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Sakura Aoi
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#1
Old 09-16-2009, 12:42 AM

Just to let everyone know this story isn't complete. I'm just asking for opinions on how the story is looking so far and how I can improve it. Thank you all for you help.

An intense and dark presence filled the castle of Rauka. "What the hell is happening?" said a man that was running down the hallway of the beautiful castle. The man wore a long black trench coat. He had intense blue eyes, black hair, white skin tone, and a well built body. The man continued to run until he kicked down the door to the throne room. He gasped as he saw the scene of dead royal guards, councilmen, and king.
The man looked ahead from the scene and saw a woman with white wings, holding a bloody sword. The woman looked at the man with an evil smirk. "You, I-I thought you were on our side, Lady Alexus. How dare you define...?” The man gasped in pain as the sword of Lady Alexus went through him. The man coughed up blood and fell to the floor. "Be warned, Alexus. You'll be facing judgment by Lord Kaori. How dare you go against God and our ways? How dare you side with Demons!" The man said as Alexus walked off to leave him for death.
Horns honked as cars drove by. A young woman with long blonde hair and cool, ice, blue eyes walked down the street to her school. The young woman was named Sabrina. She wore a basic school uniform. Sabrina walked down the street with a sigh. 'Again...? Being different from everyone else, this feeling again?'
"Hey Sabrina! Are you day-dreaming again?" Her friend Aura said. Sabrina shook her head. "Huh? Aura...? When did you get here?" Sabrina asked as she looked about the street of Yakima. "You've really got to stop day-dreaming. It’s a dangerous thing." Aura said as they walked down the street and into their school.
"Now today, class...." The teacher of Sabrina's Math class started to say. Sabrina normally paid attention to her lessons. But today her mind was elsewhere. Sabrina was staring out the window; she kept on thinking about different she felt. 'Why...? Why do I feel like I don't belong with the people I speak to?' Sabrina thought as the bell rang for next period.
Outside the city a man with a mask over his mouth stood out in the city limits. 'I'm coming for you, Alexus.' The man thought as his bright white wings flapped behind him. The man was dressed in an un-worldly outfit. On his back he had a long sword. The man jumped and headed straight into the city.
"Sabrina. Stop with the zombie act! Sabrina!" "Oh Kenji, hey there. What do you want?" Kenji sighed. "Sabrina you've been zoning out too much today. Is everything ok?" He asked as they sat down for lunch with their friends. Everyone stared at Sabrina with concerned looks.
Sabrina sighed. "I'm sorry for concerning all of you..." She was about to continue but out of nowhere, an arrow came firing at them. Everyone ducked as the rest of the student body started screaming. "What the hell was that?" Kenji asked. "You idiot, those where arrows." Aura said.
Sabrina looked at the arrow and gasped. 'Those aren't ordinary arrows.' She thought. She got up from under the table and started running towards where she thought the source was coming from. "Sabrina! Where the hell are you going?!" Kenji shouted as Aura and another friend stopped him from giving chase. "Let go of me right now!" Kenji said. "No! It’s far too dangerous and do you want to get killed?!" Aura said.
Once outside, Sabrina came to a stop in the main hall. In the hallway was the same person that was outside the city. "Alexus, I've finally found you. I do hope you’re ready to finally perish." The man said as he slowly started to draw out his sword. "Huh? Alexus? I'm sorry sir; you must have the wrong person. My name is Sabrina." The man growled lowly. "How dare you speak to me like that? Also, don't I look familiar, Alexus?" Sabrina looked at the man. "No, I'm sorry you don't." The man growled again and then shouted. "I am Singami!! The person you failed to kill!"
Sabrina shook her head. "Sorry, you don't look familiar and I'm sorry, I'm not this Alexus you speak of." She then walked off to her next class. "Get back here and fight me!" Singami shouted as she walked off.

Roslynn Von Nightshade
Welcome, one and all. I, am Rosl...
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Roslynn Von Nightshade is offline
 
#2
Old 09-25-2009, 12:17 AM

In certain places, you repeat yourself. That in itself sounds odd when you read it...
"A young woman with long blonde hair and cool, ice, blue eyes walked down the street to her school. The young woman was named Sabrina. She wore a basic school uniform. Sabrina walked down the street with a sigh." Like that.. It sounds odd.


It's average and ordinary, but in a comfortable, well-known way. If you want it to really be creative, focus strongly in each character, and how they act. As if you were asking someone you found interesting to tell you their life story. Continuing this way, it will turn out very good, but not truly unique. If you are looking for that, that is.lol If not, that this is good.

Other than that, I enjoy the story very much.<3

 


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