even, shoes on the wrong feet.

I’d change the first comma to a semi-colon since you’re listing things. (I think a colon technically would work too.) I’d also cut out ‘soon’, since this is the only mention we have of it.

Originally Posted by dimitriblair

"Rough night?"

I’m not really sure why this is in italics when all the other dialogue is bold?

Originally Posted by dimitriblair

… thick italian accent and all.

‘italian’ should be capitalized. I don’t understand what ‘and all’ is for? Maybe: ‘the man spoke with a thick Italian accent as he got it.’

Originally Posted by dimitriblair

But Clark just nodded and gave his address.

I’d cut out ‘But’, it doesn’t seem like you’re negating anything.

Originally Posted by dimitriblair

(probably from dazing off in the back seat)

While this technically makes sense I wonder if you meant ‘dozing’?

Originally Posted by dimitriblair

… he would have to face Jae Ki, his roommate.

I’d cut out ‘his roommate’. It feels a bit forced and you explain this to us a little while later in a much nicer sentence.

Originally Posted by dimitriblair

He made his way in through the worn out wooden door…

I’d add a comma after ‘worn out’. I also think ‘worn out’ should have a dash in it.
‘the worn-out, wooden door that was to the worn-out apartment’.

Originally Posted by dimitriblair

… and changed into clothing that was at least a bit less trashy looking for the moment.

I’d cut out ‘at least’ and ‘for the moment’. I think it makes the sentence a little wordier than it needs to be.

Originally Posted by dimitriblair

"This early, eh?"

Because a new person is talking this should drop down into its own paragraph.

--

It sounds like this could be a good story as we watch him become a stronger person, which I assume this is where it’s heading. Mostly I just saw grammatical issues and sometimes you’re a little wordy. But I liked the idea of the main plot.

I hope I was of some help, good luck!

thank you for the extensive critique.
At times I meant to be wordy, and at times words were deliberately made to sound the way they were.
But a lot of the comments were things I just didn't notice while writing.

Also, my username was spelt wrong, but it's okay. Most people do that. (: