PROBLEM: I love the wrong person.

WHO AM I: I am a passionate person, who experiences everything through my emotions. I don't cry for show or pity, I cry when I am angry, upset, or frustrated. I seek to ensure others' happiness before my own.

LISTEN TO MY STORY...
My childhood was one that no child should ever have to suffer. Although, I wasn't physically abused--the verbal and emotional abuse that I suffered was enough for me to want to kill myself many times. The only reason I didn't was because I didn't want my friends to be unhappy. My friends didn't know about what happened at home, but I felt very alone. I felt unloved. Nearly every chance I got, when the clock was on 11:11 or I blew out my birthday candles or dozens of other wish-making opportunities, I wished that someone would love me as much as I loved them. I wanted to fall in love and be loved in return.

I was seventeen when I met Kris. We lived in the same small town and had gone to the same high school, but I had been a freshman and he a senior--so our paths hadn't really crossed. But when I was seventeen, our paths crossed and I thought that I fell in love. A few months later I finally called him at home and we talked, and eventually we started dating. We were together nearly two years. I thought that we were in love. I believed that I had found my soulmate. But he broke up with me, and I realized that he didn't love me. He wanted me to find someone who loved me and encouraged me to find someone better than him. I was crushed and broken.

It took a long time, but I moved on. By this point, I had spent a lot of time reflecting on what I had done to make Kris feel the way that he did. I had concluded that it was because I wasn't good enough for him. I had been too demanding (which I was), I threatened to break up with him too many times to get my way. I was told how a boyfriend should act by my friends, not realizing that my relationship with Kris shouldn't have been defined by their standards. I said many things that I didn't mean. I had unknowingly inherited the same cruelty that I had suffered. I missed Kris in my life, but I respected his desire to be without me.

I met Justin. He wasn't like Kris, and I thought that this would be a good thing. He spoiled me more than I deserved, and I tried to be just as kind. But I quickly discovered that his dependence on me was annoying, and what I thought was love, turned to affection for a friend. I realized that Kris must have been just as frustrated by my dependence on him while we dated. I tried apologizing, but Kris blew me off.

I started dating Chris. He had the good qualities of Justin, but he challenged me intellectually. Again I thought that I was in love with the person that I could spend the rest of my life with. We got engaged, but our wedding plans kept being put off for various reasons. I started having dreams about Kris, strange dreams in which we were in love. It wasn't a view of the past but the present or the future. These dreams unnerved me because I knew that he couldn't possibly feel that way for me. I was honest with Chris about the dreams and he was more than understanding. A few days later, I got over the dream, feeling guilty for the emotions that it evoked.

This summer I have been staying with Chris, in his apartment. He lives in the same city as Kris and works in the same building. In my efforts to establish a friendship with Kris, we hang out every once in a while. I have realized that I didn't truly love Kris when we dated, but my feelings for him have matured over the last six years. I love Chris, and I don't want to hurt him. He is encouraging me to be with Kris if it will make me happy. But Kris' feelings for me have not changed, and I know that I cannot voice how I feel to him without dissolving the friendship that I have with him and making him unhappy.

Chris knows how I feel and for the time being we're no longer engaged but we are still together. He still loves me even though I don't believe that I deserve it.

I know that I am being selfish by wanting to be with someone who doesn't want me, and disregarding someone who obviously does. Do I stay with Chris because it is what he wants and it wouldn't hurt my friendship with Kris? Or do I confess and see what happens?

Well this is a little pickle, I hope I understood it all right (lots of names haha)
If you don't love someone you shouldn't be with them, if someone doesn't want to be with you, you can't force it or push it you have to walk away....
I know thats very general and said a lot but its true. If that guy doesn't love you anymore he doesn't and you are just putting yourself in a position to be hurt. You also shouldn't string someone along if you don't think its the real deal ya know? Yes there is doubt and cold feet but I like to think that if its right your gut will know and it will all work out, but from the sounds of it you have a lot more then just doubt, and I don't think its fair to be stringing the other along.

also, I understand emotional trouble, my dad was a heavy alcoholic my whole life and I hated myself for a long time, thought I deserved nothing (still do from time to time) but you will never be able to be healthy and happy in a relationship if you think that way. You have to love yourself before you can love anyone else. I help myself by remember I wouldn't be who I am, or with who I am with today if it wasn't for all the things that happened in my life. :)

I'm sorry that was very confusing >_<;; I hope that helped at all >__<;

good luck dear <3

Thank you for your advice! It wasn't too confusing, I think perhaps that the way I presented the story was too confusing. :<

CHRIS//STRINGING HIM ALONG: I understand what you are saying, but I haven't been stringing Chris along. I have been honest about my feelings when they have changed and offered to end the relationship if that is what he wanted, but he still wants to be with me which is why we're still together. He tells me that he doesn't mind as long as I am honest with him. I know I really don't deserve him.

KRIS//LETTING HIM GO: As for Kris, I don't think that I could tell him how I feel about him. I believe that if it something that he wants, he will have to ask me.

FAMILY: I am grateful for some of the morals that my family has instilled in me. I even forgave my mother for what she had said and done, but once I started dating Chris (the one I am currently with) she disowned me because she didn't like him and took many of my belongings including money. The drastic actions made me really question her previous actions.

IN THE END: I guess how do you forget someone who always seems to pervade your thoughts? I have tried to lock up that little part of me that still loved him. I tried hating him to no avail. As I have grown since the break-up I have come to realize more and more what kind of a person he was and why he did things differently. The appreciation of what he did, although late in coming, isn't usually what makes me feel this way.

I don't know if you're up for this or if it's even worth the try, but you can always go up to Kris and tell him that he stills invades your thoughts, but that he shouldn't worry because you know he doesn't want you and you feel acting like this is the best you can do for him. This is the most straighforward way to let out your inside demons, and by doing that you would be opening a path for anything that was unsaid to be communicated and have everything definitely clear between you. Then, these thoughts I suspect are doubts and fears could go away. And, who knows? You might even finish this feeling more powerful than before, which is what beating your fears does to one.

Or, you could try writing it all down. Either way you have to decide what exactly is troubling you, what triggers these thoughts and worries, and act on the cause instead of the symptoms.

This whole thing with Kris, the unobtainable guy, almost sounds like a case of the 'grass is greener on the other side'. There's something undeniably attractive to crushing on a guy you know in your heart doesn't feel the same way...it's almost like you're setting yourself up for failure.

I honestly, and halfheartedly feel, you should sit down and take stock of what you have with Chris right now. How long have you been together? And how comfortable are you in the relationship right now (without adding in the whole Kris factor). He sounds like he's being very mature about the situation and realizes that he can't make you love him, but at the same time he obviously cares a lot about you to want to marry you. I say this as I felt like I was in a similar situation with my ex-husband. I had a colleague at work who I crushed on...not because I knew it would lead to a healthy relationship, but I knew he was unpredictable and very spur of the moment and a laugh to be around. (I know I said I prefer a stable guy in another thread, but bear with me on this one...When you're on a sinking ship as far as relationships go you really don't have your thinking cap on...) Well I sat down and told my husband at the time about my feelings for this person and he was infuriated. Luckily, things worked out for me in the end even given the pain I felt then because he didn't like me more than a friend.

Also let me tell you this. A healthy relationship with a partner will start off feeling real passionate and emotional like any other beginning relationship...but it will tail off in time and you might find yourself in emotional displacement because you're not getting that same feel good vibe you were before. (Displacement seems like a strong word...more for like aggressive or sexual tendencies in psychology apparently, but I'm lacking a better word. :|) I think perhaps you should sit down and weigh the good and the bad out of the current relationship and see if maybe that's the initial cause for your feelings.

Another thing...I usually say that relationships end for a good reason. People do change, but it seems if you guys have broken it off once before I would just move on with the whole Kris thing and find someone else. I just can't see something coming out of the relationship that already wasn't there the first go around. People mature, but you still have all that emotional baggage too.

Well, I think that I am going to declare this problem resolved.

I did write a list of comparison to see if it was a case of the "grass being greener."
I actually found more positive things about Chris than Kris (the unattainable).

Regardless, I have decided to stay with Chris. He understand me and actually loves me. I have been trying to be more appreciative and happier, thinking that I am the root of my problem.

Thank you for reading, listening, and giving me advice.

Since this issue has been resolved, I'll go ahead and lock this thread up. :yes: