This is, in a lot of ways, a first for me. If anything, A Love Story was an experimental piece. I've never really written anything in first person, or really much of anything to do with romance, and I've never written a short story before. It's kind of an entertaining sort of delve into the styles of writing I'd never tried before. I just figured you guys could take a look and tell me what you thought! I hope you enjoy!


“Come on!”

I laughed, running down the pathway. My bare feet pounded packed earth, following a trail I had been down a million times before. I could hear his slow, pensive walk behind me, but didn’t care. The fact that he followed me was enough.

I skidded to a halt at the end of the pathway, panting for breath and standing triumphantly. I was certain he would be there any second, and sure enough before I knew it that familiar figure trudged the last turn to face me once more. He may have had a small scowl on his face, but I could see the happiness reflected in his blue-grey eyes. I always knew what he was thinking.

“So…this is what you wanted to show me?” He mused in his deep voice, scratching his unruly mop of dirty blonde hair.

I giggled a little, hardly able to conceal my excitement. “Yep!” My arms were tucked behind my back and I was on my tip toes, a big toothy grin revealing white teeth that stood starkly against tanned skin. His skin was as pale as a ghost when compared to mine, but then again he never left the house without me making him. Oh well.

He surveyed the scenery with a scrupulous eye, obviously the artist in him gauging every detail. He stroked his large, clunky camera carefully. “It’s very nice.” He put simply.

Nice seemed hardly enough to describe it for me. The large pond as clear as crystal, full of small fish, was cold as its water gently lapped at my feet, the warm sun caressing my skin and countering the chill. Surrounding this was forest, ancient trees covered in thick green vines and reaching as tall as ten people on all sides, such bright verdant colors that sparkled in the sunlight I could see him staring upwards at it. Around the water were little blue flowers. It was obvious somebody who had found this spot before me had planted them for the future to admire, and every time I came I did. In other words, this was my grove, my heaven.

He was taking pictures, that same look on his face as always, brows furrowed as he searched for the best shots he could in each ounce of the environment around him. I had to admit, it was amusing the way his lower lip poked out every time he got distracted with art, and certainly enjoyable the way he would begin to hum songs I had never heard of under his breath. It was so wonderful, so mind consuming, I felt like acting on a complete and total whim. So I did.

With a playful smirk I took off my shirt, revealing a sports-bra. I threw it at him right as he was about to take a picture, ruining what may have been something perfect and throwing a crimson blush onto his sallow cheeks. Any look of embarrassment for him went away, of course, the instant he stopped averting his eyes and saw my torso. I could see him darken, the usual faux frown on his face becoming more real than I felt comfortable with. Nervously I slipped in the general direction of the water, only to stop at the sound of his voice, far more cold and distant than before.

“Those are bruises.”

I felt every ounce of me stop dead, stunned that I had been so careless. Biting my lower lip, I tried to find an excuse for why. “Yes.” I just eventually said, quickly immersing myself in the liquid in the hopes that its distorting powers would keep his attention from the large purple, yellow and brown bruises that dotted nearly every ounce of my stomach. Apparently it didn’t.

“Who?”

I looked away to the pond I was now near the center and neck deep in, my focus placed in the tiny silver fish that seemed curious as to the new entity in their home. I didn’t want to answer. How could I? The rage in his eyes was like nothing I had seen before, and only one thought was running in my mind: Is he mad at me?

I heard the soft clack of something dropping onto the ground, followed by powerful hands gripping both of my arms. I still didn’t look, even though I knew it was him. “You’re hurting me…” I said, wincing at the powerful hold he had on me.

“Who, Lulu? Who did this to you?”

His grip only grew tighter, and tears ran down my cheeks. I wanted to tell him, but I couldn’t. There was a lump that grew in my throat, and I knew I was too upset to get even more than one word out without it being intermingled with sobs and gasps for breath. Still, he didn’t seem to give up. He let his grip soften and with one hand grabbed my chin, moving my head so I couldn’t avoid him. He looked so silly in the deep water fully clothed, and just out of place with his camera somewhere on the ground back where he had been standing. That explained the clack sound, at least.

It was so hard meeting his eyes. I would have turned away if he didn’t have his hand on my face forcing me to see him. All anger was gone from his face as quickly as it had been spurned, now it was genuine sadness. An expression I had never seen on his face before. I felt guilty. Guilty for causing him to soak his clothes to the bone, guilty for making him so worried.

“I don’t know.” I lied, trying so hard to pretend to be calmer than I was. “I was mugged coming home one day from school.”

“I don’t believe you.”

For some reason those words made me burst into tears. I felt like I couldn’t stand another second, couldn’t sit under his gaze trying to explain that it was no big deal. To me it was average. Everyday. And, because of me, now I had involved him in everything. Now he knew, and now everything was going to be ruined. Now my family would be torn apart. It was all my fault.

I could see him putting all the pieces together in his head. Why he was never able to come over to my house, why I never really spoke about it, so many things were working to explain exactly what happened. He wasn’t stupid, I knew it was only a matter of time before he figured it out. I just wished it could have been a little bit longer without it. Now he was going to hate me, I knew it. Nobody loved me when they learned I wasn’t who they thought I was. Every second of our friendship seemed to flash by, and my tears grew worse, white-hot. I didn’t want this to go. I couldn’t let him walk out on me. I wanted to find a way to prove I was still myself.

I must have looked like a pathetic child, and I knew if I wasn’t going to chase him away before now I was. This was it. He would be gone forever.

“It’s your dad, isn’t it?”

In between sobs I somehow found it in me to correct him. “Step-dad.” Even after twelve years I didn’t feel like he deserved to be my father. From the way he was shaking, I could tell he agreed with my opinion.

“Why…why didn’t you tell me?” I hadn’t realized until that point there were tears running down his own face. Startled, it shook me away from my own self-pitying to speak again.

“You…I just…” I couldn’t stand one more second there, feeling all alone in that cold water. I threw my arms around him. It was oddly soothing to feel his warmth on me. I was just happy he hadn’t shoved me into the water yet, screaming about how I probably deserved it and running off. “I didn’t want you to leave me. To…to not like me.”

My chin rested on his shoulder now, my grip so tight around him I could feel his discomfort. I couldn’t loosen, though. I needed to feel the contact of someone else. Someone who hadn’t run away yet. “I still don’t.”

A heavy sigh from the body in my embrace. I could feel every ounce of him tensed, still quivering with a mixture of sadness and anger. “I would never do that.” He promised, voice so level and calm it relaxed me.

He pulled away from my embrace, and for a second I thought his statement had been a lie. That he was going to run off into the woods and never see me again. My only real friend would be gone, and I would be alone. Just like before he came. Instead he wrapped his arm around my neck, and I felt compelled to meet him in the eyes once more, brown meeting grey.

“Lulu, I think I love you.”

“What?”

I didn’t mean to sound so disbelieving but, well, it seemed downright impossible. I backed a little so he was no longer touching me, looking at him with wide eyes. I didn’t know how to react, entirely. Eventually I decided it had to be a joke. He couldn’t be serious. I forced a giggle, which sounded almost sickening when combined with the sorrow that still laced my voice. He looked a little hurt, for a second, but once more he picked up the pieces of the puzzle and put them together very well. He could read me like a book.

“I’m being serious.”

All the fake laughter was abandoned and I simply stood a few inches from him, a blank stare on my face for many minutes. He looked more vulnerable than I had ever seen him, throwing himself out into the wind in the faint hopes I’d pick him out of the air and keep him safe. “Why?” I asked. Who could possibly fall in love with me? I was the scum of the earth.

He took another step forward, no longer standing in the deepest point in the pond. Now I looked half naked, red-faced from crying and soaked to the bone. At least he had seemed to already focus away from the bruises. He placed one of his hands - softer than I expected - on my face, tracing the outline of it slowly as he spoke, eyes all the while focusing on his fingers. I could tell it was to keep from choking up, but I would never tell him I knew.

“You’re beautiful, you’re funny…every day you’ve provided sunlight to my life. You’re the only one who understands me, the only one who takes my photography seriously, and the only one who ever stood by me when…” I could hear his voice choke up, the same lump in my throat now living in his. “when my mother died.

“I want to take you away from him. If he’s hurting you, I want you gone. I wouldn’t have told you how I feel if I couldn’t offer you an escape. Use me as your escape, Lulu.” He leaned close to me, a look of desperation on his face. “Use me. You can even leave me afterwards, find some other man you love more. I don’t expect you to love me like I do you, I just want to help you because - because you’re everything that means anything to me. There, I said it.”

He was so close to me I could feel his breath, which came rapidly as if he had just finished jogging a mile, our foreheads pressed together and him looking at me with a look that screamed please let me help. I don’t know where it came from, but something else seemed to take over in that instant. Eyes closing, I leaned myself forward and pressed my lips against his. I expected to be pushed away, or at least declined in some manner. Rather, he started to move his lips, and before I knew it we were in a kiss.

It was tender, sweet and lasted only a few seconds before we both retreated, but it was my first kiss nonetheless. A blush now stained my cheeks, still caked with the salt from tears. Speaking of tears, they had returned in abundance, adding small amounts of water to the pond underneath us.

He hugged me powerfully, and I did to him, too. I felt like I could do anything and he would be there to save me, I always had. How could I describe how I felt? I was still trying to when his grip strengthened just a little bit and his voice whispered in my ear. “He’ll never hurt you again. I promise.”

I believed it.

Hmm... It's kind of interesting at the end. Is that merely an expression of her trust, or a foreshadowing of what is to come? O__O;;;

I enjoyed reading this. It was sweet but not sappy; it was bittersweet in a way. One of the descriptions near the beginning could be changed to make it flow more smoothly, and there are a couple of words that mean something other than what I think you want them to mean (hope you understood that). But the plot and the characters seem well thought out to me.

=D Hooray! Thank you for a good read!

Thanks for all the compliments!

If you noticed any errors, there's a good chance that's because I don't edit my work before posting it places. I don't have anybody who is willing to be my editor (or feels they're good enough) and I cannot, under any circumstances, edit my own work. I've crossed out entire paragraphs - and sometimes pages! - of writing when I try, just because I can't feel good about my writing.

Any errors you could point out in detail with this are much appreciated! I want to know what I need to work on, y'see.

And thanks again!

i love that!
i think i almost cried, there in the middle part. XD

KEY:

MN=Mai Notes

-----------

“Come on!”

I laughed, running down the pathway. My bare feet pounded packed earth, following a trail I had been down a million times before. I could hear him walking slowly and pensively behind me (MN: this sounds better as now we know that she doesn't care that he's walking slowly; before it sounded like she just didn't care about his style of walking), but didn’t care. The fact that he followed me was enough.

I skidded to a halt at the end of the pathway, panting for breath, and stood there (MN: write in the tense of the story; in this case, past) triumphantly. I was certain he would be there any second, and sure enough, before (MN: comma=grammar, improves sentence structure)I knew it that familiar figure trudged the last turn to face me (MN: it has not been written that he had been facing her before this). He may have had a small scowl on his face, but I could see the happiness reflected in his blue-grey eyes. I always knew what he was thinking.

“So…this is what you wanted to show me?” He mused in his deep voice, scratching his unruly mop of dirty blonde hair.

I giggled a little, hardly able to conceal my excitement. “Yep!” My arms were tucked behind my back and I was on my tip toes, a big toothy grin revealing white teeth that stood out starkly (MN: "stood out" means that they're being compared against something else; just "stood starkly" sounds like they are in fact directly on the outside of the skin) against tanned skin. His skin was as pale as a ghost when compared to mine, but then again, he (MN: comma=sentence structure, sentence flow) never left the house without me making him. Oh well.

He surveyed the scenery with a scrupulous eye, the artist in him obviously gauging every detail (MN: sentence structure, makes the meaning of the sentence more clear, flows better). He stroked his large, clunky camera carefully. “It’s very nice.” He put it\stated simply (MN: I think this is what you meant).

Nice seemed hardly enough to describe it for me. The large pond was as clear as crystal and full of small fish. The cold water gently lapped at my feet, but the warm sun caressed my skin and countered the chill (MN: sentence structure changed. Now makes more sense to the reader). Surrounding the pond was forest, ancient trees covered in thick green vines and reaching as tall as ten people on all sides. Its bright, verdant colors sparkled in the sunlight, and I could see him staring upwards at it. (MN: see last note) Little blue flowers grew around the water (MN: see last note). It was obvious that (MN: sentence flows better)somebody who had found this spot before me had planted them for the future to admire, and that was what I did every time I came (MN: flows better, makes more sense to reader). In other words, this was my grove, my heaven.

He was taking pictures, that same look on his face, brows furrowed as he searched for the best shots he could find (MN: more clear to reader that he is searching; connects to "searched") in every inch\centimeter\etc. (MN: different units of measurement) of the environment around him. I had to admit, it was amusing the way his lower lip poked out every time he got distracted with art, and it was (MN: sentence flows better) certainly enjoyable the way he would begin to hum songs I had never heard of under his breath. It was so wonderful, so mind consuming, I felt like acting on a complete and total whim (Mai's Notes: what was wonderful? The scene? His song? His attention to art?). So I did.

With a playful smirk I took off my shirt, revealing a sports-bra. I threw it at him just (MN: "right" makes it sound like a directional term)as he was about to take a picture, ruining what may have been something perfect and bringing (MN: already used a tense of "throw")a crimson blush onto his sallow cheeks. Any look of embarrassment for him vanished (MN: "vanished"=sounds nicer. "Of course": why should the reader assume that the embarrassment vanishing was for granted\foreseen\etc.?)the instant he stopped averting his eyes and saw my torso. I could see his face darken (MN: "him darken"=his entire body darkened? Or his expression became angrier, furious, etc?), the usual faux frown on his face becoming more genuine (MN: makes more sense than "real"; "real"="that was real tasty soup")than I felt comfortable with. Nervously I slipped in the general direction of the water, only to stop at the sound of his voice, far more cold and distant than before.

“Those are bruises.”

I felt every ounce of me stop dead, stunned that I had been so careless. Biting my lower lip, I tried to find an excuse for why. “Yes.” I just eventually replied\murmured\muttered\etc. (MN: makes the sentence\paragraph flow more smoothly), quickly immersing myself in the liquid in the hopes that its distorting powers would keep his attention from the large purple, yellow and brown bruises that dotted nearly every inch\centimeter\etc. (MN: "ounce"=measurement of weight. "Inch"=measurement of distance) of my stomach. Apparently it didn’t.

“Who?”

I looked away; I was now neck deep in water, near the center of the pond (MN: previous sentence arrangement was very awkward, confusing, and didn't flow well at all). I focused on(MN: fits better with the previous sentence) the tiny silver fish that seemed curious as to what the new entity in their home was (MN: grammar). I didn’t want to answer. How could I? The rage in his eyes was like nothing I had ever (MN: grammar, flows better)seen before, and only one thought was running in my mind: Is he mad at me?

I heard the soft clack of something dropping onto the ground, followed by powerful hands gripping both of my arms. I still didn’t look, even though I knew it was him. “You’re hurting me…” I said, wincing at the powerful hold he had on me.

“Who, Lulu? Who did this to you?”

His grip only grew tighter, and tears ran down my cheeks. I wanted to tell him, but I couldn’t. There was a lump that grew in my throat, and I knew I was too upset to get even more than one word out without it being intermingled with sobs and gasps for breath. Still, he didn’t seem to give up. He let his grip soften and with one hand grabbed my chin, moving my head so I couldn’t avoid his gaze\eyes\etc. (MN: previous words made it sound like she was trying to avoid him bodily, not just avoid looking at him). He looked so silly, fully clothed in the deep water as he was (MN: flows better) and simply (MN: "just" makes it sound like his camera was just out of reach; not like he was looking strange) out of place without his camera, which was somewhere on the ground back where he had been standing (MN: makes more sense, is easier to grasp the meaning of the sentence more quickly). That explained the "clack"\clacking (MN: first choice indicates the actual sound; second indicates the sound had already been made. Flows better) sound, at least.

It was so hard meeting his eyes. I would have turned away if he had not had (MN: tenses of "have," which is already used in the sentence) his hand on my face forcing me to see him. All anger was gone from his face as quickly as it had been born\had come (MN: "spurn" means "to shun; to scorn", etc.), now there (MN: "it" indicates the anger has changed into a different emotion, but earlier it's said that the anger left. So since it's completely absent, it can't transform) was genuine sadness. It was an (MN: incomplete sentence sounds awkward here) expression I had never seen on his face before. I felt guilty. Guilty for causing him to soak his clothes to the bone, guilty for making him so worried.

“I don’t know.” I lied, trying so hard to pretend to be calmer than I was. “I was mugged coming home one day from school.”

“I don’t believe you.”

For some reason those words made me burst into tears. I felt like I couldn’t stand another second, couldn’t sit under his gaze trying to explain that it was no big deal. To me[B], the bruises were normal (MN: "it" as said before indicate the bruises as a general whole. "It" as stated now indicates an event, but the event in question has not been explained yet, and thus the "it" makes the sentence awkward and confusing). And, because of me, now I had involved him in everything. Now he knew, and now everything was going to be ruined. Now my family would be torn apart (MN: too many "now"s! Repetition in the bad sense. Prune some of them out, replace others with different words, etc). It was all my fault.

I could see him putting all the pieces together in his head. Why he was never able to come over to my house; why I never really spoke about the reasons for his non-existent visits (MN: write something to this effect. State clearly that there is a reason for his not being allowed to visit; otherwise you leave the reader confused and having to struggle to put the pieces together, when you're trying to easily lay them all out for them). So many things were working together (MN: makes the "working" bit much more clear when put together with the rest of the sentence) to explain exactly what had happened (MN: for your story, must be in past tense). He wasn’t stupid; (MN: semi-colon breaks up sentence. Comma of before made it run on, which was unnecessary and awkward) I knew it was only a matter of time before he figured it out. I just wished it could have been a little bit longer (MN: "without it" made no sense whatsoever). Now he was going to hate me, I knew it. Nobody loved me when they learned I wasn’t the person they thought I was (MN: flows more smoothly).

(MN: breaking it into a new paragraph here makes it more clear that she's thinking about the friendship between her and "camera guy" [his name hasn't been revealed yet], not the friendships that she's had in the past that were ruined) Every second of our friendship seemed to flash by, and my tears grew worse, white-hot. I didn’t want it to end (MN: more clearly indicates that she's talking about their friendship). I couldn’t let him walk out on me. I wanted to find a way to prove I was still myself.

I must have looked like a pathetic child. I knew that if I wasn’t going to chase him away before , now I was (MN: break into two sentences, add comma. Flows more smoothly and thus is easier to read, making more sense). This was it. He would be gone forever.

“It’s your dad, isn’t it?”

In between sobs I somehow found the strength (MN: makes more sense, flows better) to correct him. “Step-dad.” Even after twelve years I didn’t feel like my mother's second\third\fourth\etc. husband deserved to be called my father (MN: makes "camera guy" and the step-dad separate people; the next sentence is confusing, as you have "he" indicating two different people). From the way he was shaking, I could tell he agreed with my opinion.

“Why…why didn’t you tell me?” I hadn’t realized until that point that (MN: grammar)there were tears running down his own face. Startled, it shook me out of my own self-pitying enough (MN: makes more sense) to speak again.

“You…I just…” I couldn’t stand one more second just standing there (MN: indicates that she is not near him in the way that she wants to be), feeling all alone in that cold water. I threw my arms around him. It was oddly soothing to feel his warmth against (MN: "on" indicates "on top of") me. I was just happy he hadn’t shoved me into the water yet, screaming about how I probably deserved it and running off. “I didn’t want you to leave me. To…to not like me.”

My chin rested on his shoulder now. I was gripping him so tightly that (MN: flows better, forms a clearer image) I could feel his discomfort. I couldn’t loosen my hold\embrace\etc. (MN: missing a word, loses smoothness), though. I needed to feel the contact of someone else. Someone who hadn’t run away yet. “I still don’t.”

A heavy sigh emanated\issued forth\came\etc. from the body in my embrace. I could feel every inch\etc. (MN: see earlier comments on difference in measurement terms) of him tensed, quivering (MN: "still" indicates that she'd mentioned he was shaking before, which she had not) with a mixture of sadness and anger. “I would never do that.” He promised, voice so level and calm it relaxed me.

He pulled away from my embrace, and for a second I thought his statement had been a lie. That he was going to run off into the woods and never see me again. My only real friend would be gone, and I would be alone. Just like before he came. Instead he wrapped his arm around my neck, and I felt compelled to meet him in the eyes once more, brown meeting grey.

“Lulu, I think I love you.”

“What?”

I didn’t mean to sound so disbelieving but, well, it sounded (MN: "seemed" when used here indicates seeing\looking at something solid)downright impossible. I backed away\up\etc. (MN: inserting word helps with sentence continuity) a little so that (MN: see last comment) he was no longer touching me, looking at him with wide eyes. I didn’t entirely\exactly\completely\etc. (MN: meaning of sentence is conveyed better when rearranged like this)know how to react. Eventually I decided it had to be a joke. He couldn’t be serious. I forced a giggle, which sounded almost sickening when combined with the sorrow that still laced my voice. He looked a little hurt, for a second, but once more he picked up the pieces of the puzzle and put them together (MN: take out "too well", as that's stated in the next sentence). He could read me like a book.

“I’m being serious.”

All the fake laughter was abandoned and I simply stood a few inches away (MN: sentence smoothness, makes sense, etc. You get it) from him, a blank stare on my face for many minutes. He looked more vulnerable than I had ever seen him, throwing himself out into the wind in the faint hopes I’d pick him out of the air and keep him safe. “Why?” I asked. Who could possibly fall in love with me? I was the scum of the earth.

He took another step forward, forcing me to step back; we were (MN: next sentence indicates they both moved)no longer standing in the deepest point in the pond. Now I was (MN: "was" is a state of being, and she's being all three of those things)half naked, red-faced from crying and soaked to the bone. At least he seemed to have stopped focusing on (MN: sentence flow, makes more sense, yadda yadda etc.) the bruises. He placed one of his hands - softer than I expected - on my face, tracing the outline of it slowly as he spoke, eyes all the while focusing on his fingers. I could tell it was to keep from choking up, but I would neverlet on\let him know\etc. (MN: you used "tell" once already recently) I knew.

“You’re beautiful, you’re funny…every day you’ve provided sunlight to my life. You’re the only one who understands me, the only one who takes my photography seriously, and the only one who ever stood by me when…” I could hear him choke up (MN: can a voice choke? Can a voice get the Heimlich Maneuver performed on it?), the same lump in my throat now living in his. “when my mother died.

“I want to take you away from him. If he’s hurting you, I want you gone. I wouldn’t have told you how I feel if I couldn’t offer you an escape. Use me as your escape, Lulu.” He leaned close to me, a look of desperation on his face. “Use me. You can even leave me afterwards, find some other man you love more. I don’t expect you to love me like I do you, I just want to help you because - because you’re everything that means anything to me. There, I said it.”

He was so close to me that (MN: sentence flow, etc.) I could feel his breath, which came rapidly as if he had just finished jogging a mile. Our foreheads pressed together and he looked at me with an expression\a face that screamed "please let me help." (MN: sentence structure, flows better, etc.) I don’t know where it came from, but something else seemed to take over in that instant. Eyes closing, I leaned forward (MN: she's already said she herself is doing the act; adding "myself" sounds awkward) and pressed my lips against his. I expected to be pushed away, or at least declined in some other manner (MN: sentence smoothness, etc.). Rather, he started to move his lips, and before I knew it we were in a kiss.

It was tender, sweet and lasted only a few seconds before we both drew back\away (MN: "retreated" sounds like they're running away in fear\disgust\etc.), but it was my first kiss nonetheless. A blush now stained my cheeks, still caked with the salt from tears. Speaking of tears, they had returned in abundance, adding small amounts of water to the pond (MN: "underneath us" makes it sound like they're standing on the surface of the pond, above it. There's no need to really add anything else right here, since the reader already knows that they are in a pond).

He hugged me powerfully, and I returned his embrace with equal force (MN: sounds better, easier to comprehend what she's doing). I felt like I could do anything and that (MN: grammar)he would be there to save me, I always had. How could I describe how I felt? I was still trying to explain it to myself (MN: since she's not talking to him and the reader isn't technically there) when his grip strengthened just a little bit and his voice whispered in my ear. “He’ll never hurt you again. I promise.”

I believed it.

----------

PHEW. Wow. Okay. You wanted to know what I thought could be improved, I gave it to ya. ^___^;; I also included notes with every change I made. Hopefully you can understand what I mean in them.

Ummm. I hope I don't sound too nit-picky. Again, great story, characters, etc. You really only have problems with grammar, and those can easily be improved by a simple proof-read by yourself. I don't see why you feel the need to cross things out, as there are simple changes that can be made and your mistakes don't actually affect the story in itself. Don't sell yourself short; from what I've read of this (and the RP I'm in with you), you have a great mind for thinking up and writing stories.

If you don't like something\anything\everything that I've changed in the above quote, then disregard it! It is your story after all, and those are only my opinions. They're mostly just general ideas of how to help the story flow along more smoothly for the reader. Nothing is set in stone; you can write your story as you wish. =D I do hope, however, that you found some of my suggestions helpful.

Have a good one! :3 And keep writing. I want to read more of your stuff. ^__^