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XxXEmoxVampireXlovexXx
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#1
Old 09-02-2009, 10:30 PM

so,this is a new poem i made up for a picture i did in paint......hope you enjoy!!:sweat:




Broken Heart

You love me,right?
You and I are really tight.
But are you sure?
What?
You don't want me anymore?
Well,if you insist.
I'll just sit here in a mist.
And cry 'till I'm numb.
I can't believe I was so DUMB!
You said those words every girl with a broken heart fears.
And now my cheeks are stained with tears.
"She's the only girl for me."
Those words were lies,can't you see?
You thought you were saying what I wanted to hear.
Because I kept you so near.



Now you're ignoring me,and you're with her.
And all I can think of is what we were.
And the tears you brought to me,
Are still here; can you see,
Through the rain that is over me forevermore,
What the use of breaking my heart was for?
Cuz' right now,I surely can't.
Please, just tell me what went wrong!
I'll do what ever it takes for you and me to be together again.

Hayzel
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#2
Old 09-05-2009, 06:34 PM

Nice job with the rhyming and rhythm and punctuation for the most part, however the 6th line on the 2nd stanza is worded really strangely and is hard to read through and doesn't make much sense. I had to re-read that one line several times, and the line after that doesn't make much sense with it either. "And still here; can you see," is a strange structure as well, it may best to reword that. Other than that it looks pretty good. :)

XxXEmoxVampireXlovexXx
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#3
Old 10-11-2009, 05:30 PM

thank you!


as for the weird wording,i have this really annoying habit of making my lines short,so i end up puting one sentance into many lines.the lines you're talking about wold really look like:


"And the tears you brought to me,are still here; can you see,through the rain that is over me forevermore,what the use of breaking my heart was for?"

i hope that clears things up for you.

 



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