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Sky_jean
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#1
Old 08-11-2009, 07:08 PM

Please critique

Cherished Life is Easily Gone

As they come out of the crowded cars
And look about them so,
They see their friends go to the left
And cry from joy and woe

“Strip down and go into that room,”
The German he will say,
To go in there is certain doom
For all will be taken away

The people pointed to the right
They never will be free,
Their angels look upon them
With pity they will see

No mercy or compassion
The ordered guards will give,
Labor and torture are great gifts
To the unfortunate few who live

After all is said and done
Hope it will remain,
For the Allies sure are coming soon
To free them from their pain

Friends and family split apart
From a madman’s crazy whims,
They will meet again in Heaven
And all will sing their hymns

Everyone was cared for
Cherished life is gone
As fleeting and as quick
As night is to dawn

Last edited by Sky_jean; 08-12-2009 at 05:35 AM..

Sky_jean
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#2
Old 08-12-2009, 05:37 AM

How Can You Say You Hate Me?

Your lip trembles; your eyes water
Betraying the inner emotion
While you tell me
Of your external revultion.


I am the only--
One who has seen you cry,
One who has known your hurt,
One too many for you to try.


I know your faults,
I knew your faith.
I know your family,
I knew your case.


Your wings were mended:
I helped you heal.
You gave to me;
Your body I feel.


Sitting in your room,
The moon in lee:
I cannot understand
How you hate me.

Sky_jean
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#3
Old 08-15-2009, 08:17 AM

End of the World

My heart becomes cold: unfeeling
My soul will not soar

Once was young and carefree
Jovial and free no more

All peoples of the Earth rejoice--
The end of the world is here

Unmaking of the creation
The beginning it will mirror

The pain inside is hid away
Behind a solemn face

Never wanting them to know
What you have to brace

The pain of creation
The joy of something new.

Dance alone in your house,
Drink a potent brew,

Listen to this good advice
Of what or not to duel

Be happy for small vict'ries--
Let not your heart be cruel

Sky_jean
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#4
Old 08-16-2009, 02:41 AM

Steeping

Delicious ocher:
Smelling of sweet sandpaper
As it runs cross-grain down maple.

Sweet ambrosia:
Keeping me awake for the extra hour
That I need to write my last essay for the year.

I stir the bitter liquid
With a drop honey,
Hoping to make it sweet to the nose
And milky to the eyes.

I fail, but still drink
Of the life’s blood:
I must be awake
Only one last class.

fairywaif
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#5
Old 09-11-2009, 10:42 PM

The first one is a little pedantic, you may want to work on the rhythm.

The second would make a really nice song, but it feels slightly flimsy as a poem. I think it needs more movement.

On the end of the world one it seems like some of the rhymes are to rhyme with other lines, not to make a point.

On that last one, very cute poem about coffee, but that last line falls a little flat. Maybe you should put "Only one more for the year" or something similar instead.

These are only suggestions, but I hope I was helpful!

cranky casey
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#6
Old 09-20-2009, 09:31 PM

i like the first one due to more pandanticness in it. i like em that way

 



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