
08-06-2009, 07:43 PM
I agree with Gary Stargazer. I'm a little confused as to how the Father could be chasing Hunter and not only making sure the sister doesn't leave, but continue to lead the village. Has someone taken over for the Father? Or has the Father hired someone else to chase down his son?
One of my biggest issues is something that only character development can fix, really. Being strict and trying to force Hunter into his duty is not really an evil or even villanous thing. If the village needs Hunter, then it needs him. The Father, what with the praise and encouragment that he offers Hunter in the beginning, doesn't seem to be a bad guy to me. I almost get the impression that he is trying to keep his rebellious children near him for safety reasons. I mean, heck, Hunter runs off and gets into all sorts of trouble.
If I ran off to elope (like the sister) or to get away from my responsibilities I think my parents would come after me too. Generally, parents want their children to grow into men (or women) and keep them safe.
I find myself siding with the Father in this situation, and I'm not really sure that's what you wanted.
I also feel like Fang and Hunter were in the wrong to attack the merchant and steal the tablet. He's a merchant, of course he'll want money for the tablet. He needs to eat too, poor guy. While I don't suggest changing it, (as I don't see any other way to get the tablet short of working for it. Which might be an interesting side-plot, but it's your call) I do suggest not trying to make us like the act when you get around to writing it out. Perhaps Hunter feels guilt over it? Perhaps Fang thinks Hunter is a sissy for the guilt? There's lots of things to play with here and I quite like that you have it. I just think you need to be careful with it so as not to make it 'I'm right because I'm the hero!' and rather 'I'm right because I'm a stupid teenager (or however old Hunter is) and hormonal."
(That all being said, it made me kind of agree that the merchants should come beat him up. I mean, Hunter is a theif and bully as far as the merchants are concerned. I feel for the merchants here and not Hunter, which is why I'm worried about it.)
I also agree with Gary Stargazer about the lizards. They seem now to be nothing more than a plot device, and they're pretty cool concepts so I think they deserve more than that. (I've always really liked reptile-people. I'm glad you have them!)
Perhaps Tara should have a larger role so she isn't the generic love-interest. Granted, you have the whole Barren Land for that to happen. =D
Overall I think it could make an interesting fantasy adventure story, but character development is what I think is going to make or break it. Get to know them a little better, see how the interact with each other and the world around them before writing the story for real. Usually, that can give you a good impression of their personalities and how they can develop as people (or wolves).
You seem to know Fang fairly well. Whatever you did to get to know him (writing out short things, notes to yourself, whatever) do it for everyone else too!
And basically I agree with everything Gary Stargazer said. =]
A good first go-around for plot, though!
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