Hello there! Homeless vampires, huh?
I like it already!
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Originally Posted by HavenJuniperLuckett
A month ago her father had died after wasting away, from gunshot wounds.
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I have two suggestions for this sentence. One is that I don’t think you need the comma after ‘away.’
The second is that, typically, when someone is considered ‘wasting away’, it was more to do with a disease such as influenza or tuberculoses. You might change the sentence to ‘after gunshot wounds had become infected’ or something to that effect. It’s not a plot-breaking problem or anything, just a suggestion. =]
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Originally Posted by HavenJuniperLuckett
I feel as if you abandoned me!!
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I’ve never been a fan of double punctuation. One exclamation point should do the job just fine. =]
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Originally Posted by HavenJuniperLuckett
Are you ok?
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Although usually accepted in every-day speech, ‘ok’ is not actually a word. O.K. or okay are the standard terms. I’d go with ‘okay’ for this.
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Originally Posted by HavenJuniperLuckett
…but it was ok because somehow he made it work nicely.
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‘okay’
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Originally Posted by HavenJuniperLuckett
“Well to be honest,you’re sitting on my bench.”
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You missed a space between the comma and ‘you’re’. Small typo. =]
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Originally Posted by HavenJuniperLuckett
His glasses flashed in the lamplight, He smiled at her…
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I think the comma after ‘lamplight’ should be a period.
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Originally Posted by HavenJuniperLuckett
He smiled at her forgetting his vampiric teeth might not look normal to her.
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I think this sentence is odd only because there is a POV change that seems to come from nowhere. Before now, it’s all been third-person limited (to Tink) and in this sentence it changes to third-person omniscient. I’d stick with the third-person limited, or go back and make it omniscient throughout the whole story.
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Originally Posted by HavenJuniperLuckett
“A-are you a vampire?” Tink asked, trying not to panic.
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This has more to do with the kind of world Tink lives in:
Are vampires normal (and accepted by societal reality) in Tink’s world? If they are, then this makes perfect sense. If not, you would think she would have either a more violent reaction (Holy Crap! Vampire!) or not immediately think of it.
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It sounds like a great start with a pretty solid opening. Things move a bit fast for me, but if it's going to be a short(ish) story, then that makes sense. It was entertaining and easy to read.
Good work! =D