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Faded Beauty
Imaginary Friend
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04-25-2009, 03:21 AM
Okay to start this off I would just like to say. I occasionally write poems fitting to the moods I am in during creation. I am a writer on many sites, if it sounds familiar that's probably why, but these are created by me.
Constructive criticism is welcome, however I would like to know why you didn't like it or why you loved it. You don't need a paragraph to describe how you felt but it does earn you more gold. =3
~ First Poem Titled:
"Worthwhile"
I never wanted to be alone
I just wanted to be with you
But you just looked right at me
and saw straight through
We talked and we joked
and shared each others kisses
but deep inside, I'll was falling into pieces
Silent screams replay in my head
You may not hear them
But there are things unsaid
Talk to me, share with me
Act like you care
Instead of just staring at me
with that unknown glare
I care about you deeply
and you know that's true
That no matter what happens
I'll always be there for you
You're distant cause of him
and won't let me help
you act like your the only one
who's heart had felt
Please let me in
Let me give you a smile
and I'll help you remember...
That love can be worthwhile
~ Second Poem Titled:
: Being Re-written. :
~ Third Poem Titled:
"Live Again"
Inner demons hiss at the dead
Never a word is spoken or said
A broken heart beats in shreds
With a razor blade words embed
ones that could have never been spoken and said
From out of the shadows his arms wrapped around
She sat in the dark dumbfound
Icy cold claws traced behind her ear
as a voice whispered deeply "No need to fear."
She fell softly into its charm
as the creature lifted her forearm
He drained her of her pain
and left her to regain
Her newly rebuilt heart
she saved for her unknown sweetheart
The man who saved her from the pain
Helping her live again
Well there they are, my three poems from o8. Though the times I felt so much I needed to place them else where. I will try to keep this updated with my new poems I write, but since I'm better with stories wish me luck. :)
Last edited by Faded Beauty; 05-09-2009 at 01:58 AM..
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Kah Hilzin-Ec
The little creep with the weird ...
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04-25-2009, 09:11 AM
The first poem looks well done :) It called my atention that 4 lines - 3 lines - 3 lines - 4 lines. I don't see many people venturing into that format and doing well :P Only thing I don't like much would be that it doesn't use many elaborated words I guess. The only word that jumps to me is the last one ["worthwhile"], and it's a theme that... seems kind of overdone. It's just the opinion of a romance-deprived being xD
I'm not an expert in poems [especially if it's not even my language hehe] but I feel like there's an overload of phrases ending in "you" in the poem "Tattoo", four in the first two... quartets they're called right? It makes the introduction a bit repetitive.
Quote:
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but you was just pretending.
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You missed the "were" or did you do it on intention?
Either way, I like the concept. In most poems I see words like "scars" and "wounds" [or a synonym] for what you described as a tattoo, which not only I find original, but more appropiate.
I love♥ the third poem. It's the kind of poem that works in so many levels. It could be used as a metaphor in situations with "improving with help" as their common denominator. I like the originality too. The concept of an apparently hideous creature would normally result in some harm from it... not in this poem, where looks fool the eye, and the creature sucks, sucks the pain that stops her from living again. Wonderful.
Shall the muses whisper inspirational words in you ear :)
Last edited by Kah Hilzin-Ec; 04-25-2009 at 09:14 AM..
Reason: Ridiculous use of words
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ghostPastry
👻🍰
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04-25-2009, 08:52 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Faded Beauty
My heart brakes,
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In this case, "brakes" is spelled "br eaks" :)
I really like the first poem, but the second stanza confused me. The rest of the poem made it seem like the object of your affections didn't even notice you, but this stanza made it seem like he loved you back.
The second poem was pretty good, but it could be better developed. Like, if you made the dark tattoo on your heart the focus of your poem, and why it's there more in-depth.
The third one was a bit muddled for me, but I like it! It has a strong fantasy feel to it, and it's a bit different than your other ones, so: kudos! :insane:
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Faded Beauty
Imaginary Friend
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04-26-2009, 12:22 AM
~ Kah: Ah, yeah the first poem was written when the person I was trying to have a romantic relationship with. They were just, too distant and became the inspiration for that poem. I never been good with poems, so I thought I would try something new. Though I'm pleased to know it came out good. =3
- Yeah I think their called quartets, but when I was thinking of the emotions. "You" was all I could think to fit. As you can see I'm not good with English with the double word posting and the "were, was". I'm use to writing in a different language that its hard to translates sometimes, but my English is improving.
I'll go change that though, thank you for pointing it out. =3
In a way all the pain from your pass relationships do leave scars, but you see. Scars fade and wounds heal, as do some tattoos fade but not too much. However some pain will never like a tattoo and that is how I got to that. I'm glad it works, I felt funny calling it that. =3
- Lol, that was what I was going for. I never really liked how writer's make mythical creatures the same. Like vampires all romantic but lust blood, then they leave them to die. Like all races, every being is different and unique. Not all are evil, romantic or rich, but this was originally written for my first fan to my vampire novels as a thank you to her for being a loyal fan. :)
- Thank you, I could use them. :)
~ Brian: Oh, I'll fix that, thank you for pointing that out. =3
Yeah, that was hard. See she told me she cared for me but never showed it in her face or with actions. Her ex hurt her in such a way she didn't even try til we split up.
- I see, I'll keep that in mind when I rewrite it. I wasn't very pleased with how the second turned out either, but now I know how to improve it. Thank you. =3
- Lol, yeah the third poem was different, I wrote that for a girl who is a big fan of my vampire novels. She was my first fan, so I wrote that to thank her.
~ Thank you both for your opinions on my poems and the suggestions. The helped greatly =3
Last edited by Faded Beauty; 04-26-2009 at 12:26 AM..
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