how do you deal with room mates who refuse to do their dishes, refuse to clean up after themselves and refuse to respect you as an individual? they make up lies and blatantly insult me because im happily taken and i have a future ahead of me that is promising.

a few weeks ago i got into a yelling match with on my my house mates because my cat knocked over pizza boxes that were on the kitchen from an event that me and another house mate held in our house. not a party, just a get together for a club i run. so he rips off a piece of his door frame and marches up the stairs threatening me with this large piece of wood complete with rusted nails. he says that i keep him up till 5 in the morning, i got to bed at 10 every night. Another house mate that he is friends with comes home at 3 in the morning and makes dinner loudly in the kitchen next to his bedroom. he says i am corrupting our house mate against him, she has free will to choose to do as she will. he says i used him to play video games, i played once or twice and he rudely told me his PS2 was broken so i couldnt play a game even though it wasnt true. Also, i would go into his room and watch him play, asking politely first and not making him change games so i could play at all. also, i invited him out to do things and he refuses and i offer to cook meals for him and he refuses. Oh and another thing, his best friend told me to my face that he makes him do his dishes and cook for him. yet im the user right?

i am in a lease in this house till the end of april and cannot change that. does anyone have any advice they can give me to help ease the tension in the house?

My roommate is better than most, but she can still be a pain in the butt.

I'm a freshman in college who came from a private high school, so I know my way around books and studies pretty well. I do my homework, I go to class, I read books for my many English classes, I practice scenes for theatre. When I'm not doing homework, I'm usually playing WoW, writing, drawing, or just generally hanging out. At nights, I'm not here at all--I go to the basement and hang out with friends from the late evening into a few hours into the morning, and then I go to bed and repeat.

My roommate is my polar opposite. Literally--her side of the room is pink and white, has posters of flowers and the Notebook, and she reads Twilight every night. My side of the room has black and white (not to be confused with gothic), posters of Slash, the Killers, and ninjas, a collection of rubber duckies everywhere in the room, and an array of glow-in-the-dark moons and stars all over the wall. My roommate and I don't clash much--we're both really easygoing people, so we never really fight--but temperament-wise, we are opposites... she cleans the floor constantly (and nothing else), doesn't do homework ("I went to a crappy high school where I didn't have to do any work and got salutatorian" is her excuse), takes a nap a day for 3-4 hours each (no lie, she is sleeping right now behind me), and then fights with her overly possessive boyfriend back home on her phone every night. She doesn't know how to balance her time between homework and fun, complains about everything, skips her classes, goes partying every weekend, and drives drunk.

Polar opposites.

It sounds like he's being deliberately hurtful. Try to stay out of the house as much as possible, and maybe even incur fines for annoyance. That could backfire, so I'd be careful. You could also tell them that they need to be respectful as this is both of your guys' space, and see if you can set down some ground rules together.
DON'T stoop to his level. See if you can find compromises. It's tough, but maybe you can work it out. (Sorry, that's all I can think of)

Can't you ask the owner of the house to throw him out? The guy vandalized a doorframe, threatened his housemates with the piece with rusty nails in it, and deliberately fucks up the whole atmosphere in the house. I'd have him removed from that place as soon as possible. Maybe you can ask your other housemate to back you up when you go to complain.

I'm sorry for you that this guy is behaving like an ass. I hope his misbehaviour isn't affecting your own life too much. :/

thank you for your advice and sharing your stories. i have emailed the landlord about it and she just told me we have to apologize and be friends.

i try to spend as much time as possible at my boyfriends place. his family has been very understanding about the whole mess. but its exam week. and no one is doing their dishes, no one is vacuuming and no one is taking care of the house. i tried house meetings to get everyone together and clean the house as a team, even tried separately with different people on different days, but nothing works.

ill try asking the landlord if she can remove him, but that's kinda low don't you think? and he could lash out on my kitten, he isn't even 6 months old. he doesn't deserve this. already my housemates have been leaving the door open so he can run into the streets and be killed. i don't know what i can do to make this situation better, but i appreciate all advice. i figure if i ask masses of people maybe with minds united we can come up with a solution. there has to be one, i refuse to believe there isn't one.

Maybe you could try asking your boyfriend if your kitten can stay at his house? I'm sure he'll understand when you explain that the people in the house are always leaving the door open and such.

I don't think it's low to have someone who is clearly a nuisance to everyone removed (unless there are more people in the house who actually appreciate him). After all, you're in that house because you're a student. You're supposed to be in a relaxed environment where you can study. If there's someone being an ass and getting in the way of that by having you clean up after him, he has to go.
... And I think it's much, MUCH lower to threaten someone with a wooden plank with rusty nails sticking out.

well my boyfriend lives with his family and they don't really like cats. see they had a cat and they think that taking care of mine is somewhat disrespectful to the other cat... who still lives there... even though she is dead... it is very complicated.

anyways, he is a nuisance to everyone, but he isn't the one making the mess. its another house mate who is. and he just blames me for it because he likes her more then me and it is easier to hate me, because lots of people do and i don't particularly care. He is also mentally retarded, has documentation for it and everything. He can't live alone and doesnt have enough friends to find a place to live temporarily. He also doesn't have a girlfriend to crash with so its very unfair of me to send him packing. Although no matter what i do i doubt it can be lower then threatening me with a piece of a door frame.

I just put on my music and ignore him as of right now. I can study to anything and I need music to have associations to when I'm studying so it works out. Plus I live upstairs. It's just awkward when I want to eat or talk to the only roommate I get along with. And everyday he either posts something on facebook or says something just loud enough for us to over hear it and make us mad.

The real problem is that because he has gameing systems, everyone in the house wants to be on his side even when he doesnt make any sense and is clearly just lashing out at me. I am with one house mate, he has the two others. Me and the one person on my side are small fragile women, he has himself over 6 feet tall the other male again over 6 feet and a girl who is the same height as me but twice my weight. They can all take us on and we would just get beat up should it come to that. Which frankly might make it all better because I dont think i could stop myself from laughing the entire time at the ridiculousness of it. physical blows over dishes and pizza boxes. It's too much.

Gosh.
:o
That's horrible.
Stay out of the house as long as possible, if he threatens you again, call the cops.
Like other people said, talk to the landlord.
I mean, it's not low of you to do so, the guy's the one that's being low.
He ruined property, that should be a good enough reason to at least bring up the subject of kicking him out.
Once your lease is up, I'd get the heck out of there.
.___.;

I have already talked to the landlord though. She said that we have to apologize and be friends again. she won't do anything.

and I'm not going to call the police because he didn't actually usher a threat, so he technically did nothing wrong. although there are witnesses in my favour that doesn't count for much. It takes so long for the police to come and do nothing about it, and really the police should be doing other more important things like fighting drugs and gangs and and stop people from killing other people. Hell I would settle for giving drunken people a hard time! The police here are so lazy!!!! also calling the police would make things worse, especially if they don't remove him, which they wont. there are too many bi-laws here protecting leasee's from eviction. even given an eviction notice the leasee can still live in the house for months at no end.

I'm trying to make things better until the end of April. He cannot be removed and I cannot leave. I need solutions, not escapes. please?

Don't get me wrong, I appreciate the help, but I really need to find a way to live in this house with people who hate each other in a safe and relaxing way. As it is, no one is cleaning, the dishes are getting done by my house mate's best friend who came to visit for the week, and the garbage only goes out when I do it. The floor is so dirty that I am about a day or two from doing it myself. It hasn't been washed or swept in over two weeks! there are 5 people in this house. It is unacceptable.

There has to be a safe, non confrontational way to get everyone in the house to keep the house at a sensible level of clean. this would ease tension and help people to ignore other people without aggravating them.

I hate to say this (because this is probably horrible advise XD), but maybe you should just take care of your stuff.
Like, only wash your dishes, only take out your garbage...
If the other people want to live like slobs, then let them do it. You'll be the clean & healthy one. *shrugs*

Originally Posted by RaytheDragon

I hate to say this (because this is probably horrible advise XD), but maybe you should just take care of your stuff.
Like, only wash your dishes, only take out your garbage...
If the other people want to live like slobs, then let them do it. You'll be the clean & healthy one. *shrugs*

not bad advice at all, in fact that's what people close to me have been saying. the problem is the floors and the walls, the stove and the fridges. they are all filthy messes and haven't been cleaned in more then two weeks. and am i just supposed to take out everyone's garbage every week? honestly, our house is more filthy then you realize. i spent a whole day with a room mate just cleaning the lounge a month back, within one hour of us completing it there were lychie fruit wrappings everywhere and an egg shell with egg left in it on the couch. honestly i live with people who are being disgusting just so they can get me to clean up after them and when i wouldnt and told them to clean up after themselves they lash out at me in any way they can. including manipulating someone to revolt and threaten me.

I just cant see that working for a few months. it hasn't even been working for a few weeks, since we started doing that two weeks ago, hence the floor not being cleaned. or the toilets for that matter.

I would have to agree with RaytheDragon. Only do your dishes, make a trashcan for yourself or get a small one and take it out every day, clean the stove and fridges whenever you can (this really can't be avoided). You are not their mother and are not responsible for cleaning up their messes.

Should the man that threatened you before do it again, I really recommend telling someone about it. I don't know what his mental illness entails but if he has already threatened you with a broken door frame with a rusty nail in it he won't hesitate doing it again. I don't personally know the guy so I can't judge his character but from his actions take care of your safety before your living arrangements.

Possibly look into a place you can temporarily live until the end of the school year. There may be rental issues where if you are threatened by a housemate you can get out of part of a lease. Find someone who knows rental laws and discuss your problems with them, your housemates don't need to know about it.

Good luck and please take care of yourself.

Do you have a lock on your door and a bit of extra space in your room? If so, you could buy a mini-fridge (or ask your parents to give you one for Christmas or something), put it in your room and lock your door at all times. There's not really a way to get around cleaning the bathroom and stoves (unless you want to cook on a camping gas stove) but this way you'll be able to store YOUR food in YOUR clean, healthy fridge. If the nice housemate is a clean person you can offer to store her food in your fridge too, but the rest of the house has no business with it.

That's what I would do anyway. I cannot stand filthy fridges. D:

I have to agree with the people who are telling you to only clean up after yourself and maybe try to keep your food and things in your room. If there is a particular bathroom you use most often, just clean that one and only use that one. Unfortunately, you do need to have a clean cooking surface so, you'll have to clean the stove and countertops too but, maybe once the roommates figure out you mean business, they will start pitching in. It seems that most of them know that you'll get sick of it and clean the mess yourself so, they just leave it for you. As for the guy who threatened you, I don't know where you are but, it is against the law in all states, I believe, to threaten someone like that and you really should have called the police. Did you inform your landlord about the damage he did to the house? I'm sure if she knew, she would take steps to evict him. Good luck with your living situation, I hope it gets better for you.

thank you everyone.

I have too much food to keep it in my bar fridge. Its the smallest size you can possibly get. I cant even keep juice in my fridge, so the fridge issue is a constant. However, I am going to start pulling all my dishes into my room and ignore their dishes as best I can. there is only one bathroom upstairs and I use it and never use the downstairs one, but the upstairs one everyone uses because its the one with the shower. But I will clean up after myself and just ignore all other mess, or at least try to. It seems to be the best, and maybe only, option I have. My room is unfortunately the smallest in the house, so there isn't room for my cat to live in here too.

Oh, and Yeah, I live in southern Ontario, in Canada. here, he has to actually utter a threat, which he didn't, actually hurt me, which he didn't, or I have to at the very least feel like my life is in danger, which I don't because if he were to even scratch me I would throw everything i have at him, including my Athema (its a ritual dagger). Although then I would have to bury it and get a new one because that's contamination of a holy blade.

and ever had he done that, the police wouldn't remove him that day or even that month. The processes that everyone would have to go through takes way too long to actually be of any use. It would just end his life and would be me taking a vengeful stab at him permanently.

so i will try this for a while and let everyone know how it works out. If anyone has a better plan please share it with me. I can use all the help and advice you can give.

That is just a fucked-up situation.

I would say find somewhere where you can stay until your lease is up. Or find out if you can buy out of your lease. You as a person do not need to be in that type of situation where someone rips shit off the door to physically (not verbally) threaten you.

To me, anyone who points an object at me in that described situation is threatening me with that object.

I am going to say this as simply as I can and tell you from my own personal experiences in life based on what I have read so far in this thread. First of all, anyone that has violent outbursts and verbally threatens someone else is an abuser. Its called emotional abuse. It only becomes physical abuse when the person actually assaults someone. And THAT my dear is not acceptable in any situation. Please trust me on that one. I am a survivor of domestic violence. I am not going to paint this picture lightly.

Also, I will have to agree with the others in that you need to stop doing everyone else's dirty work. In doing this, you are enabling their dependency on you to take care of what is their own responsibilities. You are NOT their mother and you sure the hell are NOT their maid. So unless they start paying you for your cleaning services, I would stop immediately and let them waddle in their own filth. You take care of you and your things and please get the hell out of that situation ASAP.

I only say this because you are now my friend here (thanks again for the add) and I already feel a connection with you. I am concerned about you girl. Now you be strong and do what you know is right ;)

Originally Posted by Mysteria

I am going to say this as simply as I can and tell you from my own personal experiences in life based on what I have read so far in this thread. First of all, anyone that has violent outbursts and verbally threatens someone else is an abuser. Its called emotional abuse. It only becomes physical abuse when the person actually assaults someone. And THAT my dear is not acceptable in any situation. Please trust me on that one. I am a survivor of domestic violence. I am not going to paint this picture lightly.

Also, I will have to agree with the others in that you need to stop doing everyone else's dirty work. In doing this, you are enabling their dependency on you to take care of what is their own responsibilities. You are NOT their mother and you sure the hell are NOT their maid. So unless they start paying you for your cleaning services, I would stop immediately and let them waddle in their own filth. You take care of you and your things and please get the hell out of that situation ASAP.

I only say this because you are now my friend here (thanks again for the add) and I already feel a connection with you. I am concerned about you girl. Now you be strong and do what you know is right ;)

first of all *hugs* thank you. i don't think this situation is domestic violance, because i am very aware of it for the same reasons. which is why i know my life is not in danger.

I don't, however, know how long I can go without cleaning the floor and the bathrooms. they are so gross its not easy to ignore. but i am going to try and treat it like it was a job that I can't quite from till April and I'm going to try and be... like the back of a duck... let everything just slide off not affecting me at all.

and now i have an exam to write... lol.

First of all... if he threatens you again.... call the cops. Get a restraining order and get all of your stuff out of that place asap. Find a friend or someone else to live with in the interm. This guy doesn't seem as if he's balanced properly. You seem like someone who's like me and does their best to create peace among all parties present. What you have to realize is that some people just don't want everyone to be happy because they themselves are miserable. You said that the police need to be doing more important things like helping keep people from killing other people. Um...rusty nails in body fluids=tetuns... which is really bad. And if he hit you enough times with it... he could easily kill you. This guy is unhinged. And if he's letting his temper get the better of him, then he can't be trusted. Espically not if he's ripping doors off their hinges and threatening roommates with it. I know you said you can't get out of the lease... but the law will protect you. Regardless of if you're in a lease or not.

For now... sit down and talk to them. Be forceful with your words. Don't say "I would like." Say "I NEED". Explain how important it is that the place be kept clean for everyone's health. Tell them that you're tired of being treated like less than human and you're going to do something about it if they keep treating you like that. Make sure they listen. Starting a "let them clean it themself" war isn't going to solve anything. I know because messy people often tend not to care if they live in filth or not. There's this guy I went to highschool with who's room was so messy he had rats living in there eating off the boxes of 2 week old Pizza he had in there... Don't go down that road...! It will only lead to you getting sick because the place will be that messy.

As far as the kitten is concerned. Keep her in your room. Get a lock if you have to. If you don't have room ask your boyfriend's family to take some of your stuff so you can make room (or just get a storage shed). Keep her litter box and food and water there that way they can't let her out. I know she's not going to be very happy but it's only until you get a chance to move out and you NEED to move out as soon as this lease is over. You really need to protect her and the only way to do that is to provide a sanctuary for her. The only place in that house that's completely yours is your room.

I agree with the others. TELL the LANDLORD about the DAMAGE. Now if he's a crappy landlord all he'll do is just add it to your rent and repair it himself. But if he's a good landlord then he'll have a nice sit down talk to his tenant about WHY they shouldn't be ripping the doors of their hinges. I can't believe this roommate you're telling me about. He sounds crazy and stupid and that's a dangerous combination. GET OUT AS SOON AS YOU CAN!

how many house mates do you have? And how many of them do you have problems with? Do the ones you don't have problems with also have problems with the same ones you do? (i dunno, you made it sound in your description that you had 3-ish housemates.) It sounds like maybe you all need to sit down and make a lit of all of the problems you have with eachother and brainstorm about how they can be fixed, in a friendly way, as hard as that sounds. Even though these people sound awful and it's completely wrong of that one guy to threaten you with a piece of wood with nails sticking out, but the problem should still be dealt with calmly, otherwise it might just get worse. Because if you can't get out of there, you have to find some way to deal with your awful housemates until april when your lease is over.
And I have to agree with what some people have said. You shouldn't be cleaning up after everyone else. That just makes them lazier because they start thinking automatically that you'll eventually clean it up. I had a roommate once who left moldy yogurt on the counter for 2 weeks and never cleaned it up, even though i asked her to, and basically always acted like she was living there by herself, never asking if something was ok with me. You need to maintain communication about cleanliness and stuff like that, somehow.

in responce to feyonasaibre

so you dont think that the leave it alone plot will hold out? and that i will still just end up doing everything? or get sick? wow.... that pizza box story is some crazy shit. i dont want that in my house.

ill try to keep my kitten in my room as best i can. he really really wont like that. and he has this cute meow... anyways.... thats a good plan though. that way even if they do leave the door wide open, he will be alright. it might be hard for him to deal with, but this way he doesnt die. thank you for the advice.

ill try the sit down but i doubt it will make thngs better since we have had sit downs and no one listens. they do for a week or two and then its back to the same old mess it always was. thats the issue. ive tried sheduals and even different kinds of sheduals and it doesnt work. thats why people were saying just clean up after yourself. so yeah... we shall see come the new year.

worst comes to worst, only till the end of april.

in responce to Liath:

i live in a house with 4 other people. two boys and two girls. one girl i can llive with, she is clean and nice and loves metal like i do. shes more into prog and im more all over the place, but it works out. the rest of them are dirty and passive aggressive. i tell them to clean up after themselves and they dont simply because i told them to. Every time i talk to these people they just do shit to piss me off. honestly, ive reasoned it out with the one roommate i like and the other girl brain washed the guy who attacked me to think that everythign she was doing, she told him and convinced him that it was all my fault. honestly. its just ridiculas. i try to be honest and open minded, i try to understand where they are coming from and they dont do the same for me. thats why im more inclined to follow the advice of the people who say to just keep to myself. for 4 months we tried to work out a solution and nothing works. then this attack and now nothing. nothing. they dont even care....

you know what? im honestly tired of ranting about it. im tired of no solutions, im tired of people using me and treating me like shit. i just want out and thats what im going to do. i just have to be patient thats all. and wait till april.

Originally Posted by bloodstainedwings

i live in a house with 4 other people. two boys and two girls. one girl i can llive with, she is clean and nice and loves metal like i do. shes more into prog and im more all over the place, but it works out. the rest of them are dirty and passive aggressive. i tell them to clean up after themselves and they dont simply because i told them to. Every time i talk to these people they just do shit to piss me off. honestly, ive reasoned it out with the one roommate i like and the other girl brain washed the guy who attacked me to think that everythign she was doing, she told him and convinced him that it was all my fault. honestly. its just ridiculas. i try to be honest and open minded, i try to understand where they are coming from and they dont do the same for me. thats why im more inclined to follow the advice of the people who say to just keep to myself. for 4 months we tried to work out a solution and nothing works. then this attack and now nothing. nothing. they dont even care....

you know what? im honestly tired of ranting about it. im tired of no solutions, im tired of people using me and treating me like shit. i just want out and thats what im going to do. i just have to be patient thats all. and wait till april.

have you and the girl you get along with tried together to make everyone sit down and talk things out and make a list of all of the problems? Perhaps make the other girl a mediator, if the main problem the rest of them have is with you. But if you've done that and it hasn't worked and the guy who threatened you is being brainwashed into thinking everything's your fault, then you really do need to get out. Maybe spend the night with friends or something for a week, and let your roommates see that the messes they see as your fault can't be your fault 'cuz you're not there to make them. Maybe that won't work though if you're 5 people living in the same place and things would get pretty hectic all the time and they won't notice your absence. You could try that, though. That way you could at least say "but that's not my fault. I wasn't even here."

It's called Police Action.

in responce to Liath:

you know what? I should do that! Early january when everyone is home i'll spend a week with my boyfriend and then they can see its not my mess. Then we can have a talk and they will know whats going on is not my fault and they they need to address their own mess for the betterment of themselves. Maybe if they see its their mess they would be more inclined to actually talk and clean up after themselves right? As opposed to just getting mad and blaming me and then not cleaning jut to piss me off.

in responce to justin:
its called the police in guelph suck and wouldnt be able to help me anyways. he has rights as much as i do and even though i have a witness it would take years to be actually processed. it would probably settle out of court long before that in the fact that in april i leave and thats the end of the story. so... telling the police will do nothing but make it worse for me for the remainder of the months i am there. so no thank you.