View Poll Results: Do you think I'm an okay poet?
Yes 2 66.67%
No 1 33.33%
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Soriku The Ookami
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#1
Old 09-16-2009, 01:31 PM

I wish I knew where my poem book was, I have a ton more in there, but These are a few I have that I typed into word documents. I'm hoping that copying from there isnt going to count as doing something wrong. Um, I guess I'll post them one or two at a time, dependant on length, and wait for feedback before posting more. Well, these are the first two.

Disappeared
By: Soriku The Ookami

I feel so unnoticed
I feel so alone
It’s hard to have to sit here
With no one there to hold

The people all around me
Have roses they can keep
But mine seems to have wilted
With petals that don’t speak

I’ve called your name many times in the past
But the reply has always been declined
I’ve sat here hoping the pain wouldn’t last
But I fear I’m stuck here in these times

I thought you’d be my teddy bear
But now it seems that you don’t care
I wish that I could have you here
Even though you’ve disappeared

The Spear
By: Soriku the Ookami

I looked up lightly at the moon
It’s smirking face giving light to the gloom
But then what I saw was a grand black spear
Tainted red by the blood of the years

The tip turned Crimson as my finger was nicked
And the blood trickled down as it slithered and slicked
I followed the line, colored bright by the moonlight
And thought of all the things that had gone wrong in my life

I heard the sound of a gunshot and time seemed distant and slight
I heard a scream as it pierced through the cold grey night
Then I came to find in a last halting gasp
That the voice had been me as the bullet flew past

I looked at the moon as I fell to the ground
Then turned to the spear to see blood trickle down
So I’ve come to find on a moon lit night
When you see the black spear, you’ve just lost the fight

Please give me some feedback on how to maybe make them better.

Last edited by Soriku The Ookami; 09-17-2009 at 01:38 AM..

QueenJazzmen
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#2
Old 09-16-2009, 01:56 PM

thats pretty good hun.

Soriku The Ookami
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#3
Old 09-16-2009, 01:58 PM

Any insight on how I could make them better?

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#4
Old 09-16-2009, 02:02 PM

i think they are just fine the way they are.

Soriku The Ookami
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#5
Old 09-16-2009, 02:11 PM

Cool. I'm gonna wait for a few days before posting anything else, to give other people time to look them over. I have a ton though.

aeroshaker
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#6
Old 09-17-2009, 03:47 PM

Overall I think you do well. Out of the two I would have to say that the second one appeals to me more.

I never was much of one for free verse poems, and the first one, Disappeared, seems like it is one, so that could be why the first doesn't seem to me favorable for me.
It just does not seem to flow to well after the second stanza, that is the second half does not seem to me like it actually belongs with the first half. I do like the two last lines of the last stanza though.
Maybe if you cut out the "in the past" on the first line in the thrid stanza; and the last line in the same stanza feels like its missing something. And on the fourth stanza you might wanna put in another word on the second line, I liked "just" in there.

The spear really grasps my attention, maybe due to it telling a story, or it could be the way that you start it off. I like the "smirking face" of the moon. Over all I think this poem was done well.

(Sorry if I don't make any sense, or am to harsh, or to unknowledgable. I am just exspressing my thoughts. Hopefully they are of some help.)

Soriku The Ookami
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#7
Old 09-17-2009, 10:33 PM

Yeah the first one is sloppy. The ryhme scheme is abcb and the last stanza isnt reall my favorite either. I'm not a big free verse poem person either. I like to rhyme just a little a least. Thank you for th input. I prefer The Spear over the other as well.

Soriku The Ookami
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#8
Old 09-21-2009, 03:55 AM

Anymore critique? I wanted maybe one more before I posted another poem.

 


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