-mock mock mock-
No, I jest. Your grammar really isn’t that bad and certainly not detrimental enough to hurt the story. (There is a tense issue, but I’ll talk about that after the crit.) There were only a couple things I noticed that were really related to technical grammar.
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Originally Posted by Shiabelle
… awkward, you never missed it.
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I’d change the comma to a semi-colon.
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Originally Posted by Shiabelle
Stretched out across a divan he stares dazedly at the ceiling now, his eyes were vacant and yet the slight upturn of his lips that represented a smile still remained.
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The tense seems to randomly change from past to present here.
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Originally Posted by Shiabelle
Through the eyes of Winter there most certainly was something- we just know not what.
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I understand you’re going for a sense of puzzle and mystery about Winter here, but I feel this sentence over does it a little. I think if you drop it the whole paragraph will seem less ‘in your face’ about how mysterious he is.
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Originally Posted by Shiabelle
Moving around uncomfortably, the black haired young man folds his legs up against his chest in an awkward display of long limbs and angles.
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I love the image this creates. There’s another tense change here, though.
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Originally Posted by Shiabelle
His eyes were glaring just beyond the cup, the stormy-blue irises glowing.
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Are his blue irises glowing or are there floating irises beyond the cup?
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Originally Posted by Shiabelle
The tea cup bobs slightly and floats down to the table in front of the divan, clacking lightly on the wooden surface.
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Another tense shift to present.
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Originally Posted by Shiabelle
Winter twirls his long braid between his fingers trying to distract himself and requests of the nonexistent figure, “Yes, thank you- now kindly leave.”
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Tense change.
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Originally Posted by Shiabelle
His smile wavers for a moment s the cup…
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‘as the cup’, yeah? Just a tiny typo.
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Originally Posted by Shiabelle
Puzzled and alarmed he laughs at himself nervously and stands up, hurrying away from the room.
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And here it goes from all being present, back to past with ‘puzzled and alarmed’. I think I’ve made my point about it though, so I’m not going to mention it again unless it really confuses me about what’s actually happening.
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Originally Posted by Shiabelle
Winter looks about distraught for a moment…
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Meaning that
he is distraught for a moment or that his
look is distraught?
If it’s the first, which I think it is, I’d add a comma after ‘about’ to smooth the sentence over.
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Originally Posted by Shiabelle
…this was his odd attempt at regaining his composure.
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I really like that his awkward sitting is his comfort zone (I do something like that too, actually), but I don’t think you need this part of the sentence. Let us (as the readers) figure out why he does it. It makes ‘interacting’ with the character more fun, and therefore more fun to read.
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Originally Posted by Shiabelle
Elsewhere in the house a door opens and in enters a young and beautiful blond…
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Does this mean that Miss Falcon is currently walking through the house to get to Winter, or that she is walking into the study? I’d drop this and just describe her as she came into the room.
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Originally Posted by Shiabelle
…and sighing she crosses her arms, “What in God's name are you doing?”
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I’d drop this into it’s own paragraph since she’s begun to speak.
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Originally Posted by Shiabelle
…but it was- in its own way- beautiful and lovely.
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I think the sentence would have more of a punch if you cut out one of the two adjectives; either ‘beautiful’ or ‘lovely’. I like the rest of the sentence though.
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Originally Posted by Shiabelle
… into the color-bursting garden surrounding the house.
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There isn’t anything actually wrong with the sentence. But I think ‘the garden bursting with color that surrounded the house’, might be better than ‘color-bursting’. But that’s a personal preference, so it’s totally your call.
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Originally Posted by Shiabelle
She smiles inwardly and looks about the large flowering trees that formed a tunnel, raining pink and white petals.
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This confused me a little. Whose smiling and whose not smiling? I felt like there was a lot of ‘he’ and ‘she’ and ‘smiling’ all over the place in the paragraph and it threw me off.
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Originally Posted by Shiabelle
…he could see the shadows walking...all of them walking without notice of eachother…
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Your ellipses after ‘walking’ need a space to show that ‘walking’ and ‘all’ aren’t supposed to be part of the same word.
Also, ‘each other’ is two separate words. Tiny typo.
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You seem to have some issues with tenses. Sentences switch back and forth between past and present tense and the piece a little confusing. I can still tell what’s going on, but I can’t tell
when. I crit’d the piece assuming you would want past tense, as is the norm for most fiction, but you could theoretically change it all to present if you want too. Basically, I think it would just be best served if it was one or the other.
If you are really having trouble with figuring it out, tell me which tense you want (past or present) and I will point out the places you need to switch it up. =]
I really liked the story over all and I would like to know more about Winter. I hope you write more about him!