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Vall'na Racill
Astrological Phenomenon
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08-05-2009, 06:30 PM
Title: A Wish for a Fallen Angel (?)
I'm not sure what I'm going to do about the title yet...suggestions for a title are appreciated...
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Cecil's head pounded to the rhythm of a loud noise as she awoke. Someone was banging on the door. She looked around, but could see nothing in the complete darkness. She carefully tried to stand up, but still hit her head on the low ceiling and collapsed, her legs weak from lack of activity. The door groaned open slowly.
"Come on, human, we haven't got all day!"
Cecil looked up. The light that streamed the door couldn't have been more than a candle, but hurt her eyes nonetheless; everything seemed blurry and distorted.
She gathered her strength and crawled over to the door, barely able to make it out in one piece. The foul beast who had opened the door helped her up and handed her a cup of water. Thankfully, she drank it.
"Thank you," she squeaked, her knees shaking.
"Come along," said the creature, beckoning for her to follow. Her muscles screamed as she did so, a new wave of pain following each meager step.
"Who are you?" Cecil asked after a while. The pain in her legs and back had faded, and the only ailment she had now was a splitting headache.
"My name is Vexus. I'm the Lord's Right Hand. Now hush, we're entering the street. Stay close and look nobody in the eye."
Cecil nodded and kept her eyes down. They had passed through several eerily familiar corridors and climbed up just as many staircases to get to this point; a wide marketplace. However active and loud and rich it might have been, nobody smiled or waved or spoke below a shout. Laughter must have been unknown, and colourful wardrobes had yet to be designed. Behind them were smaller towns, homes, and miniature shops; in the distance, Cecil could see farms. Not very far to the east loomed a great castle, which seemed to wrap all the way around the marketplace. Everywhere she saw statues of fantastic creatures of all shapes, breeds and sizes.
But one especially caught her eye; it was of a man who appeared to be human, dressed in elegant tunics with ruffled sleeves. Whatever paint had ever been applied was now chipped away revealing only the original stone. This same man appeared only a few times, but each had a similar pose; his arms were at his sides and his weight was shifted as if he were challenging something.
Cecil was broken from her trance by Vexus, who had grabbed her arm roughly and pulled her into some sort of procession. The noises of running children and shouting salesmen that occupied the marketplace had disappeared; now there was only the steady beating of drums and the occasional clunk of horses' hooves.
"We're entering the castle now. The Lord will answer all questions in time. Please be patient."
Vexus let go of her arm and kept his eyes forward. They moved slowly but surely through a massive gate, surrounded by guards and wagons and farmers with their carts. Eventually they came up to a smaller gate, where Vexus was stopped by one of the guards.
"Good to see you, brother Vexus. Have you a gift for the Lord?"
"Indeed it is, brother Aldur. Nay, not a gift, but he has requested thus." He pulled Cecil forward and the guard looked her over before offering a nod. She had to wonder how anybody could be recognized here; Vexus himself looked like his skin was grey and calloused, his eyes were a piercing yellow, and his garb was shreds of fabric that had been stitched together in obvious haste. A heavy brow and bulbuous nose completed the picture. He reminded Cecil of Frankenstein's Monster.
"Very well, you may enter," said Aldur as he ushered them through into the castle. Aldur himself was hidden by heavy armour, his only visible feature being his eyes--which were indeed yellow as well.
Cecil's heart was pounding. A gift? A request? If she was an item, what would she be used for? Dozens of fears and sudden regrets rushed into her brain as they walked through an empty entrance hall with a large brazier in the middle. Were they going to eat her? Drug and rape her, sell her to demons, or torture her? Cauldrons of gold, racks of weapons and piles of what appeared to be bones were scattered against the walls. This was obviously not a man to be reckoned with.
After what seemed to be another eternity of walking through hallways with stained glass windows and statues of gods and goddesses, Vexus led her to a great doorway with elegant symbols and vines carved into the stone. Cecil looked up as they walked in; the room had a large, domed cieling with large gaps to let light stream in. The entire castle and town had so far seemed dull, depressed and lost, but this room had almost a heavenly aura to it. It was serene. Calm. Quiet.
"My Lord, I have brought that which you need." Vexus kneeled down and bowed his head. Cecil kneeled as well, not knowing what to do. As a matter of fact, she had no idea whom Vexus was talking to. The room was empty, other than a few statues and a massive throne.
"You've failed me yet again, Vexus... I'm very disappointed."
Vexus looked up, a distressed look on his face. "What displeases you my Lord?"
Cecil swallowed hard, and focused only on the ground, tracing the gaps between the stones with her eyes.
"I told you not to bring any humans here," boomed the loud voice, echoing against the cold walls. Cecil's knees screamed in pain as all her weight was pressed against the hard floor.
"But, my Lord, you need the virgin power of a human to get--"
"Silence!"
Cecil dared to look up, and could see where the voice was coming from; by one of the large windows stood a tall, lean man, his figure hidden in a dark cloak.
"I said clearly," the man stepped down very slowly from the window, "that no human--innocent or otherwise--will be condemned to this place..." He walked swiftly over to the place where Cecil and Vexus knelt, his cloak swaying gently behind him.
"Please, my Lord...allow me to correct my mistake..." Vexus moaned, daring to sit up.
The man in the cloak knelt down in front of them and grabbed Vexus by the throat. "You know just as well as I that it's impossible without the Key. Leave now, you've cost me enough time!" He dropped Vexus who backed out in a hurry, leaving Cecil on her knees, alone with this man.
"Were you imprisoned?" the man said, gesturing toward the shackles on her wrists.
Cecil was too frightened to nod, and swallowed hard, trying her best not to cry.
"I'm sorry..." he said, as he pulled back the hood and untied his cloak; he seemed like a completely different person.
Cecil gasped as he turned to face her, and offered his hand.
"My name is Valireon of the Castle Dante. Welcome to my kingdom."
It was the man from the statues. His hair was long and golden, and curled gently; his skin was pale and his eyes were a deep blue, but clouded in such a way that he appeared to be blind. He wore clothes similar to those depicted on the statue; the sleeves on his tunic were thick and draped, accented with a maroon vest and white cravat; his pants, black and form-fitting, tucked into black leather boots.
Cecil took his hand and he helped her up, removing the shackles from her wrists.
"I'm sure you're terrified. Please, sit down," he led her to the throne and sat her down, wrapping his cloak around her shoulders. "If you have any questions, just ask."
He flashed a mysterious smile and turned to walk down the steps as Aldur ran in, a mace in hand.
"My Lord, please come quickly! Warriors from the north carry a message from Daum!"
Valireon's eyes widened and he clenched the sheathed sword that hung from his belt. Cecil ran down behind him.
"Please! Don't leave--" She yelled, making a grab towards his sleeve.
Valireon whirled around, his eyes blazing, and the back of his hand--and the rings that decorated it--raked across her face.
"Stay here!" he hissed, and ran off quickly with Aldur. Cecil collapsed and sobbed into the cloak. Valireon was her only hope of human socialization, and now what? What was to become of her?
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Please keep in mind Mr. Bones, there's no manhandling in the food court. :shock:

Last edited by Vall'na Racill; 08-09-2009 at 07:14 AM..
Reason: Revisements
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Nolori
Everyone's Favorite Imaginary Fr...
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08-06-2009, 10:57 PM
First off, I love your username. I just had to say.
And I wish I could help you with the title, but I don't feel I know enough of the story to help you with that. Maybe if you post more of the story later I can. My apologies.
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Originally Posted by Vall'na Racill
Cecil's head pounded to the rhythm of a loud noise as she awoke, and realized someone was banging on the door.
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This sentence might be better served split into two. The pounding of her head in one sentence might give it more of a punch. So the explanation is in a second sentence so as not to take away from said punch.
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Originally Posted by Vall'na Racill
Cautiously she stood, but hit her head on the low ceiling and collapsed.
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Out of curiosity, if she was cautiously standing, how did she hit her head hard enough to collapse? It's not wrong or anything, I'm just curious as currently it doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me.
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Originally Posted by Vall'na Racill
...and slithered over to the door, and was able to crawl out in one piece.
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I like the imagery, but I think the words "slithered" and "crawl" so close together are a little jarring. I know they are only used for imagery, but since slithering implies being even closer to the ground than crawling, I think you should pick one and roll with it for this sentence. Perhaps she "slithered over to the door and was able to slide out in one piece" or "made it out"? The same can be done for crawling.
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Originally Posted by Vall'na Racill
Not very far to the east loomed a great castle, which seemed to wrap all the way around the marketplace.
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If it wraps around the marketplace, how is it only in the east? Wouldn't it then be all around the north, west, and south as well? Or did you mean that the main part of the castle was just past the east and the walls wrapped around the marketplace? Or does it only wrap around the eastern end of the marketplace? It's a very interesting image either way, but a little disambiguation couldn't hurt.
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Originally Posted by Vall'na Racill
Everywhere she saw statues of fantastic creatures of all shapes, breeds and sizes, but one especially caught her eye; it was of a man who appeared to be human, dressed in elegant tunics with ruffled sleeves.
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I think this sentence has a little too much going on. Perhaps you could separate between all of the other statues she's seeing and then, in a separate sentence, mention this one that catches her eye?
I quite like this statue by the way. The description of it is very good.
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Originally Posted by Vall'na Racill
Dozens of fears and sudden regrets...
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Why are her regrets more sudden than her fears? What makes them so? It seems like an extremely interesting thing you've alluded to her and then left me without any explanation for it. Could you add something in about that?
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Originally Posted by Vall'na Racill
...domed cieling that had been carved out to let light stream in.
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Is it carved out of the ceiling or has a vast majority of the ceiling actually been taken away to let the light in? I'm a little confused. I am really loving this castle though.
Also: ‘ceiling’ instead of ‘cieling’
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Originally Posted by Vall'na Racill
The entire castle and town had so far seemed dull, depressed and lost...but this room had almost a heavenly aura to it.
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Really? I didn't catch the 'dull, depressed and lost' when you wrote about the marketplace. I got lots of noise, busy streets and enough money to make all those statues. Could you perhaps add in some more details about the marketplace to make it seem so grey and pained?
I'm also not the biggest fan of ellipses in sentences. Could it be changed to "...depressed and lost, but this room had..."?
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Originally Posted by Vall'na Racill
It was serene...calm...quiet.
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Beautiful. But, like I said before, not the biggest fan of ellipses. What about, "It was serene. Calm. Quiet." I think it would have the same effect.
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Originally Posted by Vall'na Racill
Cecil's knees screamed in pain.
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Why? They didn't seem to hurt her when she crawled out of her room. Is it because of the vibrations in the ground due to the voice? Is it because of the hooded man's power? I would like a little explanation here.
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Originally Posted by Vall'na Racill
"I sad clearly," the man stepped down from the window...
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"I said clearly..." yeah?
And is this a special window in particular or is it just a window? By using 'the' instead of 'a' it makes it seem like you've talked about this particular window before and that I should know it. Should I?
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Originally Posted by Vall'na Racill
...his cloak swishing behind him.
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This is totally a personal preference, but I have a hard time taking the word 'swishing' seriously. Swaying? Whipping? I think it could be changed to have a more profound effect.
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Originally Posted by Vall'na Racill
...Welcome to my kindgom,"
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"Welcome to my kindgom." Put in a period. And I do believe you meant ‘kingdom’. Little grammar and spelling errors are all. =] I am a spell-check master! Hoo-hah!
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Originally Posted by Vall'na Racill
Valireon was her only hope of human socialization...
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I understand that the others aren't human, but you never made any mention of what these other creatures look like? Do they all appear to be human? Is she frightened of them (I got the impression she was frightened of them, at very least controlled by them) because of their looks or their status over her?
An interesting piece overall. I didn't find many grammatical errors and spelling errors. Very well done. There were a couple of things I need explained, but not enough that I missed any of the story. My biggest issue I think was some of the diction. There were a couple words that I think could be changed to have more of an impact on the reader.
Good luck with this and I hope the second part comes up!
Last edited by Nolori; 08-06-2009 at 11:00 PM..
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Vall'na Racill
Astrological Phenomenon
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08-07-2009, 12:10 AM
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Originally Posted by Nolori
First off, I love your username. I just had to say.
And I wish I could help you with the title, but I don't feel I know enough of the story to help you with that. Maybe if you post more of the story later I can. My apologies.
This sentence might be better served split into two. The pounding of her head in one sentence might give it more of a punch. So the explanation is in a second sentence so as not to take away from said punch.
Out of curiosity, if she was cautiously standing, how did she hit her head hard enough to collapse? It's not wrong or anything, I'm just curious as currently it doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me.
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Well, she was just a little weak, having been sitting in a chamber for so long... I guess the beginning of atrophy? xD
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I like the imagery, but I think the words "slithered" and "crawl" so close together are a little jarring. I know they are only used for imagery, but since slithering implies being even closer to the ground than crawling, I think you should pick one and roll with it for this sentence. Perhaps she "slithered over to the door and was able to slide out in one piece" or "made it out"? The same can be done for crawling.
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Alrighty then...I was just afraid to repeat myself a lot and use 'crawl' too much. :sweat:
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If it wraps around the marketplace, how is it only in the east? Wouldn't it then be all around the north, west, and south as well? Or did you mean that the main part of the castle was just past the east and the walls wrapped around the marketplace? Or does it only wrap around the eastern end of the marketplace? It's a very interesting image either way, but a little disambiguation couldn't hurt.
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The marketplace was just the area they were walking into; so you could say it was eastern compared to the rest of the citadel, only because the marketplace is just a small portion of the entire area. I guess I should have put in that behind them/where they came from was kind of like a more rural area...I hope that helps?
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I think this sentence has a little too much going on. Perhaps you could separate between all of the other statues she's seeing and then, in a separate sentence, mention this one that catches her eye?
I quite like this statue by the way. The description of it is very good.
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Haha thanks a bunch, I'm glad you like it. I guess I should separate them; I thought the semicolon would be enough.
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Why are her regrets more sudden than her fears? What makes them so? It seems like an extremely interesting thing you've alluded to her and then left me without any explanation for it. Could you add something in about that?
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Sure thing, it was more of an "Oh no they're going to eat/rape/kill me" kind of thing. xD
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Is it carved out of the ceiling or has a vast majority of the ceiling actually been taken away to let the light in? I'm a little confused. I am really loving this castle though.
Also: ‘ceiling’ instead of ‘cieling’
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Sorry, I was trying to be accurate on spelling but I was typing fast. A majority of the ceiling had been removed. :)
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Really? I didn't catch the 'dull, depressed and lost' when you wrote about the marketplace. I got lots of noise, busy streets and enough money to make all those statues. Could you perhaps add in some more details about the marketplace to make it seem so grey and pained?
I'm also not the biggest fan of ellipses in sentences. Could it be changed to "...depressed and lost, but this room had..."?
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I should have put more in about how everything was crowded, dirty, and very uninviting... And sure, I'll see what I can do about the ellipses, I kind of overuse them. ^^
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Beautiful. But, like I said before, not the biggest fan of ellipses. What about, "It was serene. Calm. Quiet." I think it would have the same effect.
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Sure thing. :)
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Why? They didn't seem to hurt her when she crawled out of her room. Is it because of the vibrations in the ground due to the voice? Is it because of the hooded man's power? I would like a little explanation here.
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It was because of the hard stone, and kneeling on hard stone gets a little painful after a while. I'll add more in. ^^
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"I said clearly..." yeah?
And is this a special window in particular or is it just a window? By using 'the' instead of 'a' it makes it seem like you've talked about this particular window before and that I should know it. Should I?
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Sorry about that, it seems I forgot to add that he was standing by it. >>'
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This is totally a personal preference, but I have a hard time taking the word 'swishing' seriously. Swaying? Whipping? I think it could be changed to have a more profound effect.
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Lol ok. :) Valireon's supposed to be badass anyways, I guess 'swishing' isn't appropriate for him.
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"Welcome to my kindgom." Put in a period. And I do believe you meant ‘kingdom’. Little grammar and spelling errors are all. =] I am a spell-check master! Hoo-hah!
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LOL! Yeah, I was typing fast.
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I understand that the others aren't human, but you never made any mention of what these other creatures look like? Do they all appear to be human? Is she frightened of them (I got the impression she was frightened of them, at very least controlled by them) because of their looks or their status over her?
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I should put in that they're very ugly and have skin like parchment paper.
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An interesting piece overall. I didn't find many grammatical errors and spelling errors. Very well done. There were a couple of things I need explained, but not enough that I missed any of the story. My biggest issue I think was some of the diction. There were a couple words that I think could be changed to have more of an impact on the reader.
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Good luck with this and I hope the second part comes up!
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Yeah! Thanks a bunch! Hopefully soon... :)
Last edited by Vall'na Racill; 08-07-2009 at 12:12 AM..
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Nolori
Everyone's Favorite Imaginary Fr...
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08-07-2009, 12:39 AM
No problem! For the most part, everything you explained to me would work wonderfully for explanations in the story.
My only other concern is, now that I read your previous thread about the plot, if these creatures are new to her, what is keeping her from freaking out? I'm not entirely sure if she's been with these creatures (or in that cell at least) for some time or whether this is, essentially, entirely new for her. If it's all new, I always figured she'd probably do what most people would do. Hyperventilate. Pass-out if she was scared and hurt enough. Try desperately to deny that it was real.
Unless of course she's got the most amazing resolute mind ever. Which is certainly possible.
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Vall'na Racill
Astrological Phenomenon
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08-09-2009, 06:51 AM
Lol...well Cecil's supposed to be rather down-to-Earth, and I figured she was just too tired and weary to really care, you know? But then when she meets Valireon and he hits her everything kinda rushes in one swoop. :PI guess I should add that too. And sorry it's taken so long for me to get back on, had a bit of a tangent with the parental units. >.>
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