Hey Vukavo.
Right off the bat I have two recommendations. One is to break this up a bit. While it might look fine on Word or in print, on the internet paragraphs need to be smaller and double spaced. Otherwise it looks like a wall of text and that scares readers off in droves.
The second is either the spell-checker on Word or a downloadable one. (I know there are some free ones.) I’m not the best speller myself and your piece isn’t littered with errors, but it might help to catch them all before you post. =]
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Originally Posted by Vukavo
It's been seven years now, seven years…
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I’d put a semi-colon or period in place of the comma.
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Originally Posted by Vukavo
They call themselves God's Angels and they have taken control of America by deeming anyone with anything to do with the military as devil worshipers.
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I assume that this is meant to take place in our world. Not everyone in America, not even in the government, is Christian. There are people who aren’t even monotheistic. So how does claiming that the military is full of devil-worshipers get everyone to take down the military?
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Originally Posted by Vukavo
The killings had been going on for months, all over the country, and it all seemed so random, until my family was targeted.
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I understand the sentence, but I feel that there are too many commas. You might try either making shorter sentences or rephrasing this sentence.
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Originally Posted by Vukavo
First, word reached us that the retired marine sergeant who was my father and his girlfriend's family had been killed in Wisconsin.
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I’m confused: Is the retired marine sergeant the main character’s father? Or is the retired marine sergeant the father’s sergeant?
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Originally Posted by Vukavo
…who was a privat in the marines in Virginia.
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‘private’ instead of ‘privat’.
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Originally Posted by Vukavo
A day later, my friend in the navy and his family had been masacred, the same day as my retired marine lieutenant mother and my siblings had been killed.
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‘massacred’
And the main character seems awfully calm talking about how all her friends and family were killed. You might consider putting more emotion into this.
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Originally Posted by Vukavo
I was coming home from working Security at the airport…
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‘Security’ doesn’t need to be capitalized.
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Originally Posted by Vukavo
That's when it clicked inside my head, when I saw the connection, for I recognized many miltary personell listed, whether they had recently joined, been with the military a while or were retired.
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‘military personnel’
I find it shocking to the point of disbelief that the police/military police/government/Pentagon/FBI didn’t notice this pattern. I’d be willing to let this slide so long as you address it later in the story.
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Originally Posted by Vukavo
I called my house to discuss this with my brother…
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Unless you’re trying to convey that she’s an extremely cold person, I’d change the word ‘discuss’ to something more urgent. If I found out my family had been murdered because of the radio, I’d be frantically calling home to make sure my brother was alright, not to discuss anything with him.
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Originally Posted by Vukavo
" This is one of God's…
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There is a space between the opening quotations and ‘This’ that doesn’t need to be there.
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Originally Posted by Vukavo
The one giving me a lift home, was a coworker…
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I’d change ‘The one’ to ‘The person’ or simply start with ‘A coworker’. ‘The one’ makes it sound like one of the God’s Angels is driving her home.
Also you can drop the comma after ‘home’.
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Originally Posted by Vukavo
We pulled over and began to make phone calls to ny and all miltary personell that we knew.We soon realized that that day was the day God's Angels had really began.
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If you meant New York, I’d just spell out New York.
‘military personnel’
There should be a space between ‘knew’ and ‘We’.
‘began’ should be ‘begun’.
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Originally Posted by Vukavo
Word spread quickly acoss the country, recruitment centers, bootcamps and military bases were under attack.
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‘across’ and ‘boot camps’.
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Originally Posted by Vukavo
No one knows who is in charge, but everyone believes those who could oppose them are now deceased, and even worse, to be devil worshippers.
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If God’s Angels are so open about their actions, as proven by changing the answering machine, I find it hard to believe that they didn’t make it incredibly clear that
they were in charge.
And maybe I’m not religious enough, but I think I’d be more concerned if someone was killing off my friends and family than I would be that people thought I was a devil-worshiper.
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Originally Posted by Vukavo
We are not all together but we all want the same thing, to get rid of God's Angels.
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There should be a comma after ‘together’ and before ‘but’. I would also change the comma after ‘thing’ into a colon.
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Originally Posted by Vukavo
My name has been forgotten, I now go by the names of LadyRose or Regora.
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Is there any particular reason “LadyRose” doesn’t have a space between it? If not, I suggest adding one.
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Originally Posted by Vukavo
The government allows us to protect people, do as we want for majority of the people in P3 are their people.
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At this point, it gets a little confusing as to which government you’re talking about. I assume you mean the United States government? Since you previously stated that God’s Angels had taken over the government, I’d specify here that you’re talking about what’s left of the United States government.
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Originally Posted by Vukavo
…we merely give them new lives.There are safehouses, vehicles, and weapons, provided by the government.
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There should be a space between ‘lives’ and ‘There’. ‘safehouses’ should have be a hyphenated word.
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Originally Posted by Vukavo
She rubbed her eyes, strecthed…
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‘stretched’
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Originally Posted by Vukavo
The government was mad at her due to the fact that she failed to keep a sniper from shooting one of their Angel Approved Mayors last week and therefore had her on suspension.She was worried what they may do.
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Why is that bad? Doesn’t the United States government want Angel Approved people out? Isn’t Regora part of some kind of resistance/railroad?
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Originally Posted by Vukavo
They never got her personal information and she knew that bugged them.
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Bugged who? The government?
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Originally Posted by Vukavo
And she new that yet was the key word in the matter.
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‘knew’ instead of ‘new’. I would also put ‘yet’ inside of quotations so that the reader knows she’s referring to the previous sentence.
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I actually quite like the explanation, but since it’s in first person I think it needs far more emotion than it has. Her friends and family have been killed by lunatics. The country she loves has fallen for the lies of a psychotic cult or some such. Her life has been thrown inside out as violently as possible. And yet it feels like she doesn’t really care.
Even if you’re trying to convey that she’s become cold and hard, you need to add something in there about that. You need to show us that she really doesn’t care anymore (or that she’s trying desperately not to.)
Again, I like that the explanation is there and the last line about how her story needs to be told is quite intriguing. I suggest keeping it, but it can still be played with some.
I also got confused near the end between which government she’s working for. When you start talking about the God’s Angels government and the United States government I think you should clarify a little more.