(Are peas serious with the kids anymore? Anyway...)

I feel bad. Bad bad bad bad bad. So bad my head could explode? Most likely.

Oh people of Mene, I have a problem involving the male gender. Two of the male gender, to be more precise, and simply putting myself into this pickle makes me feel horrid. >>

I am...more or less stuck between two men. Rather than go into a large lament, I'm going to list them out here:

Male number 1: There's nothing #1 does more than make me feel...ordinary. In a good way, of course. Being around him fills me with this wholesome sort of feeling. I could imagine growing old with him in a pleasant house we settle down in, me spending all my time writing my books and raising children while he's out at the office. We've been in a relationship for a long time, and are actually engaged. He makes me smile like nobody else can, and even when we have problems we've begun to learn how to talk them out. We've been very, very happy with each other. A majority of our relationship has been online, however, save a year he came to live here. He went back to his home 7 hours away at the start of August because he could gain some free college in his home town. At first we were talking about him being gone for only a year, but lately he's been trying to talk me into moving to Tennessee instead. More than once he's told me he doesn't want to leave home to come to Missouri again, but really? As scary as it is, it's fine with me. Being with him would be worth it to me. I would gladly abandon my friends and family to be whisked away with him. I've started to worry about the condition of our relationship, because I haven't had an actual conversation with him for over a month. He's told me that his room mates stopped paying the phone bill and don't have any wifi, and I've gotten one or two IM messages while I've been offline saying 'I miss you,' but I'm paranoid. He's far away, hardly contacting me (whether able to or not) and I'm left stewing away. I'm not sure I can handle this for an entire year, even if I do visit for a week like I plan on in the winter if I can afford it, because now that I've entered and experienced a loving physical relationship for a year I know what I'm missing. I don't just miss him, I miss all the aspects of really being in a relationship. Hugging, kissing, snuggling, but more importantly having someone to come to when you're truly sad, and having someone you trust with your darkest secrets. I miss having someone to go to when I cry, rather than having to sit alone and remember having his arms around me. I can't stand waking up every day after a dream about him, realizing it'll be so achingly, painfully long before I see him. He makes me happy and loved, and I would live forever with him in a heartbeat, but distance is harder to cope with after having someone to have and hold in my arms for a year.

Male number B*: #B has been one of my good friends since I first moved from my old town into my new one. (In fact, he was there the first day my first friend had the gall to move to sit near me at lunch, and may have been the whole reason she did.) Whereas #1 reminds me of the simple, fun, pleasant little things in life all people seek, #B is like me in so many ways. I'm a restless sort of person, who wants to travel from place to place and learn everything. I could imagine settling down and sacrificing my dreams for love with #1, but I know #B like an open book, and the same from him to me. He's the sort of person who would gladly come with me on any adventure (he's done a lot of crazy stuff with me over the years xD ) and, like me, laugh after it all goes to hell and we almost die, but barely make it out like the idiots we are. #B and I are connected in a lot of ways people can't quite understand, and, while I could imagine life without #1, even if I got married to #1 and we settled down to live a happy family I couldn't imagine not having #B around to go be my companion on some stupid adventure. He's been the man at my side for four years now, and we've watched people come and go, shrugged and then talked about something nobody else could understand in a cliche styled witty banter you only expect to see in movies. We've spent that entire time telling people we 'aren't attracted to each other in that way', and it's really true, just not in the way people could expect. We're perfect for each other with our personalities and intellect, but for some reason I can't imagine doing anything physical with him, and I don't think he could imagine doing the same. He's not ugly (rather, I find them both very attractive men - I'm vain) but I just couldn't see us doing anything beyond a hug or holding hands. Not to mention: we aren't dating, and although I'm certain the feelings aren't one sided (I felt guilty after a bit of shameless flirting today. >> ) I'm not eager to lose a relationship that's nice for one that could potentially be true happiness. If I were single I'd be taking risks like that all over the place, but should one sacrifice just because the grass looks greener? #B and I have never had a real fight, even when we disagree we talk it out and shrug. Not to mention, #1 doesn't like any of the same movies or music as I do (I know this isn't a big deal, I don't mind living with someone with different tastes, it just makes listening to the radio or picking a movie to watch hard. Our tastes overlap, but not much) while #B and I have almost the exact same tastes with just a few differences. (And he knows why I just can't take Rammstein seriously. =P) Did I mention that even though we're just friends, next year when he graduates (I dropped and got my GED, so although we're the same age I got out a year early) he plans on going to a college in the same town I'm going to college in so that we can actually hang out more?

In non-rambly terms for those of you who don't want to see the detailed text wall above and want the very very basics:

I'm basically stuck between two people-
One is my fiance, who I could imagine a normal sane life with. You know, picket fence, neck kissing, stupid random fun and some cute kids. To live with him I'd have to move hundreds of miles away to a strange place, and won't be able to keep proper contact with him for quite possibly the remainder of the year. However, I feel like it would be worth it for the world we could make, even if it would be tough in the beginning.

The other is one of my good friends, who I could imagine living a grand, insane sort of life with, full of travel, adventure and hard work combined with giggle fits. Maybe 8 or 9 years down the line we'd start talking about kids once we're financially stable and got our marriage handled. We'd be crazy, no doubt horrible neighbors, and spend our lives writing novels together, planning food for his restaurant and visiting museums and orchestras for a bit of the classy fun after exploring the outdoors. To do this I have to sacrifice the solid footing I have now with someone who makes me happy for someone who has the chance (slim as it is) to turn me down, who I can't even imagine kissing with tongue.

Either live a sane, sensible life I have before me, or take the risk and get the life I've honestly always dreamed of?

I figure you guys don't want to make the choice for me, but I just wanted your opinions on the matter. I've never, ever been stuck with teen drama in all my years, and I moan that as soon as I begin to flee that point in my life I get bitch slapped by super drama that makes my head explode.

So, what do you think?

(Sorry this was so long! D: I just wanted to give you guys as much information as I could is all!
-dies-)


*A poor attempt at humor or me being stupid? You decide!**

** (Well, obviously the former because I bothered to point it out without correcting it. xP)

The grass is always greener on the other side...or so they say. (Normally I would tell people to try and get a bit of both sides of the field if they can, but in the case of love... er, no. Just one side is probably in your best interest! :lol: Otherwise you'll set a wildfire on anything you might have had.)

Seriously though...

So if I'm understanding you correctly, "A" will give you security and stability (and happiness too), but you're feeling that "B" would give probably give you fulfillment with excitement and a connection on a really deep level--someone with your own interests and passions about life?

Hm. Normal/Stability versus Unknown/Passion/Self-Expression.

I don't know what I'd do personally. I think that there is a lot to be said for stability, but I also know the gnawing at one's core when there "could be more to life". I took a great risk to be with my husband, and perhaps like B would be, he and I share similar interests and go everywhere together. He's not "just regular"; he's my spontaneous explosion of life.

Dreams are important. What if you take your picket fence and 20 years down the road stagnate and burn out because you never took that chance? Can you envision your life without A, even if you might want your dreams fulfilled by B, should B work out?

It sounds like you have a lot of soul-seeking to do. All I can say is, listen to your gut. If you think that for a minute you'll want complete fulfillment later on in life, and A isn't the type of guy to go along with you... then be kind to him and break it off.

I wouldn't even break it off with A because you think you'd get B. Does this make sense? If anything needs to be broken, do it because you want more out of life, not because there will be a safety net to catch you.

I wish you luck. It sounds like a tough one.

NA

Chi is right. People want most what they can't have.

From experience I can tell you that what your are feeling about your fiancee is normal, and the lack of contact is definitely unhealthy. A physical relationship is extremely important for a generally well-rounded, healthy relationship. You need to find a way to get ahold of him long enough to tell him that he needs to make it easier for you to, well, get ahold of him. You should be having conversations at least once a week (personally I'd prefer once a day). If he doesn't have phone or internet, fine, he wants to blame it on his roomies, fine, but he can get a pay-as-you-go phone for hella cheap and he can use his minutes just on you and not give anyone else the number (perhaps this would make a good christmas gift?).

Long-distance relationships have a high failure rate for a reason, and you're going through it. Guy B is there for you when Guy 1 isn't, so naturally you develop feelings for Guy B.

You sound relatively young, so you've got time to burn. Stay with Guy 1, and try to get some better lines of communication open with him. He deserves the chance, and so do you. If he pushes back, that's your cue to exit stage left.

Unfortunately I'm still stuck. I've spent the past few days flopping around pathetically (except for yesterday, which was very, very eventful) and feeling both guilty and frustrated by the situation.

Chi-

One of the main reasons I haven't just made a move for #B is that exact saying. I know there's a good chance I'm just envying what I don't have, and I'm trying to make sure what the best choice is. As you know it's not very easy.

Well, you spelled it out pretty much. One brings out my sense and sensibility, while the other does the opposite. I wish it were an easy choice to make. x.o Thanks for the luck, at least. It seems I'm gonna need it.

ahill-

#1 isn't just 'a guy' and I doubt if I abandoned him I could just pick up another one whenever I needed. I'm difficult to deal with for long periods of time, and it takes a special kind of talent to endure me. I'm willing to admit I'm not the most fun person at times.

Keyori-

I would have sent him a card I bought that would give him about 200 minutes for use on any payphone, but he hasn't given me his address yet. I know that it's because he's forgetful, but I just can't help but worry that it may be deliberate. I'm certain it's just my paranoia, of course.

>> frankly, my parents think that #1 isn't good enough for me because he's a bit irresponsible. That aspect of his personality never really bugs me until times like these when he forgets to send me his address so we can keep in contact in any freakin' form. -facepalm-

Long-distance relationships have a high failure rate for a reason, and you're going through it. Guy B is there for you when Guy 1 isn't, so naturally you develop feelings for Guy B.

Actually, #B is currently living 2 hours away as well. By the end of the year he'll be living in the same town as me (which I won't be living in if I stick with #1, anyway, because I'll be going a state away) but for now he's almost as hard to contact as #1. The only difference is that #B has a cell phone so we spend a lot of time texting. So although it's true that #B is more there for me than #1, he's not actually there for me.

Since #1 is gone and my best friend is going through her own issues I've been turning a lot with my problems lately to #B, and so it's a little frustrating with this issue, because I have nobody I feel comfortable knowing about this besides people I don't know.

Safe to say it only makes the problem worse.

This is tricky. Before I start I want to say that I know the old thought that long distance relationships are hard/impossible. I also noticed your age. Saying B is your same age and is this year graduating means that you're probably 18, and most people will assume you are too young to make a big decision or think about marriage, etc.

But. I'm 20 years old in January. I have a 10 month old daughter. I have a husband I have been with since we met in an online game (Final Fantasy XI) in 2004. Our relationship was purely long distance until he moved out in 2007. He lived in Colorado and I lived in Pennsylvania.

I know the statistics but I also know the possibilities. It is up to you whether you want to become another long distance relationship statistic or not. It's hella-hard. It's torturous. It's tempting to a point you think about unfaithfulness enough to make you feel as guilty as if you had actually done anything. It's 100% awful. That's the truth.

Your situation is hard. I really don't know what kind of advice to give you. I mean, you're engaged to the first guy. Why did you decide you wanted to marry him and why have you lost sight of that goal of eternity just the two of you?

I also noticed something. Your long description of both guys.. For guy A, you listed a lot of negative qualities to your relationship. For guy B, I don't even remember one negative. It was all positive. What does that mean?

My response to these problems is always not what anyone wants to hear. If you cant choose between the two of them, then you probably shouldn't choose anyway. Don't get me wrong, sometimes my eyes wander to other guys than my boyfriend and I wonder what life would be like with them...but that's where it stops. I don't get all crazy with it. You know what I mean?

If you can't decide which guy is best for you, maybe you need to take a little more time and get to know YOU first. Typically when problems like this arise in a relationship it has nothing to do with the other guy. Not really. It has something to do with the person questioning what they want. Meaning, they need to get to know themselves a bit better.

It sounds like you'd possibly have a more exciting life with the second guy, but it also sounds like you're not in love with him. You'd probably be better off staying with the first guy. You're already engaged and everything (although if you're at the age you'd normally just be leaving high school, you're a bit young to be engaged. I'm kind of under the impression people don't take being engaged very seriously anymore as well). As far as the long distance relationship is concerned, I know how that is. It's a pain in the butt, but sometimes it's all worth it. My boyfriend and I take turns visiting each other when we can, and I know what I'm missing when we aren't together, but I'd never leave him over it. He makes me happy and I can't imagine being with someone else. I'm just hoping he finishes with college soon so we can finally get started on a life together. Of course, I am able to talk to him online everyday and if I wasn't able to do that, I'd probably go crazy. I don't suppose you have any sort of option of moving where he is, but if that would be a possible option it's something you could consider. I think if my boyfriend didn't live with his parents, who don't really like me and who I don't think I'd want to live with long term, I'd consider living with him and doing my college classes online or something.

As for this second guy, it sounds like he is a good friend but you don't seriously consider him relationship material. You get along great with him but he's a best friend. If you can't imagine having any sort of physical relationship with him, I don't know how you'd expect to spend your life together. It sounds like it would turn into something awkward once things got more serious. Plus if the relationship failed or ended up not being what you were expecting, it could endanger the great friendship you have with him. If you were single, I'd say risk it anyway, but since you're already in a relationship, you'd risk losing two relationships, both the romantic and the friendship, by doing this. If he's really a good friend, you should be able to maintain that as a lifelong friendship, therefore being able to marry the guy you love but keep your good friend in your life as well.

It is, of course, up to you to figure out which one you would be more happy with. But I personally don't think you should go with the second guy unless you are sure you'd be happier with him.

Hey, I live in Tennessee! :D Hm, honestly you need to spend some time by yourself and think about this seriously. If you can't imagine kissing #B with tongue... how will you two ever make babies?! XD And if guy #1 can't even scrape up some change to use at a payphone to tell you his address then... how could you trust him with something more important like... YOUR FAMILY FUNDS OR AN INFANT? So yes, you have some thinking to do i believe. Don't go for another guy just because yours left town but also, if you think it may be true love with #B then don't just let him go. talk to him. Talk to your fiance too. (If you can...) -___-

If you do not have any feelings whatsoever with B, other than really good friends, then you shouldn't be with him. You even said, you cannot imagine yourself kissing him or let alone have sex with him. There's no spark there -- just the thrill of the unknown adventure.

How come you cannot ask your fiance to do wild things with you? There has to be a give and take, even if you don't share the same interests -- atleast your fiance should make the effort to try out your interests together, knowing that it'll make you happy.

Distance is hard so hang in there, you'll end up all the more stronger.

Also, you should never break up with someone while you're still in love with them. What would happen if you dumped your fiance now, and went out with B. Then sometime later find out that B is more of a best guy friend or more of a brotherly love than a romantic love?

You'd kick yourself for losing your fiance and even if you and B would go back to being the same old, things won't really BE the same between you two.

I think what you should do, is point blank ask B if he has any romantic interest in you...any at all. If B says he sees you as a sister type of person, let it go and enjoy the idea that when your fiance isn't there with you, atleast you have B and your friends to keep you company.