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Sinful Axiom
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#1
Old 10-13-2011, 03:43 PM

My fiance cheated on me recently and then left me over facebook, so I wrote about the year we spent together, atleast the way I feel about it now.

Have you no heart, Love, the demon dressed in angels clothes?
To tempt a man with passionate oaths.
Cast aside as the rag doll you've created,
For once, I was the fool, I underestimated.

Poisoned for a year, I can no longer move.
For 12 month, all I did was try to improve.

Intellegent as I was, I fell pray to your arms,
Falling far from grace, decieved by your charms.
Baited me until I gave you my heart on a silver spoon,
Like some werewolf on the red full moon.

365 days, my count down to destruction,
8760 hours of your lying seduction.

You taunted and teased,
made me believe,
that something inside of you,
was easy to please.

525,600 minutes with lies and deception

I truely believed you loved me,
I truely believed you cared,
But I realized something,

That I wasted 31,536,000 chances to walk away.

And I was one second to late.

KH4Life
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#2
Old 10-24-2011, 03:54 PM

Love it :) Sorry about what its about, ive been there. But i absolutely love the poem

Kia_
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#3
Old 10-25-2011, 08:28 PM

I love the poem, and I am sorry as well to what happened. As I see it, there will be others out there for you, better too.

DaisyKeehl
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#4
Old 10-25-2011, 11:54 PM

I am really sorry someone did that to you D:
It is cruel how someone could do that to someone period :/
I love the poem. It is very good, it flows and it has a meaningful story behind it to inspire it. I bet alot of people could kind of relate to the poem.
Keep writing ^w^

Dystopia
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#5
Old 01-22-2012, 09:30 AM

I'm sorry. But I encourage you to keep writing. For a lot of people, it is a form of release. Maybe it'll help you, too.

The structure of your poem throws me off a little. In the beginning, you tried too hard to rhyme. Some of the rhymes are very forced. There's a lot of random words and phrases you added to get the rhymes in, and it makes your overall work lose impact. When a poem has too many needless words, the meaningful words get lost. And it stands out even more because you suddenly drop the rhymes at the end.

But I really like the end of the poem. I liked the way you counted the minutes and the seconds, and ended with realizing "a second too late."

Also: A writer should always check his or her spelling and grammar. That doesn't mean necessarily mean that a writer must always use proper spelling and grammar, but I don't think you purposefully and meaningfully chose to mispell "intelligent" as "intellegent."

Death_to_the_reaper
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#6
Old 01-23-2012, 07:18 PM

I can say through this I can feel some of the pain that you went through. I will agree with Dystopia that the beginning rhymes seemed forced. Keep in mind not all poetry has to rhyme. But I really do love the ending.

Ivvy
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#7
Old 01-26-2012, 05:35 PM

How unfortunate that you had to go through such a thing. I enjoyed the writing you put your feelings into though. The only miss in it is see is you said month instead of months when you were speaking in a plural manner. Overall thought he poem evoked emotion because I believe that most all of us have been in a relationship that went bad and took us by complete suprise I hope you keep up the good writing and move forward in life and maybe find a muse to bring out happier writings.

 


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