So, all of a sudden, I had the urge to write a story...and I also meet a bunch of new friends at the same time. So I combined them. I have ideas for this story, but I've noticed that I can't go to far at a time into a story or it will mash together and be horrible. So I want your opinions on this much. At the moment, I care not to much about misspelling grammar etc. But more on the story plot..well at this point it's not noticeable, but...
So, tell me what you think of this start of my story, if you wish you can leave editing suggestions/questions. Anything...CEPT! [I hate it! So stupid!]ect.

Chocolate~~By AIR~~
“You look amazingly bubbly!” Exclaimed Nancy, twirling me around in front of the mirror.
“I don’t know, what if--” Nancy cut me off with a simple glare, I knew what she was about to say...
“You know you are beautiful, don’t doubt yourself so.” She came a stood behind me, looking over my shoulder. “He’ll love it, darling.” She flipped her short red hair over her shoulder and walked over to the jewelry box sitting on the bed. There was only a bunk bed, a wardrobe, and a desk in the room, which both Nancy and I shared for time being. Nancy spent some time looking for the right necklace, but when she found it…it was well worth the wait.
It was a small mahogany color gem, on a thin gold chain. It gleamed in the dim light of the room.
“The exact shade of your hair, but just enough so it can pop perfectly.” She smiled slightly and fastened the hook in the back. “He’ll love you.” She repeated. I looked at myself in the mirror, brown-red hair, big brown eyes, only a slight curve at the waist, I am proud of my size! I turned both directions slowly letting the small gem catch the light. I gathered my hair, letting two locks of hair fall from the bunch, put the rest up in a tight bun, slightly teasing my bangs.
“See!” said Nancy standing up and walking over to me from her bed. “Your hair is now beautiful, you know what you’re doing.” She smiled; I turned from the mirror to face her with a smile.
“I love you!” I say as I lean into hug her.
“I love you too. Now, we shan’t kept your date waiting dear.” With that she took my hand and headed towards the door.

-----------------------------à

Nancy stops at the steps and turns me around, “Make sure to have fun tonight angel!” she hugs me again and I step forward, “Why again can’t you come?” I already know the answer, but I’m stalling, she knows it.
“No more questions, now go, it’s rude to keep a gentleman waiting.” She turns to go back down the hall. I’m left alone at the top of the steps, I slowly go down the stairs, almost holding my breathe, then I see him. Beautiful as ever, standing at the bottom of the stairs looking up at me with his blue-gray eyes. Of course, since I was holding my breath, I gasp. I walk down the last few stairs to him.
“Did I startle you lovely?” he asks as he hooks his arm in mine. I blush and shake my head. He smiles and leads me to the dance hall.

۩ ۩ ۩ ۩ ۩

I hear a sound from my bedside, an electric buzzing of sorts. I turn and look to see my alarm clock flashing the time. I turn it off a roll over thinking of the memories. Hating remembering anything from the past, I get out of bed and get dressed. Another casual day, doing nothing but to go walking in the forest. The old castle like mansion has plenty of things to do in it, like looking behind the thousands of doors. I’ve lived in the mansion for three years and only found my room and the bathroom, not to mention the front door and dinning room. I decide to explore the castle for awhile,


I realize it's not a lot, but if I've made something unclear I can fix it easier now than if I went further....Thank You:angel:

i think it is a good start.

I like your opening.... it hooks the reader right away, and your characters have very definite personalities from the beginning. I'd really like to read more of this!!!!

I would replace 'you are' with 'you're' the way it is now reads like you can't decide weather to write their speech formally or not. Also It seems like your missing words in places. other than that its pretty good.

Nice looking avatar and post... Looking to make some friends here.

It seems like an interesting story. How long are you gonna make it?

@Kayxx; I don't know really, I know that it's going to be at least 38 chapters [lucky number] and that it will continue into a second book altogether.
The story is kind of based on real life so, as stuff happens in my life, I fit it into the story somehow....well, some of the events/feelings are from real life. [No, me and my friends are not vampires...lol[wait, you didnt hear that! Not supposed to find that out til later!]]