A small piece of the book I am writing.


Deirdre took those final hesitant steps into her parents’ tomb. The air was still and cold. Her heart was heavy with the need for revenge. The woman who was set to marry her brother had taken a life far too precious to the kingdom, and only Deirdre knew the truth. No one suspected the queen-to-be of poisoning the mother of her betrothed. But with the acting queen out of the way, Dimitri would be forced to move up the wedding in order to keep the throne.

Deirdre had overheard Emely talking to her handmaiden about killing Dimitri as well. She would have to wait until after she won the hearts of the kingdom and given the king a son, but she planned on taking this kingdom for herself and ruining all the hard work the Callaghan family had put into the kingdom.

Deirdre knelt at her mother’s crypt. She hung her head until her face was covered with hair. The hair her mother would sit and brush every night because in Queen Sarra’s eyes; a mother should brush her child’s hair before bed to ensure wonderful bright dreams.

“Mother,” she whispered into the dark. “What am I to do now? Dimitri will not listen to me. The council thinks I want the crown for myself. That witch knows I know what she did. She gives me that devilish grin every time we pass. Mother..”

“Princess?” a faint voice came through the cold dusty air.

“Corrien, my sweet cousin. Will you come pray with me?” The princess didn’t move at the sound of her young cousin coming in. Beloth was hiding in watch for anyone trying to hurt the princess. The wolf always ready to defend her master. Corrien, without another word, went and sat by her cousin and best friend. Hand and hand the two recited their family prayer over the fallen queen followed by a moment of silence in respect to all the fallen members for the kingdom.

Beloth sent Deirdre another warning. Only this time Beloth didn’t recognize the man approaching and begged for the two to hide. Without a word Princess Deirdre took her cousins hand and pulled her behind the statue of her father. In one swift movement, the princess had her bow out and an arrow nocked. She double checked that all three of them were out of sight and gave the string one last good pull. A shadow began to make its way into the doorway and come to a stop.

The stranger just sat there in the doorway looking at the freshly made crypt. It seemed to grow even quieter as time went on. Then the man began to whistle a soft melody. A melody that the princess knew instantly. It was the song that the minstrels of Ironcast would play at every meal. Deirdre relaxed her bow and let out a sigh of relief.

“King Aaron, you must have a death wish,” She said stepping from the shadows, her cousin in tow.

“Princess, my future daughter-in-law, if it was your arrow that struck me down, it would be an honorable death.” He lightly kissed her on the cheek. “And who is this young beauty?”

“Lady Corrine Callaghan, Your Grace. Lord Landers’ daughter and my cousin.”

“Well met Lady Corrine. I am King Aaron Deleon of Ironcast.” The king made an over the top bow to the young lady.

“Well met Your Grace,” Corrine said in a small voice as she curtsied.

“Be thankful Your Grace, Corrine normally doesn’t speak to strangers, even in my company.” The king took both girls by the hands and led them from the tombs towards the tea room. Beloth followed at a distance to keep an eye on her master. “I was not told of your arrival, Your Grace.”

“I told no one of my trip. I showed up only moments before coming to find you. The High Priest met me at the gate; I am assuming spotters saw me coming. He told me where I could find you. The moment the owl came with the news about your mother, I left on our fastest horse. Sarra was a very good friend to my queen and me. I had to come see that her children were alright.” They made their way to the grand hall where they met up with King Dimitri.

“Good to see you King Aaron.” Dimitri clasped forearms with Aaron as they began to walk. “You know, most people send warning before randomly showing up in the kingdom.”

“I have never shown warning to your parents; I will not start with you.” The two kings laughed as they entered a large room with two very small tables made of the finest iron work. The iron rods expertly bent and twisted to look like tree branches up to the solid stone tops. A wedding gift from the Kingdom of Ironcast to Deirdre and Dimitri’s parents. Dark, heavy, curtains hung on every wall, keeping the room warm and dim. Deirdre spent a lot of time in this room reading books that her uncle would write, many, he wrote just for her.

The group talking about King Berengier and Queen Sarra, of how they became friends. King Aaron told the children of how their parents had the most extravagant wedding the 5 Kingdoms had seen in over a thousand years. He told of the food and the dancing and just how in love the two were. The three sat and listened like small children and soaked up every word the king had to say. As the time grew later, King Aaron remembered an important detail of his trip.

“Princess, I had almost forgotten. I have a letter from my son. He told me it is very important that I give it to you upon my arrival, but it must have escaped my old mind.” He pulled a sealed letter from his extravagant coat pocket and handed it to Deirdre. She couldn’t have opened it faster at the hopes of good news from her betrothed.

“Prince Leon will be here before nightfall!” She jumped up nearly knocking over the table.

“Did you really think I would come without him?” The king laughed.

“May I be excused, Your Grace? I would like to be better dressed to welcome my future king.” He nodded as Princess Deirdre, Lady Corrine, and Beloth practically ran out of the room. The two kings laughed at the girls and began their talk of the kingdoms.

It's good, but not that great. I like the story and what you've got going on, but I feel that you're trying too hard to tell us what's going on instead of showing us. Which it is hard with short sections like this; you want to get the reader as interested as possible, which I would be either way.

A good example is the second paragraph. It's got information we could need, but it throws off the whole rhythm you started in the first.