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ZaK.86
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#1
Old 07-26-2009, 05:25 AM





So, I'm gonna post some poetry, feel free to tell me what you think, but please no bashing. I love constructive criticism but please, if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. If you want to ask where I got a poem or anything, feel free. If I don't want to tell you, I'll just say so. =p

FORGOTTEN WAR
DYING
INTRODUCTION
ENDING



Last edited by ZaK.86; 07-28-2009 at 04:03 AM..

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#2
Old 07-26-2009, 05:27 AM








Last edited by ZaK.86; 07-27-2009 at 06:43 AM..

Shtona
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#3
Old 07-26-2009, 06:58 PM

I like it, believe me I do, but I don't get much feeling from it. It doesn't make me stop and think, "you know, he's right, we have forgotten about our soldiers overseas." I would probably just add more to it, go into more detail. Describe the leaves, branches, and creatures living in the bush, and not just the outside of the bush...you know?

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#4
Old 07-27-2009, 02:44 AM

Thanks for the suggestions. ^_^ I think a lot of the emotion was lost because the site took out the poem's original spacing.

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#5
Old 07-27-2009, 03:43 AM

I actually liked the shape it took when it was centered. I'm sure you did that on purpose. It narrowed and brought the poem to a single point with a follow up question. Good imagery with the text.

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#6
Old 07-27-2009, 06:44 AM

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#7
Old 07-27-2009, 06:46 AM

I've fixed the problem by making it an image. That's what it's supposed to look like.

Also, another poem, also a bit older.

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#8
Old 07-27-2009, 04:54 PM

I do like it more with this spacing. It's separated well...I would still probably add more to it though...

The new one you posted...it seems to have the same issue for me. It seem like there's something missing. It seems like it's been edited and revised down too much. For me at least. I like to go into detail with my poetry...For me, life is a series of details that line up and wait to be written about. In some cases they can be left out, but with my poetry, it seems like they all need to be mentioned. That may make me a bad person to critique your poetry though...
:lol:

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#9
Old 07-28-2009, 03:35 AM

I guess that's just the way that I write. Thanks for the input though. ^_^

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#10
Old 07-28-2009, 03:58 AM

• • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • •





• • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • •

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#11
Old 07-28-2009, 03:59 AM

• • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • •





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#12
Old 07-28-2009, 04:10 AM

*Le sigh* This forum moves so SLOW!

"Introduction" was a great read. I really enjoyed it. You use spacing really well to emphasize your points throughout your poetry..."Ending" was also very good and seemed to appease my need for detail.

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#13
Old 07-28-2009, 05:57 AM

A little bit yeah. It happens. =p

Spacing is probably one of my favorite devices. Very few poems that I've written in the last two years or so have conventional spacing.

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#14
Old 07-28-2009, 06:01 AM

I always use conventional spacing and grouping...I actually wrote a poem today/yesterday that was basically six stanzas, four lines each, six words per line...I don't know, I prefer order like that...

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#15
Old 07-28-2009, 06:05 AM

I can't write with any kind of order. In fact half of the time what people see typed only portrays half of it. The paper copies are much crazier sometimes.

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#16
Old 07-28-2009, 06:10 AM

All of my writing is done in my head. I revise and edit everything three times before I actually type it out or write it down, then I revise and edit it again. It's a weird system, but it works for me. Recently I've been writing a lot of songs for the band I'm putting together though, so I've been doing a lot of jotting down of lyrics and lines. Those pages probably look similar...:lol:

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#17
Old 07-28-2009, 06:33 AM

Ah lyrics. My friends always tell me I should write them since I write poetry. I don't think I am very good at them though.

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#18
Old 07-28-2009, 06:37 AM

Yeah, I had the same problem until recently. It just takes some decent inspiration I guess, because before three weeks ago I couldn't write a song to save my life, but now I pop out atleast one every couple of days. Haha...

Well, I'm about to pass out on my keyboard, so I'm going to hit the sack...C ya...

 


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