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S!gmund
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S!gmund is offline
 
#1
Old 09-27-2009, 09:11 PM

Untitled

A water droplet the size of a grain of rice,
letting gravity bring its body down slowly,
time seems not to exist to this lucky fellow,
as time progresses it seems to still be going,
as if magic suspends its life to a long and prosperous time.

Why can I not live like you little drop?
Why must my life stop so short?
You exist through the centuries,
I can only last through a couple.
My body so very complex,
and yours is but a simple compound.

I cannot be jealous of you droplet,
You amaze me so,
You are only but a picture droplet,
and that's something I must let go.
____________________________________________
For some reason I don't understand this poem and I made it.
It was like mentally all this stuff was bottled in so I made it.
Feedback is wanted;also if you understand it or not.
-Thanks

For-Chan Cookie
A Cookie for Fun
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#2
Old 10-01-2009, 10:07 AM

Let me start by saying that if you don't know what you are saying in the poem, we're screwed XD As the poet, it is your job to convey meaning. Putting down a few random and obscure thoughts that occurred to you one day feels like it's cheating. It feels like you have this idea that poetry must be obscure to be poetry? I could be totally wrong. But ultimately, if you don't know what you're telling us, it feels like a lost poem with no meaning.

From the beginning, you sort of contradict yourself, talking about gravity bringing the drop down, but then you turn and time doesn't exist, which to me means that the drop has stopped moving. You can't move without time right? But then time IS moving again and then in the next line magic is suspending it as if it's stopped again. Confusing! Are we moving or not? You don't even say what the drop is on. A leave? Is it one of those long water channeling type leaves? Or maybe it's cup shaped so the water will stay there till it evaporates? Telling us about the leaf and deciding if the water is moving or not would help.

Moving away from the time issue, in the second part, I was almost sure you'd go for a comparison of the complex human with a mind to the simple water with none. After all, what thinking human would want to turn into a mindless one of many? But you didn't. But as you said, you're not sure what you're going for, so it's hard to go anywhere.

I think you have potential, you just have to decide what you're trying to say first. I know people like to think all poetry is totally open to interpretation, but it is up to the poet to tell us something. You can certainly leave parts to interpretation, but the whole thing?

 


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