I would tell them. In fact, most likely I would adopt a child that was old enough to know, or understand that. But if I did happen to take care, or adopt a child or toddler, they would know from the beginning.

I know that it can be hard, but I would want them to understand that I love them and that it doesn't matter if I gave birth to them or not. Still, the whole situation isn't exactly what any child would call ideal, but if they knew about their adoption, perhaps they could think of it that way.

As for the original parents coming around, I would like a long, serious conversation in private with them before deciding to let them around my child or what not. It would make me nervous no doubt, but it could also make the child uncomfortable. I think I'd wait for the child to decide whether or not he/she'd like to meet them. Or if they even did. That's how I'd decide on that situation.

You don't really know what you would do. I know a girl personally who was adopted and didn't know that she was until she was sixteen. Then only, when she asked. I would say that it would depend on the circumstances of the adoption. If you adopted the child as an infant I would wait until they are old enough to understand the concept of what adoption is; and that it has not baring on rather they where loved or not by their birth parents.

At some point, they have to be told. There's no way around it. What happens if they become ill? They give a false family medical history?

I don't know what age is appropriate for that sort of disclosure - it probably depends on the specific situation: whether the adoption was open or closed, whether or not there was abuse/neglect involved, whether or not there are developmental/emotional disorders present... in an ideal situation, it's not something I would want to hide from a child, no matter how old they are - but rarely is the situation ideal.

I have a few friends that were adopted, and each of them where told. I think it's about the way you tell them.
One of my friends were told "You're adopted" and just sent to school. He was devasted, and cried. And then his mom told him he was a baby ):
My other friend was sat down, and told. She was given a lot of time to taken it in, and was really soothed into it.

I think a kid should know. There really isn't a reason for me. It's just how I feel.

Originally Posted by The Cheshire Cat

I know that it can be hard, but I would want them to understand that I love them and that it doesn't matter if I gave birth to them or not.

...

As for the original parents coming around, I would like a long, serious conversation in private with them before deciding to let them around my child or what not. It would make me nervous no doubt, but it could also make the child uncomfortable.\

Why would you be nervous if it doesn't matter if you gave birth to them or not?

@Sophist - I would be nervous if the original parents wanted to see the kid, not anything else. Like, how would that effect the kid...? Would they want to meet their original parents?

I know that if I was adopted, I wouldn't want to meet my real mother.

Don't feel bad Cheshire. My mom was adopted and she still has no desire to know her real family. My grandma never had to tell her. My mom just knew that she wasn't related to her parents, or any of her brothers.

I plan on adopting, and yes I would tell my kid(s). Depending on their maturity level, I would probably tell them somewhere between 13-17.... If my kids wanted to, they could meet their biological parents, but theres no way I would force a stranger like that into their lives. It would almost feel cruel to. "hey kids, these are the people that didn't want you." No. Thats not fair for anyone.

I'd have to tell, because I'm not going to adopt a child just because he or she looks like she could be my own child.

At what point would I tell? It depends. It's a long way off for me, so I don't think I could hash out all the hypothetical situations.

Originally Posted by Keyori

I'd have to tell, because I'm not going to adopt a child just because he or she looks like she could be my own child.

Seconded. I would love to adopt, and while I most likely won't be able to (many states have passed laws or are considering passing laws forbidding gays and single parents from adopting, and I am the first and will most likely be the second), there's a very good chance the child I adopt will look absolutely nothing like me. It would probably really mess the kid up if I didn't tell her and she just eventually figured out on her own what really happened.

I imagine I'd probably tell her as soon as she was old enough to understand the concept of adoption, but before she was exposed to all the negative ideas people have about it. That way, I could make it very clear to her that although I am not her biological mother, I love her and our relationship is exactly like that between a mother and child who are related by blood.

I have a friend that was adopted and she knew her birth family. Even now her adopted mom lets her see her parents. In fact the girl had a brother that was adopted by the same family. They both are in college and still communicate with their parents and love their adopted parents. I think its really cool that they got new and better families. I would also try to tell my child about their actual parents if I knew who they are.

You have to, at some point. There is no way around that, my mom is adopted, and her brother is, too. Her parents told her when she was younger, she still wanted to know her biological history, even if not meet her parents.

Also my cousins are adopted as well, and I"m sure they were told, too.

I know I would tell my children.

I have two adopted cousins. One still has contact with her birth mother, and the other has no contact with his parents. The girl is still in elementary school and she seems to just treat it like she has two mommies, the mommy she lives with and the mommy who lives in Georgia and talks to her on the phone. Both of them were in foster care of my aunt before they were adopted and the girl and her mother were both in foster care under my aunt.

There was no way that they would not know, and I doubt anyone in my family would keep it from them. The boy is very dark skinned and my family is very white, so he could not have thought he wasn't adopted. I think that a child has every right to know. And that they also would know some how on their own.

And I think the strongest point to make if you were telling a child that they were adopted it how much you love them. Also trying to explain that their "birth parents didn't hate them and because they let you come to us we have you to love."

I would say right away. My adopted children would look too different than me or my fiance....even if I didn't tell them right away, they'll figure it out on their own because mommy and daddy would look too different.

when i get older i do want to adopt (mainly cause im a wimp >_<) and if i do i will tell my child that they are adopted. i dont think it should be as big as a deal as it is, im not adopted but i think your parents are the ones who raised you, not just gave birth.

Well for me personally, I would adopt a child that's at least seven years old. That way, they understand, I've adopted them. But if my significant other wanted a toddler, I would tell them that even though we weren't blood relations we're still bonded through the gift of love and that we're friends forever. I know it sounds kind of corny, but .. that's the way I feel.

With me, I would definately adopt a child in need. But, when I have helped them grow up a little more and taught them as much as I could, then at some point in my child's life, maybe around 7-10 years old, I would sit my child down and explain to them about adoption. Then, I would need to tell them that I had adopted them and slowly give them some time to let it sink in. But, just because I tell them that, doesn't mean that I still won't give them all the love and attention that they really need.

I don't want to be like one of those parent's who simply tell their child that they were adopted and go on living as if it had never been said. I also don't want them to feel like they are a stranger in their own home just because I did not give birth to them. It's a terrible thing to do to a child.

I agree that a child should be told they are adopted, but I think I would tell them sooner than most of the people here. I think if you wait until they are a teenager, then they will get used to the idea of you being their real parent and it will be too much of a shock. I think I would try to teach them about adoption as they are growing up and let them know even before they understand all of its implications that they are adopted. I don't know a lot of people who were adopted, but I do believe that it would be important to tell them before they start figuring it out. At a young age, they see the implications of adoption through tv shows and such and I would not want them to get the wrong idea.

Well, the best thing to do in a situation like this is to think, how would you feel if it were you? Would you want to know, or would you want to pretend that you didn't know even if you did wether it's to keep your adoptive parents happy or to pretend that it's all normal? Or would you not want to know, and not EVER want to know?

I think that I would want to know, and as soon as possible. I think that kids can handle things differently and I guess it's up to the parents to decide when a kid is old enough to handle the truth, but keeping it covered up in a deliberate lie won't have a happy outcome. Just imagine when they are unruly teenagers and want to rebel, that's just stoking their fire and giving them more fuel, more things to throw at you. Later on they might come to realize that you were doing it to protect them BUT it's still not easy to accept.

Breaking it to someone softy would be ideal.... all I know is that I'd rather be the child in the situation. Then you'd probably already have an idea. Being the parent, after you've pretended for so long, just isn't cool. It's a tough job. More power to the people who adopt but my advice would be to let them know. And just because you're nto their birth mother or father, doesn't mean that you dont' love them ofcourse. I mean, you DID adopt them, right?

Adoption is great and more and more people are doing it. I think that this also should make it easier on adopted kids. 20 years ago, you never heard much about it ( i was only 5 twenty years ago, so I'm kinda going out on a limb) I mean, it was a big thing. Times change. People get mroe and more open minded, usually.

Personally, as an adopted person, I've always known, like my parents told me when I was a little. It doesn't really make a difference to me, I don't know who my birth-mother is, and I don't really care because she didn't raise me; really she's no more my mom, than a sperm donor is a dad.
I love my parents and wouldn't trade them for anything, including knowing my birth-mom.

I would tell at when they are.. 4-5 years old. So that they can grow used to the thought of not being bloodrelated to me, but are still able to see all the love I would give them. I don't think it would be good to tell them when they are teenagers. They have so much to think of already, and being told that you are adopted right in the middle of your teenage years, that just seems.. Cruel XD Nah, I think it depends on the child. Maybe it would be better to wait til teenager, at least for some kids.

I think I agree with Vompire. :) If I were adopted I would really rather grow up with the idea than have it sprung on me having thought my whole life that my parents were my biological ones. Plus, you never know how a child would react to the latter, they could be completely alright with it or at the other end of the spectrum it could cause a huge rift between you. :O I know if my mum told me today that I was adopted I'd be really devastated.

You have to tell the child. And like Backporch said, adopting an older child would be better.

I would raise them with the knowledge that they were adopted. but I wouldn't treat it like something unusual. I'd probably say something like "You're special because I had a chance to choose anyone and I chose you" when they were really young.

And yeah it's a bit cheesy but whatever. All good things in life are cheesetastic.

I've always felt pretty much the same, Cheshire. That if I were to adopt, I would adopt an older child. Mostly because the older kids tend to be overlooked in favor of babies and small children. I think the kid would be really appreciative. Not saying they won't have that rebellious stage that nearly all adolescents are bound to go through or that there wouldn't be - in addition to that rebellion - an adjustment period but all in all it would be incredibly rewarding to change someone's life like that. To give them a home, stability and.. a family.

Bones, the cheese isn't so cheesy. Really.
Just don't say it to a tween or teen because they will hate your face for something so saccharine. ><
Probably think you were patronizing them, but for a kid ? That would be the best thing to say to them.

:heart:

As a parent of a 13yr old boy, it is just in my nature to tell my son everything honestly, tactfully, age-appropriately. I am simply not capable of lying to my son - the same as I am not capable of having blue eyes or making a million dollars in one day. I plan on adopting a child some time from now, and I plan to always be totally and completely honest with this child about everything. Total honesty (used with tact and an age appropriate approach) when used sensitively, will help the child deal with whatever comes their way. It builds acceptance, positivity, strength, and the ability to handle things well. It would be hard to lie to them their whole life, then they find out, then they feel betrayed and shocked, and upside down and they are traumatized and its a lot to deal with at once.. they wonder if they could trust their parent since they didn't tell them and they wonder if their parent would ever be honest and it'd just be a terrible thing. So, i would tell them right away and be positive and realistic and loving about it. The longer you wait, the more of a shock it is going to be.. but if they know from the beginning, then it's just a fact and they know they have you to support them in any questions they might have, to love them through any difficult feelings they might face.

No matter what, I'd be the person they could count on for honesty, love, healing, and education - and everything else they need.