Yay, new people in the Lit. forum!
I’ve always been a little critical of second-person stories, so if I come off a little snappish, I sincerely apologize before hand.
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by WhiteSerenade
Shadows creep, darkness ensues and the only light is the
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I’m not really sure why there’s a paragraph break here. If you were going for a kind of poetic-verse form, then I guess that makes sense, but I still feel like it wasn’t poetic enough to warrant it. Especially since you don’t end at a period or comma or any kind of grammar, and you don’t seem to have done it for anything past the next sentence.
Quote:
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Originally Posted by WhiteSerenade
That is all you notice, for all around you are the depths of the dark, twisted-looking trees; yet you only notice those murderous eyes.
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I don’t quite understand how I only notice those eyes, and yet you’re describing the rest of the scene to me. If I’m going to be the main character, and I only see those eyes, I think you should ditch describing the forest scene and continue to go on about the eyes.
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Originally Posted by WhiteSerenade
Each breath you take the creature moves foward with its demonic eyes.
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This is where I think second-person worked out quite nicely. Rather than describing what I think the world looks like and what I’m doing, which seems a little unfair since I don’t have a say in it, you describe what’s
happening to me, and what’s happening around me. It gives me a sense of freedom and more of a sense of being there, instead of feeling like I’m just a puppet here.
[Also, ‘forward’ instead of ‘foward’. Just a little typo. =] ]
Quote:
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Originally Posted by WhiteSerenade
Now...
Wake up.
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I think this worked quite nicely! This feels like one of the few places you could make a command to the reader work, and you did it brilliantly.
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As un-fond as I am of second-person stories (the exception being, of course, choose-your-own adventure stories. But that’s mostly because those tend to be really funny) I actually quite like the way your write. I think you have a good grasp of the ratio of action to description.
That being said, I wish you good luck with this. I always felt that second-person is very difficult to write seriously. I think you did a good job with it when you were describing what’s going on around me rather than describing what I’m doing. (As I explained earlier.)
Good luck!