Welcome to my poetry thread!

Im kind of new here , so bare with me if I don't do this right. Ive read the rules but feel free to correct me if I miss anything.

Im going to use this thread to post my poetry as I see fit, and any and all critique are more than welcome.

Ill start with the poem I named the thread after.

:cool:

Oh baby, Your a glutton for punishment.
Just hold you down and watch you squirm till you realize it.
Oh baby, Your a glutton for punishment.

From love letter to death note.
With each word your deluded.
Like smoke in your chest, she'll make you choke.
Trapped; your hearts atmosphere polluted.

I don't mean to sound hostile but its all a lie.
Make up your damn mind.
I find myself wishing all you people would die.
Innocent girl, Thoughts so unkind.

Oh baby, Your a glutton for punishment.
I could do these things to you; hurt you like you want me to.

This enamoredness is ridiculous.
Understand I just cant keep on watching this.
Oh baby, Your a glutton for punishment.
For punishment.

Allow me to repair you.
Without her who would despair you?
Not I, darling, Not I.

I quite like it

Why thank you :)

Well, your grammar is off base. It would be "You're a glutton for punishment" because it is "you are". Same for "you're deluded." You got the "your" right for "your hearts", but wrong for the hearts part. It is the atmosphere of the heart, thus possessive, heart's. "It's all a lie" because it is. Little things. You have apostrophe issues.

That said, I wish it didn't rhyme. The darker themes combined with the rhyming always make me feel like I'm sitting in on a high school poetry class. Rhyming doesn't make it a poem and dark themes don't make it deep. The narrative seems lost. Who is the poem directed to? It sort of jumps around from you to you people to her. What are you really trying to say?

To be completely honest, it sounds like something you scribbled down after reading Death Note. It could use some work. I know, I'm picky. Very very picky. But you said all critique was welcome. I'd suggest trying to figure out what you want to say before you write. The wanderings of the brain in rhyme, do not always an awesome poem make.

Ha well I understand how you'd feel like you were sitting in on a high school poetry class since I wrote this when I was 17, and Ive never been into death note, It just makes me laugh.

Thanks for the critique though, much appreciated. ^_^
I'll try to remember my apostrophe's in the future.

Bad Godlier! Making me sit through High School poetry again! D: Not that I ever did. I had to sit through college poetry class, which was almost worst because those people should have known better than to write some of the stuff they did.

I never really was into Death Note. But I notice that the people who are tend to be of the younger kind and they all like to squabble about which side is "right." Makes me shake my head and feel old. ^_^;;

You're welcome. I figured I'd poke the poems of people I recognized. Mwa ha ha!

And apostrophes does not have an apostrophe >_> Unless you want to say something like "I'll try to remember my apostrophe's dog in the future." Although, what an apostrophe is doing with a dog, I simply don't know :rofl: