Okay, there are a lot of mistakes, I know. It's really a rouch, rough draft, needs work.

So, comments, corrections//edits, advice is all welcome! ^w^

Intro::
A bitter, ice-cold wind blew angrily at the walls of the tavern, as if determined to knock the only shelter for miles away. It’s voice heard, through the creaks, and moans of the rafters over head, by Tanner, the young bar tender. Busy, behind the counter, trying to clean the sticky spots of spilled liquor off the glossy, wooden surface, the young man ignored the wind’s cries.
He was a handsome young man of sixteen or seventeen, with pale skin, a thick mop of auburn curls and crystal blue eyes set under long eye lashes. Tall, with a slender build, he wore a plain, short-sleeved button up shirt with a pair of dark jeans fitted comfortably around his waist with a belt. A dirty apron worn over all this.
He gave a tired sigh escaped his pale pink lips, sweeping his fore arm over his brow, wiping perspiration away. Glancing up at the clock mounted on the far wall, the young man groaned out loud, realizing that his shift was only half over. It had been a very slow night, only a few customers, and they had all left to their rooms already. Tanner silently wished that no customers would come that night so that he could leave earlier.
Of course, as soon as he’d made his wish, the doors burst open and the goose bumps rose up the young man’s arms as the wild wind blew in with the guest. The stranger was tall, but, hidden under a large black cloak. Tanner guessed it would be another grizzly, old man… like most of the guests here.
As the stranger approached the counter, taking his seat, Tanner learned his guess had been correct. The stranger lowered the hood of his cloak, then returned his arm back to the safety inside his long, heavy covering. The man’s hair was bright white with specks of silver, and his face was half covered by a bushy white beard that matched his hair, but when he turned to face Tanner, he realized there was something more to the old man. His gray eyes weren’t hard and mean like that of a drunk, but, friendly, compassionate…but also, like he was hiding something. It was like he was teasing Tanner, as if saying “I know something that you don’t!” This intrigued the young man.
“Can I help you?” Tanner finally voiced, stepping closer to the man, a small smile forming on his lips. “Get you something? A drink, perhaps?”
“Yes, milk” the stranger answered in a gruff, but kind voice. Tanner’s eyes widen, his mouth hanging agape. He wasn’t sure why the answer had startled him so, only that it was the strangest thing to ask for at a bar. “What? Are you def, I asked for milk.”
Tanner shook his head, as if shaking off his trance.
“Uh, yes, sir. Right away, sir,” he answered, running quickly to get the man’s order.
He set a tall glass down, filling it with fresh, cold milk, then slid it over to the man at he end of the counter. The stranger again removed his hand from it’s hiding place and dipped his index finger into it, frowning.
“It’s too cold, it needs to be warm,” he complained in his rough voice. He slid it back to the once again stunned Tanner. “Warm it up, but make sure it’s not scalding hot.”
Tanner nodded, dumbfounded, and returned to the man a glass of warmed milk.
“Do you have a clean rag I could use?” the man asked.
“A rag? What for?” Tanner replied.
“DAMN IT! Do you or do you not!?” the man cried, his face growing red with anger. “I need a rag, so I asked for one!”
Tanner nearly jumped out of his skin as he ran to retrieve a clean cloth for him. He returned moments later, handing the clean cloth, shaking a bit.
The stranger swept the cloth out of his hand, but, before he continued, he glared up at Tanner. “Are you trust worthy?”
“Uh… yes sir…” Tanner said, nodding, not knowing how else to answer. The stranger stared at him for a second, before he seemed satisfied and nodded. He carefully began to remove his cloak, revealing his hidden arms. Tanner half expected to see a weapon of some sort in his hands, ready to use, but, what he saw made his eyes grow wide with shock. Set in the crock of the stranger’s arms was a tiny baby, no older than a few days. Tanner had never seen anything so small in his life.
He watched in awe as the man dipped the cloth in the warm milk and left the baby suck on his fingers. Soon, half the glass had been drank and the baby had fallen asleep.
“She’s a pretty thing, aint’ she?” asked the stranger. Tanner nodded. It was true. The baby had a full head of light brown hair and rosy cheeks. “Now boy, this baby isn’t just any old baby. She’s something special.”
“What do you mean?” Tanner asked, not breaking his gaze from the baby, not even for a second.
“She’s going to find something very special to me some day, and that means she’s going to need the best caring that any child could get.”
“So, are you going you raise her?” the young bar tender gasped, shocked that this grizzly man could ever do something so important.
“Yes, but I’m going to need help” the man replied, grinning. A sneaky expression took over his face. “And I’m going to need your help.”


I may add more later, not sure. Depends on how many people actually are interested in reading more.

A reserve post in case I add more later.

Another reserve post for later.

Okay, now comments can be made.

IT's GOOD! BEAUTIFUL! and really descriptive! ((likes the guy *^*))

corrections: Ehm.. -shrugs- bartender is one word. not "bar tender."
and that's it i guess! :0

First Post-ithink! x)

I'm glad you put it up Clair.
I can't wait to read more.

Thanks, Tsuki, I just realized that, actually.
I make a lot of mistakes. x]

Thanks, Lolly.

x) It's really good! *^* -where's mine?...goes off to look for her old storyline-

Ok.... I'll just list things as I find them....

first paragraph:
-"It’s voice heard, through the creaks, and moans of the rafters over head, by" this sentence actually works just fine... I just wanted to suggest maybe adding one or two words to make it seem less... abstract, maybe? such as:
It's voice was heard; It's voice could be heard - something along that line...

second paragraph:
- "" He gave a tired sigh escaped his pale pink lips" umm, if it were me, I'd go with the second part of this... A tired sigh escaped is pale, pink lips.... and just drop the "He gave" part.
same paragraph, next sentence: "whipping".... I know what you were trying to type here, and I think you may have meant "wiping"

near the end of the dialog:
- “She’s going to find something very special to me some day"
umm... I'm sure you can see that this doesn't quite flow like it should.... it would work if it were written as "bring something special to me" or "find something special for me" ....


that's really all I see that would strike me as needing work. I think you have a really great opening to the characters and the plot right there. I'm already interested in finding out what's going on, and what's going to happen.

Thanks a lot, Jade.
Means a lot to me! <33

No problem! ... I just hope I didn't come off as too much of a grammar nazi! :gonk: :lol:

Nah, it's okay.
I know that I'm not the best grammar. x3

Ahhh... wow Clair! I love this. I really do hope you continue it because the Gruffly man seems to be a bit shady... and Tanner is just like sucked into this situation... XD

And basically Jade caught all the grammatical errors that I was going to point out... but its natural to have grammar errors.. thats why we always revise our works.. ^^ *huggles*

Thanks, Esme! <33

Omg it's so detailed.....you must write more!
I love the plot line so far :O chalk me up as another fan love.

Thanks, Two. ^w^
I guess... I have some fans. O.O

*flails* hell yes *huggles*

That's nice!

Lets see you have 5 fans so far.
Which in this forum is really good since it is so slow in here.
See people do like it Clair Bear

Originally Posted by Clair Voyant

A bitter, ice-cold wind blew angrily at the walls of the tavern, as if determined to knock the only shelter for miles away. It’s voice heard, through the creaks, and moans of the rafters over head, by Tanner, the young bar tender. Busy, behind the counter, trying to clean the sticky spots of spilled liquor off the glossy, wooden surface, the young man ignored the wind’s cries.

• knock down
• Its voice was heard
• overhead
• bartender
• Bolded commas unneeded

Originally Posted by Clair Voyant

He was a handsome young man of sixteen or seventeen, with pale skin, a thick mop of auburn curls and crystal blue eyes set under long eye lashes. Tall, with a slender build, he wore a plain, short-sleeved button up shirt with a pair of dark jeans fitted comfortably around his waist with a belt. A dirty apron worn over all this.

• apron was worn

Originally Posted by Clair Voyant

He gave a tired sigh escaped his pale pink lips, sweeping his fore arm over his brow, wiping perspiration away. Glancing up at the clock mounted on the far wall, the young man groaned out loud, realizing that his shift was only half over. It had been a very slow night, only a few customers, and they had all left to their rooms already. Tanner silently wished that no customers would come that night so that he could leave earlier.

• a tired sigh which escaped
• forearm

Hope that helps. I gotta go soon, so I'll probably read the rest of it later.