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Shiverpass
"Wear your heart on your cheek."
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#1
Old 02-19-2011, 11:57 PM

You wrap your arms around me,
and just hold me there.
I feel so happy,
knowing that you care.
You kiss me tenderly,
with your sweet lips.
I never knew it'd be you,
to put my heart in a fix.
I trust you with my heart,
besides such a situation.
I don't care what they say,
so I'll ignore this complication.
Whatever will happen,
will happen for sure.
There's a new feeling in my heart,
I really don't know what it's for.
But all I know is you make me happy,
with your smile of golden joy.
Who knew I'd ever get this feeling,
like you're that perfect boy.
I'm falling even more in love,
no matter what the costs may be.
I didn't know that what I needed,
was something that I couldn't see.

Seridano
Disaster On Legs
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#2
Old 02-23-2011, 08:40 PM

It's cute and coherent for the most part, but beyond that, it doesn't have all that much going for it in a poetic sense. The rhyme scheme is obvious but seems to have little actual purpose beyond rhyming, a number of the breaks seem a bit odd, creating pauses in place where it really interrupts the flow of the poem. I get that you're trying to make them match, but in a good poem, they tend to do that for more than just reasons of visual balance, which is not what I'm getting here.

The imagery itself is dull and lacks much of the feeling that it is meant to convey, and you do far more telling than showing, which is generally a no-no unless it's being done on purpose for a specific effect, as it kills the overall emotional effectiveness of the piece.

All in all, you've taken a generic theme and left it in the realm of the obvious and equally generic.

ZeGuMmIBeaRQueEn
⊙ω⊙
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#3
Old 02-24-2011, 04:59 AM

Hm...I agree with Seridano, although I have a few things to add. The rhyming scheme is rather bland, and your imagery is dull. In a few places it felt like there were too little or too many syllables in a line, which threw off the rhythm. Rhythm is important in poetry, so you should be careful there. To help the imagery, you could use better description words. You used simple words like "happy" and "joy" too often. It makes it seem much more...dull. More interesting words would help to catch the reader's interest, and will help you to tell less and show more.

The repetitive rhyming scheme was, to be honest, a little annoying. The rhyming of "joy" and "boy" irritated me, as it is generic and overdone. (I'm really not trying to offend, but it's true...)
Quote:
I never knew it'd be you,
to put my heart in a fix.
I trust you with my heart,
This felt awkward, to me, because it used the word "heart" in two lines in a row, which I generally try to avoid. Of course, that one's more of a preference....So feel free to ignore it. XD

It's cute, and sweet, and you get brownie points for the last two lines, but when you view it as a poem...there's just not much there. Sorry.

 


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