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Soul
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#1
Old 08-19-2009, 10:25 PM

Okay I haven't written in years. I've read through my older stories, and they were dreadful. The only people I ever got criticism from were my parents, and obviously they told me that I was really good.
Today, I wrote a new story. It's just the beginning.

Cora walked through the thousands of people, eager to get to the carnival fun house. Jesse, her best friend, trailed a few feet behind her. Cora loved the carnival, but not at night. She wanted to get to the fun house as soon as possible and then get out as nightfall was quickly coming. The last thing she wanted was to be crammed in a small fenced in carnival that lacked many lights. She didn't even want to think about what could happen to Jesse, being smaller and more fragile than Cora was.
Cora was tall and athletic, but she wasn't pretty. She spent most of her time playing basketball outside her house to make up for her un-existent social life. Jesse, however, was small with an hourglass-like figure. Her skin looked like porcelain, and went well with her perfectly crafted face. A lot of people were surprised when they started hanging out together. The thing about Jesse was that she lacked self esteem. She thought the worst of herself, but would never let it show. When she met Cora, she started feeling better. She was a changed person.
Cora finally caught sight of the fun house. It was bright and multi-colored. Almost like a hand-crafted Japanese lantern. It lit up the whole area, and shined with several shades of blues, reds, and neons. Her eyes lit up, and she was in a daze by the time Jesse had caught up to her. They both walked toward the fun house, neither knowing what was coming at them.
"Can you believe this!" Cora screamed. She barley acknowledged Jesse at the time, but needed to talk about the fun house. " It's so beautiful, and large. I wonder what's in there!" Cora continued to ramble as she stepped onto the fun house step.
Cora walked into the large hallway. The walls looked like jello. Hard, rubbery, bright-colored jello. It was beautiful. As she continued walking, she saw very few people. The sun was setting now, and the people were gradually leaving. This didn't bother Cora, though, because she was too busy admiring the fun house. The main people that she noticed consisted of an older couple that looked to be in their 40's and an odd-looking clown. Why was he odd? I really don't know.
10 minutes passed. Then 30. Then an hour. By then, Cora had lost track of time as she was deep in the fun house. She was inside the mirror room all alone. Almost everyone had left the carnival by now. It was closing time, but Cora didn' t realize this. Slowly, the outdoor lights cut off. Then the stands shut down. Finally, the gates were locked. . She had left Jesse by accident a long time ago, and Jesse had already left. Cora was all alone now. Or was she?

Advice, Criticism?

Knerd
I put the K in "Misspelling"

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#2
Old 08-19-2009, 11:26 PM

This forum is a good place for your thread. :yes:
The Writing Discussion sub is geared more towards conversations about how to develop stories or create characters - That's the place you would go if you wanted help creating a plot arc, for example.

But if you're looking for people to critique what you have already written, right here is fine.

Nolori
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#3
Old 08-20-2009, 12:19 AM

Hi Soul!
My general suggestion for posting stories on the forum is to double-space between paragraphs and to keep it left-justified. It tends to make it easier on the eyes and more appealing to read.
--

Quote:
Originally Posted by Soul
She wanted to get to the fun house as soon as possible and then get out as nightfall was quickly coming.
I understand that she wants to get in the fun-house so she can get out of the dark, but when I got to ‘and then get out’ I was confused. Does she want to run through the fun-house? Or did you mean that she wanted to get out of the dark, because ‘nightfall was quickly coming’?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Soul
Cora was tall and athletic…
While this paragraph has a lot of useful insight to the two girls, it kind of comes at the reader all at once. It also isn’t the most exciting thing to read. It takes away some of the fear inspired by the carnival at night.
I think you should break up this paragraph so that it appears in smaller sections throughout the piece. A sentence here and there in various other parts. That way, the whole of their back-story doesn’t hit you all at once.
There is some of it, such as Cora being athletic or Jesse constantly being complimented, that can be shown rather than told. Assuming you continue this, you could show us more of Cora running about, faster and more agile than Jesse. Or show us, through character dialogue, that Jesse is always being complimented. It can make it a more interesting thing to read. When the reader figures something out, like Jesse being a changed person, rather than being told it makes the reader feel smart. Hehe.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Soul
…her un-existent social life.
I think the official term is ‘nonexistent’ rather than ‘un’.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Soul
…several shades of blues, reds, and neons.
‘neons’ doesn’t really fit the scheme. Red and blue are both actual colors, while neon is a type of color. (I’m sorry if ‘type’ isn’t really what it should be called. I’m not at all artistically inclined as far as color goes.) If you wanted to say ‘neon reds and blues’, it would make a bit more sense and be easier to visualize.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Soul
…by the time Jesse had caught up to her.
Ah ha! This is what I’m talking about by showing us Cora is athletic, rather than telling us.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Soul
She barley acknowledged Jesse at the time, but needed to talk about the fun house.
I understand what you’re saying, but the phrasing of the sentence seems a bit awkward. What about saying something more along the lines of Cora speaking aloud to no one in particular?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Soul
" It's so beautiful…
There’s a space between the “ and ‘It’s’. Just a tiny little thing. =]

Quote:
Originally Posted by Soul
The walls looked like jello.
Since Jello is a brand name, it should be capitalized. You could change it to ‘jelly’ though, if you don’t want the capitalization there. Either gets your point across fine.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Soul
Why was he odd? I really don't know.
This sentence bothers me. By acknowledging yourself in the piece, as ‘I’, it’s like dousing cold water on the face of the reader. All of the sudden you’re reminding me that this isn’t real, that this is a story and that you’re the author. Readers don’t want to be reminded of that as their reading. (Except in the cases of some humor novels and meta-fiction, but those are cases all their own.)
I’d simply strike these two sentences out. Let the reader imagine this clown on their own; let us decide why he’s weird. =]

Quote:
Originally Posted by Soul
10 minutes passed. Then 30.
I’m something of a stickler for this; but I think that essentially any number under ninety-nine and without decimal points really should be written out.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Soul
It was closing time, but Cora didn' t realize this.
There is a space between the ‘n’ and ‘t’ in ‘didn’t’.
‘but Cora didn’t realize this’, seems to be another part where you could show rather than tell. Or, rather, leave out altogether. Instead, when she does realize it you can show us her fear or excitement (or whatever she is feeling) and being there after closing.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Soul
Finally, the gates were locked. .
I’m not sure if you accidentally put two periods or meant to write in ellipses. I think it’s fine with a single period if you meant for ellipses.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Soul
She had left Jesse by accident a long time ago, and Jesse had already left.
I have a bit of a problem with this, only because it doesn’t make much sense to me. The two got separated in a carnival and then Jesse decided to leave without Cora? That doesn’t seem like something a best-friend would do. (At least not mine.)
Could you offer some explanation as to why Jesse would just leave?

There is also the fact that you seem to be mostly third-person limited to Cora. By having ‘and Jesse had already left’, you seem to very suddenly switch to third-person omniscient. My suggestion is to either strike ‘and Jesse had already left’, or phrase it in a way that keep’s it to what Cora could reasonably know.

--

I enjoyed your description of the fun-house. And because carnivals are a place of interest to me, I would really quite like to know what happens next. What’s in the room with her? Will she see it fleetingly in the mirrors?

I hope you keep going with it!

Soul
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#4
Old 08-20-2009, 01:04 AM

Thanks for all the advice, Nolori! I wasn't expecting that.
I get your point about most of these the things you pointed out. I rushed through this story, embarrassingly, and didn't take the time to re-read it like I normally would.
I'll work on showing and not telling.
For the two periods, that was an accident.
On the part where Jesse left, an hour had already past. While I didn't put it in the story, a mistake on my part, Jesse probably would have looked around for Cora. It isn't a good thing for a best friend to do, but it was dark out and the carnival was close to shutting down so she left. Until you pointed the mistakes out, I really didn't notice all the flaws. :sweat:

Nolori
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#5
Old 08-20-2009, 05:08 PM

Totally understandable! Whenever anyone writes we kind of expect everyone to understand what's going on because we (as authors) understand it. Wouldn't life be so much easier if it just worked that way? Haha!

 


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