I can tell these are more or less things that really happened to you, so I feel odd critiquing them. But you didn't seem to mind the other ones, so here I go again. =]
And you really ought not to put 'good' or 'bad' as options in your poll there. Everyone's first draft is rough. (A first draft written in math class even rougher; I remember those days.)
One more thing: (Golly I have a lot to say today.) I'm worried this is dangerously close to a journal-type writing or 'daily experience' kind of thing. It says you can't post those here in the rules. I'm not going to presume to ask you to take this down or anything, but just be careful, okay? I don't want you to get into trouble or anything.
[To be honest, I'm not sure how diligently such things are monitored here. I've only been here two or three days. Heh.)
On to the crit.!
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by bookbreath
I tried to keep my mind on math while trying NOT to think about our fight.
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It's not really wrong, but I've never been a fan of capitalized words for emphasis. (There are a few exceptions, but, well, really very few.) Instead, I suggest using italics. "...while trying
not to thinkg about..."
Quote:
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Originally Posted by bookbreath
I couldn't wait for next hour so I could text him, and talk things out.
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While I'm pretty sure I know who 'him' is, I'd suggest changing it to 'my boyfriend' instead. At this point, it seems like 'him' could be your math teacher, which would be very odd indeed.
Quote:
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Originally Posted by bookbreath
So I pushed my glasses up one more time attempting to catch something she was talking about.
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Another pronoun issue. You never explained that 'she' was your math teacher. While I can figure it out, it should probably be more clear. You could mention earlier that your math teacher is female, so that you can start using pronouns.
Quote:
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Originally Posted by bookbreath
I glanced around the room to find I was not the only one not paying attention.
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Not wrong by any means, but double negatives can be awfully confusing to read! Try eliminating them: "I glanced around the room to find that others were ignoring her too." Something to that effect.
Quote:
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Her "stalker," as we call him...
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I assume 'we' is the class, but as the reader I shouldn't really have to assume. Could 'we' be changed to 'the class', 'my friends' ect.?
Quote:
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...was drooling over the back of her head right before the bell rang, the principle walked...
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This is a run-on sentence. I'd add a period after 'head', and start a new sentence with 'right'. "...was drooling over the back of her head. Right before the bell rang, the principle walked..."
Also, 'principle' should be 'principal'. The 'ple' version of the word means rules, laws, morals or scruples, while 'pal' refers to the person. I remember by thinking "The principal at school is your pal."
Not that he is actually, but it's a handy tool.
Quote:
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Originally Posted by bookbreath
His black slowly balding head shown in the florescent light.
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Some grammatical and spelling errors is all. A comma should be put in after 'black' and 'shown' is to show something, where as I believe you meant 'shone' to shine.
"His black, slowly balding head shone in the florescent light."
Quote:
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I smiled to myself thinking that is didn't have to go to my stupid homeroom.
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A comma could be put in after 'myself'. "I smiled to myself, thinking that..."
Also, I'm unsure what 'is' is there for. Did you mean 'I'?
Quote:
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Eight of the twenty-seven students stood up and walked out of the room into the crowded hallways of our school.
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I think putting the word 'and' between 'room' and 'into' would help it flow a little better.
"...and walked out of the room
and into the crowded..."
Quote:
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Originally Posted by Bookbreath
We sat down in the back row with our friend Sam who also had no idea what this could be about.
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I'd add a comma after 'Sam' because the two thoughts seem separate.
"...with our friend Sam, who also..."
Quote:
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Originally Posted by bookbreath
When the last person sat down, the all the doors closed and all the lights went off.
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I think you started to write this sentence one way and decided on another way of writing it by the end. It could go one of two ways: "When the last person sat down all the doors..." or "The last person sat down, then all the doors..."
Personally I like the first better.
Quote:
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Originally Posted by bookbreath
His head was also down and a mic. in his left hand.
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It feels like there's a word missing here. "...and he had a mic. ..."?
Quote:
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Originally Posted by bookbreath
"My name is Cory, and I am a travailing speaker."
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'travailing' should be 'traveling' for all three speakers. Travailing means to have a great burden of work, or more commonly as the pain of childbirth. Heh.
Quote:
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Originally Posted by bookbreath
...even though hes kind of a dork...
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'hes' should be 'he's'. Also, dorks are awesome!
Quote:
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Originally Posted by bookbreath
...hes funny and makes me laugh...
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he's
Quote:
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Originally Posted by bookbreath
Not many people cried but she sure did.
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There should be a comma after 'cried'. "Not many people cried, but she sure did."
As I get to the end of this, I'm still worried it breaks the rules. For the next thing you post, you might want to make sure it's a story you wrote and not a day-in-the-life or journal of the day. Just to be safe. =]