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Red Panda
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#1
Old 08-02-2009, 12:39 AM

I am a Cliche.


I am a cliche
A bottomless pit.

There's no such thing,
They say.

A pit must have a bottom,
To be bottomless is impossible.

I am bottomless,
I have no end.

To my pain,
To my agony.

I'm still falling,
I will always be falling.

My only dream,
Is that I will float.

Even for a minute,
Would be fine.

I know my style is different, but please tell me how to improve!!!!

Last edited by Red Panda; 08-02-2009 at 09:08 PM..

Red Panda
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#2
Old 08-02-2009, 07:53 PM

Pain slowly embedded me
Agony quickly bloomed.

Pain for the ones I lost
Pain for the ones I'm losing.

I go to sleep crying.
I wake up silently screaming.

I hide my agony
I shield the weak.

I absorb agony
Meant for others.

I feel like the box
Pandora held.

Containing everything
Protecting everyone.

Slowly losing myself,
To the endless agony.

I can't go,
I can't quit.

Who would be the box?
Who else would shield them?

Another child?
That is all I feel like.

A child.
A lost child.

Yet I am the box,
Pandora's box.

I will never be opened,
I should never be opened.

I won't let them open me
No matter how hard they try.

I will bound
Myself with chains.

So tight no one will
Try to open me

My hope
Is that Pandora

Will never
Open me.

Shtona
⊙ω⊙
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#3
Old 08-03-2009, 02:12 AM

You seem to restate a lot of the same ideas throughout your poetry, which has it's uses, but you don't want to overdue it. Try using different wording for the same idea, or just state it once. You may want to expand on some ideas that are more important and leave out others...

Poetry is all about word choice, rhythm, and rhyme. You have your own style, which is good, but try writing in other styles as well. See how those feel and work, then use some of those techniques with your own. Maybe that'll help you improve.

Red Panda
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#4
Old 08-03-2009, 08:15 PM

Thank you so much!!!!! I will try it!!!!!

 


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