10-16-2011, 10:10 PM
Aaaand, I'm going to be the equivalent of 'that guy' and half agree, half disagree with the above commenter. While repetition can be tedious, it can also be used intentionally to link/hold a piece or series of pieces together. I will say that, in this particular piece, I'm not sure it's doing all that much / as much as it could be and is leaning more toward tedious/annoying.
That being said, a thesaurus is NOT a pet's best friend. It may seem tempting to look up a bunch of cool words you'd otherwise not know/use in order to make your poem seem cooler....but trust me, people will likely be able to tell when you've done this. I'm not saying that a thesaurus doesn't have its uses from time to time, but I wouldn't suggest hunting to and fro for word after word. In fact, commonplace words used in odd ways can often be more effective than grandiose or rarely used words used in a normal/regular way.
As for the poem itself, it has a nice progression of events, but it doesn't give me enough. It leaves me wanting to know more about this creature, more about the narrator's reactions to the creature. On top of that, many of your images are a bit too common place (likely the reason the above commenter mentioned using a thesaurus). This could be anyone's generic dark things and pain poem. Though, admittedly, I do like the whirring and clicking, for such words/sounds do a lot for a piece. However, they aren't doing much / you immediately move on and there doesn't seem to be a point to them beyond the fact that they sound cool. If you're going to use something, it needs to serve a purpose beyond 'oooh, that sounds nifty' (though it may serve that purpose as well).
"Screams countered by non-existence" - Normally, something abstract like this, the concept of not existing, works well after a series of images. However, at present, the images that come before this line are a tad too generic / not nearly powerful enough to proceed something on the more abstract side. Without strong either around, leading to, or helping to make up an abstract concept or idea, such things tend to disengage readers, leaving them unable to connect with and thus fully enjoy the piece.
Last edited by Seridano; 10-16-2011 at 10:13 PM..
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