this thread will be my perch in the poetry forum, yaaay.
/flails

rambles / snippets will be posted here. some that make sense, most that don't.
just things that don't have a story, or maybe do have a story but only within a few paragraphs.

simple exerpts from lives, i suppose.
feel free to critique!
i love feedback, good and bad. because you can't improve without feedback~

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[rambling #1]

"I hope you'll never think back to me. I hope there will be a day, some day, that you won't be able to recall thoughts of us, thoughts of me." Her hands raised to fold his collar over the lapels of his coat. "I once had hoped to look back on thoughts of you almost fondly. Always thinking of such things with a soft smile and gentle eyes, but now, I know that won't be true." Her eyes found a stray hair on his jacket sleeve and dainty fingertips plucked it away. "I do hate you." Her lips stretched across her teeth in a snarl of a smile.

"Maybe one day, someday, you'll forgive me and I'll forgive you." His words were spoken softly as his hand raised to tuck a strawberry-blonde curl away from her jaw and behind her ear. With the exception of that one out of place strand, her hair was perfectly smoothed back to form a lovely bundle of swirls at the nape of her neck. Her pink lips stretched wider against her teeth, the skin of her chin tightening.

"Forgiveness requires thought," She unpinned his boutonniere, the pearl at the head glinting between her polished nails, she straightened it, then re-pinned it quickly, the sharp tip grazing the flesh of chest quite unkindly even through the layers of his shirt and jacket. He didn't flinch. She snarled that smile again as a sort of apology for what was no accident. "I would much rather you not think of me. Rather you not remember me at all." The pale of her skin was such a contrast to the black of his suit. She turned and motioned to the half-zippered back of her rose-colored gown. "After tonight, all thoughts of you will be banished from my mind."

"I don't believe it will be that simple for me." He placed his fingers at the bottom of the zipper to pull it taut and keep it from snagging on the wispy folds of her gown. "I can't think of anything ever being simple when it comes to you."

"You always did make things so much more complicated than they ever needed to be." She said, her words quick and clipped yet somehow she managed to breathe them out in a lazy tone, something he was quite sure that only she could do. She leaned slightly forward to check her teeth in the long mirror in front of her. She gave the mirror a dazzling smile and pinched the apples of her cheeks to pinken them. He snapped the zipper all the way up, purposely catching at the skin between her shoulders. She gave a hiss of pain and her cold violet eyes met his in the mirror. He released her dress and turned away from her, checking his watch as the music from the church's main hall began.

"Time for the show to begin." He strode toward the door and raised his arm for her to take with a slight glance back at her. She slowly turned away from the mirror and stepped up to stiffly take his arm. "Look how far we've come, my dear, and all for what?" He murmured, looking straight on as the doors before them began to open. She didn't even bother to hide her snarl behind a smile as her upper lip rose in a point on the left side of her mouth.

"I do hate you." She hissed. She glared at him for a breath of a moment and then the doors swung all the way open. Her eyes snapped forward to attention that dazzling hundred watt smile for all to see.

They stepped in delicate rhythm to the sweet hum of the organ down the church aisle.

[fin]

Originally Posted by ronneh

Her hands raised to fold his collar over the lapels of his coat.

Since this is the first narrated sentence, I’d make it a little simpler grammar-wise. Maybe ‘She raised her hands to fold…’? It makes sense this way, though, so it’s not a major point.

Originally Posted by ronneh

… his hand raised…

You just used “hand(s) raised” so I’d phrase it differently here.

Originally Posted by ronneh

They stepped in delicate rhythm to the sweet hum of the organ down the church aisle.

I like that the ending had this punch. I really did. But I think this particular punch gave too many logistic issues to have its full effect. Since it’s a ‘rambling’ I can assume this isn’t the opening to something larger, which makes me a little depressed I won’t ever understand what the heck is going on.

Exactly because this is a short piece, I think there should be something with a few less questions attached. The question is not so much “Why are they getting married if they hate each other” because the readers can come up a thousand interesting reasons, which I think was your intent. The bigger question was “If they’re getting married, what/how is all this about being apart?”

Admittedly, I’m looking at this from an extremely critical point of view since I went into this to expecting to edit.


I really liked it, though! I hope you write more micro-fiction. You’re really quite good at it! I hope to see more soon!