This is my first exercise in sketches (right name????) about love. About anything, really.
Well, first on here, anyway.

Sketch one: Points of Light

Jayda closed the door of her locker and sighed. She'd finally told Erin she liked him, and he turned her down. Not that she really liked him, not really. It was easier to fake to like him, though, then to admit she liked her best friend. Or to admit that Erin would just be another excuse, another escape.

As soon as she thought that he appeared behind her, silent as always. Jace's black emo-ish hair fell in his eyes, covering their blue sparkle. "Hey," he said, his customary greeting.

A lock of strawberry-blond hair fell from behind Jayda's ear, and he reached out a hand to tuck it back. "Hey," Jayda replied, color flooding her face. She turned away quickly so he wouldn't see it.

"You ready to go?" he asked, reaching for the bag and books in her arms. He was forever doing things like that, and it just made it harder for her to convince herself they needed to remain friends. "Remember, we need to get to Pizza Hut early so the rest of them don't steal all the chairs and order without us like last time."

"Uhm....." She looked through the books held in Jace's arm, looking for anything that was missing. "One more thing. I have to run down to the art room."

She didn't, really. She just wanted an excuse to get away from Jace, away from the words that bubbled up and threatened to overflow every time she was alone with him. She ran down the hall and stopped around the corner, trying to collect herself before she went back to him.

And suddenly he was behind her again. "The art room's the other way, you know."

A sob broke loose from her chest, and she slid down the wall to the cold hallway floor. Her thick-soled shoes left back skid marks, which normally irritated her, but right now she didn't care. Nothing mattered except the overwhelming cold depression eating away at everything.

Jace pulled her up from the ground and turned her to face him. "Jayda, what's wrong?"

Another sob ripped it's way out, leaving an aching hole she wasn't sure would ever be filled. "It's just... I just...." She couldn't say anymore, as the tears slid down her face and the weight of all her sorrow threatened to choke her.

Jace grabbed her suddenly, and pulled her to his chest in a rough but tender hug. "Jayd, really, what's wrong?"

She looked up then, and saw the tenderness in his crystal-blue eyes. "Jace, I.... I...."

"Come on, spit it out," he said with a slight smile.

"I love you, Jace," she finally managed. "I've always loved you. And I know you don't love me too, and I know I don't deserve you, but...."

Jace stopped her with a sudden and forceful kiss. Jayda's eyes fluttered closed, and her arms slipped around his back. However, within a second she was back to her senses.

Pulling back, she looked Jace in the eyes, tears still flooding hers. "Don't. Don't kiss me if you don't mean it. Don't kiss me just to make me feel better."

Jace laughed then, tenderness still in his eyes. "Jayda, silly... I do love you. So much that it hurts. I just thought... I just thought that since you never said anything, you didn't love me back. But I guess I was being stupid."

He pulled back, holding her at arm's length. "I've always loved you. Everyone has people who make everything light up even when it's all total darkness... everyone has their points of light."

"Jayda, you are my point of light."

Your writing style kind of reminds me of mine! I noticed one thing that I do a lot that I usually have to go back and fix.

A story like this is one short roller coaster of emotion, of the slow start, the build up, the explosion, and the end. Some unnecessary information detracts from some of the big moments.

Example:

A sob broke loose from her chest, and she slid down the wall to the cold hallway floor. Her thick-soled shoes left back skid marks, which normally irritated her, but right now she didn't care.

Jace pulled her up from the ground and turned her to face him. "Jayda, what's wrong?"

To me, the pace was picking up when you had her collapse, full of that desperate and passionate emotion. But then you stopped to describe her shoes before continuing the building up, explosive emotional action, which really pulled me out of the moment.

I do that a lot, kind of over explaining things, and I see others do it too.

Yeah, I think I do that because I tend to think my writing is under-detailed...... so near the end I'll realize that and try to pack in as much detail as I can- hence the sparkling eyes, the overly detailed way I talk about her excuses, and the skid marks...
Do I overuse the word "suddenly"???? I hate that word because there's barely any other word to use that sounds right..... T_T

(I changed it to make it fit..... does that paragraph work better now???)

It is hard to find a direct synonym for "suddenly". If you change your sentence structure, you can do it more easily. Lemme find some examples in your story and try to work from there.. Let's see.. You only used the word twice in this story! I guess that might be good or bad, considering the length. I'll try to use those two to show you..

She ran down the hall and stopped around the corner, trying to collect herself before she went back to him.
And suddenly he was behind her again. "The art room's the other way, you know."

Without allowing her even a moment's reprieve, he was behind her again...
Without warning he was behind her again.
He was behind her again in a rush.
As if she'd never moved, he was behind her again.
"The art room's the other way you know." He was already behind her again!

Jace grabbed her suddenly, and pulled her to his chest in a rough but tender hug. "Jayd, really, what's wrong?"

Jace's hands darted to grab her arms and pull her to his chest in a rough but tender hug.
He grabbed her and pulled her to him in a hug that was rough but somehow tender.


My brain just broke! I hope those examples helped!

Thank you so much!! I always have so many issues trying to find a synonym for suddenly..... I guess I just don't look at other ways of writing it. When I write sentences down, I completely blank on any other way the sentence can be structured.

Yeah I get that way too. That's why when I have the creative itch, I just write, I let it all come out! My 12th grade English teacher called this "word vomit". You calm down and then go back and trim it down and sculpt it into something readers can also comprehend.

I think your paragraph that you edited a bit flows a little better now and you have a better defined pace. ^^

Thanks.... and yeah, word vomit. I'll go back over stories I wrote even a month ago and say, "What the hell? Why did I write that??" And change almost everything except for the plot.
I kind of think a lot of writers do that, though.

Yes they do, especially the good ones. There is a lot more to sculpting good writing than a rough draft and final draft. There is so much in between that can't even be classified. It's like a cross between a rough and an outline.