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Vukavo
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#1
Old 10-26-2009, 04:56 AM

It's been seven years now: seven years they have been in control of the government. They call themselves God's Angels and they have taken control of America by deeming anyone with anything to do with the military as devil worshipers. At first, no one could see the connection because usually it was only one person out of many killed in the building or family who had anything official to do with the military. The killings had been going on for months. All over the country, and it all seemed so random. That is, until my family was targeted. First, word reached us that the retired marine sergeant who was my father and his girlfriend's family had been killed in Wisconsin. Then they came for my sister, who was a private in the marines in Virginia. A day later, my friend in the navy and his family had been massacred, the same day as my retired marine lieutenant mother and my siblings had been killed. I lived in the next city over from my mother, with my boyfriend, two of our friends and my elder brother who was retired from the army. I was coming home from working security at the airport when I had received the news of my mother and friend's passing over the radio. I thought of my father, and my sister, as I listened to the list of names of other victims in nearby cities. That's when it clicked inside my head, when I saw the connection, for I recognized many miltary personell listed, whether they had recently joined, been with the military a while or were retired. I called my house to discuss this with my brother, yet no one answered, and the voicemail had been changed, it now said, "This is one of God's angels and these devil worshipers have been brought down, as shall you if you are one." The person giving me a ride home was a coworker and retired Navy seal officer and behind me were two of our friends, on leave from the air force. We pulled over and began to make phone calls to any and all miltary personell that we knew. We soon realized that that day was the day God's Angels had really begun. Word spread quickly across the country, recruitment centers, boot camps and military bases were under attack. It took five months more, only five months, before they took over the government. No one knows who is in charge, but everyone believes those who could oppose them are now deceased, and even worse, to be devil worshippers. Crime had seemingly stopped, and everyone loved God's Angels for it, but crime stopped because criminals and their immediate families were wiped out, just as the military before them. But there are still those of us out there, those believed to be dead. We are not all together but we all want the same thing, to get rid of God's Angels. My name has been forgotten, I now go by the names of LadyRose or Regora. I am in the resistance group known as P3, it stands for Public and Private Protection. The government allows us to protect people, do as we want for majority of the people in P3 are their people. We protect the public, by helping people disappear, but those of us who are not loyal to the government, do not kill as we are supposed to, we merely give them new lives. There are safe-houses, vehicles, and weapons, provided by the government. We also do jobs for free for those who cannot afford protection but desperately need and deserve it, and we overcharge those who don't really need or deserve the job but can pay. This is our story, and now it's time to be told.

Delete: Y/N

LadyRose spent hours typing that as she did on many occasions when she could not sleep, and as on many occasions, she deleted it immediately. She rubbed her eyes, stretched and set down her laptop before walking into the back patio. It was still dark and she was on edge. She hadn't had anything to do for three days. The government was mad at her due to the fact that she failed to keep a sniper from shooting one of their Angel Approved Mayors last week and therefore had her on suspension.She was worried what they may do. They never got her personal information and she knew that bugged the government officials loyal to God's Angels. But she had charmed her way into the hearts of a few of the higher ups so she hadn't been dealt with yet. And she knew that 'yet' was the key word in the matter. So she was currently staying at a cabin at one of the Long Island Sound beaches. The sea was in the front view, and the woods were in the back.

Last edited by Vukavo; 10-30-2009 at 01:35 AM..

Nolori
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#2
Old 10-28-2009, 12:21 AM

Hey Vukavo.
Right off the bat I have two recommendations. One is to break this up a bit. While it might look fine on Word or in print, on the internet paragraphs need to be smaller and double spaced. Otherwise it looks like a wall of text and that scares readers off in droves.
The second is either the spell-checker on Word or a downloadable one. (I know there are some free ones.) I’m not the best speller myself and your piece isn’t littered with errors, but it might help to catch them all before you post. =]

--
Quote:
Originally Posted by Vukavo
It's been seven years now, seven years…
I’d put a semi-colon or period in place of the comma.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Vukavo
They call themselves God's Angels and they have taken control of America by deeming anyone with anything to do with the military as devil worshipers.
I assume that this is meant to take place in our world. Not everyone in America, not even in the government, is Christian. There are people who aren’t even monotheistic. So how does claiming that the military is full of devil-worshipers get everyone to take down the military?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Vukavo
The killings had been going on for months, all over the country, and it all seemed so random, until my family was targeted.
I understand the sentence, but I feel that there are too many commas. You might try either making shorter sentences or rephrasing this sentence.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Vukavo
First, word reached us that the retired marine sergeant who was my father and his girlfriend's family had been killed in Wisconsin.
I’m confused: Is the retired marine sergeant the main character’s father? Or is the retired marine sergeant the father’s sergeant?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Vukavo
…who was a privat in the marines in Virginia.
‘private’ instead of ‘privat’.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Vukavo
A day later, my friend in the navy and his family had been masacred, the same day as my retired marine lieutenant mother and my siblings had been killed.
‘massacred’
And the main character seems awfully calm talking about how all her friends and family were killed. You might consider putting more emotion into this.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Vukavo
I was coming home from working Security at the airport…
‘Security’ doesn’t need to be capitalized.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Vukavo
That's when it clicked inside my head, when I saw the connection, for I recognized many miltary personell listed, whether they had recently joined, been with the military a while or were retired.
‘military personnel’
I find it shocking to the point of disbelief that the police/military police/government/Pentagon/FBI didn’t notice this pattern. I’d be willing to let this slide so long as you address it later in the story.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Vukavo
I called my house to discuss this with my brother…
Unless you’re trying to convey that she’s an extremely cold person, I’d change the word ‘discuss’ to something more urgent. If I found out my family had been murdered because of the radio, I’d be frantically calling home to make sure my brother was alright, not to discuss anything with him.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Vukavo
" This is one of God's…
There is a space between the opening quotations and ‘This’ that doesn’t need to be there.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Vukavo
The one giving me a lift home, was a coworker…
I’d change ‘The one’ to ‘The person’ or simply start with ‘A coworker’. ‘The one’ makes it sound like one of the God’s Angels is driving her home.
Also you can drop the comma after ‘home’.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Vukavo
We pulled over and began to make phone calls to ny and all miltary personell that we knew.We soon realized that that day was the day God's Angels had really began.
If you meant New York, I’d just spell out New York.
‘military personnel’
There should be a space between ‘knew’ and ‘We’.
‘began’ should be ‘begun’.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Vukavo
Word spread quickly acoss the country, recruitment centers, bootcamps and military bases were under attack.
‘across’ and ‘boot camps’.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Vukavo
No one knows who is in charge, but everyone believes those who could oppose them are now deceased, and even worse, to be devil worshippers.
If God’s Angels are so open about their actions, as proven by changing the answering machine, I find it hard to believe that they didn’t make it incredibly clear that they were in charge.
And maybe I’m not religious enough, but I think I’d be more concerned if someone was killing off my friends and family than I would be that people thought I was a devil-worshiper.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Vukavo
We are not all together but we all want the same thing, to get rid of God's Angels.
There should be a comma after ‘together’ and before ‘but’. I would also change the comma after ‘thing’ into a colon.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Vukavo
My name has been forgotten, I now go by the names of LadyRose or Regora.
Is there any particular reason “LadyRose” doesn’t have a space between it? If not, I suggest adding one.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Vukavo
The government allows us to protect people, do as we want for majority of the people in P3 are their people.
At this point, it gets a little confusing as to which government you’re talking about. I assume you mean the United States government? Since you previously stated that God’s Angels had taken over the government, I’d specify here that you’re talking about what’s left of the United States government.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Vukavo
…we merely give them new lives.There are safehouses, vehicles, and weapons, provided by the government.
There should be a space between ‘lives’ and ‘There’. ‘safehouses’ should have be a hyphenated word.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Vukavo
She rubbed her eyes, strecthed…
‘stretched’

Quote:
Originally Posted by Vukavo
The government was mad at her due to the fact that she failed to keep a sniper from shooting one of their Angel Approved Mayors last week and therefore had her on suspension.She was worried what they may do.
Why is that bad? Doesn’t the United States government want Angel Approved people out? Isn’t Regora part of some kind of resistance/railroad?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Vukavo
They never got her personal information and she knew that bugged them.
Bugged who? The government?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Vukavo
And she new that yet was the key word in the matter.
‘knew’ instead of ‘new’. I would also put ‘yet’ inside of quotations so that the reader knows she’s referring to the previous sentence.
--
I actually quite like the explanation, but since it’s in first person I think it needs far more emotion than it has. Her friends and family have been killed by lunatics. The country she loves has fallen for the lies of a psychotic cult or some such. Her life has been thrown inside out as violently as possible. And yet it feels like she doesn’t really care.
Even if you’re trying to convey that she’s become cold and hard, you need to add something in there about that. You need to show us that she really doesn’t care anymore (or that she’s trying desperately not to.)
Again, I like that the explanation is there and the last line about how her story needs to be told is quite intriguing. I suggest keeping it, but it can still be played with some.

I also got confused near the end between which government she’s working for. When you start talking about the God’s Angels government and the United States government I think you should clarify a little more.

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#3
Old 10-30-2009, 01:26 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Nolori View Post
Hey Vukavo.
Right off the bat I have two recommendations. One is to break this up a bit. While it might look fine on Word or in print, on the internet paragraphs need to be smaller and double spaced. Otherwise it looks like a wall of text and that scares readers off in droves.
Thanks, but that's always been my sore spot...I never learned how to properly do the paragraphs so I gave up trying and just don't bother, I usually ask friends to seperate the writing into paragraphs for me but currently am around none to help me out with that task.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Nolori View Post
The second is either the spell-checker on Word or a downloadable one. (I know there are some free ones.) I’m not the best speller myself and your piece isn’t littered with errors, but it might help to catch them all before you post. =]
If this is free, I'll try finding it. Thanks.



Quote:
Originally Posted by Nolori View Post
I assume that this is meant to take place in our world. Not everyone in America, not even in the government, is Christian. There are people who aren’t even monotheistic. So how does claiming that the military is full of devil-worshipers get everyone to take down the military?
Yes, it's supposed to take place in the real world, but one thing I have realized is that even though many are not christian, there are still quite a few non christians who believe in and fear the devil.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Nolori View Post
I’m confused: Is the retired marine sergeant the main character’s father? Or is the retired marine sergeant the father’s sergeant?
The retired marine sergeant is the main character's father, I'll try finding a way to make that more clear...I only stated their rank and service in this story to make it more obvious who all is being targetted.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Nolori View Post
And the main character seems awfully calm talking about how all her friends and family were killed. You might consider putting more emotion into this.
THe reason for her calm appearance is due to the fact that, as I believe I explained at the end, she has typed this up many times, but I will try to fix this.



Quote:
Originally Posted by Nolori View Post
I find it shocking to the point of disbelief that the police/military police/government/Pentagon/FBI didn’t notice this pattern. I’d be willing to let this slide so long as you address it later in the story.
I do plan to state this later on in the story, but one of the biggest reasons it went unnoticed by them is because anyone living in the building was killed. Even if the military person lived on the top floor of a twenty story apt complex, every single person would still be killed. So it was bound to have military losses as high as they were.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Nolori View Post
Unless you’re trying to convey that she’s an extremely cold person, I’d change the word ‘discuss’ to something more urgent. If I found out my family had been murdered because of the radio, I’d be frantically calling home to make sure my brother was alright, not to discuss anything with him.
It's not that she's a cold person, I actually based her mostly off myself. And when I hear someone has died, for some reason, it never bothers me one bit until the funeral. Then I ball like a baby lol. But again, I will try and fix this.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Nolori View Post
Is there any particular reason “LadyRose” doesn’t have a space between it? If not, I suggest adding one.
LadyRose purposefully does not have a space in it, for it is her codename. Kinda like a username I guess. And she purposefully leaves the space out of it.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Nolori View Post
At this point, it gets a little confusing as to which government you’re talking about. I assume you mean the United States government? Since you previously stated that God’s Angels had taken over the government, I’d specify here that you’re talking about what’s left of the United States government.
There are many government officials still in government but I will try being more clear about it.



Quote:
Originally Posted by Nolori View Post
Why is that bad? Doesn’t the United States government want Angel Approved people out? Isn’t Regora part of some kind of resistance/railroad?
The reason it is bad, is that she is working against the government from the inside and failed to protect one of their own people from being killed by another resistance member.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Nolori View Post
Bugged who? The government?
Yes, bugged the God's Angels government officials, I'll clarify that.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Nolori View Post
I actually quite like the explanation, but since it’s in first person I think it needs far more emotion than it has. Her friends and family have been killed by lunatics. The country she loves has fallen for the lies of a psychotic cult or some such. Her life has been thrown inside out as violently as possible. And yet it feels like she doesn’t really care.
Even if you’re trying to convey that she’s become cold and hard, you need to add something in there about that. You need to show us that she really doesn’t care anymore (or that she’s trying desperately not to.)
Again, I like that the explanation is there and the last line about how her story needs to be told is quite intriguing. I suggest keeping it, but it can still be played with some.

I also got confused near the end between which government she’s working for. When you start talking about the God’s Angels government and the United States government I think you should clarify a little more.
Thank you for your imput, I'll do my best to follow your suggestins.

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#4
Old 02-03-2010, 01:52 AM

It sounds pretty good except that it may need to be broken up a bit more. However, a good opening needs to set the tone for the rest of the story. If this opening does just that, then it'll be fine, if not, then it's going to need some work. :)

Kitt
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#5
Old 02-10-2010, 04:53 AM

The whole opening seems like an info dump to me- a whole lot of information all at once. It's kind of hard to get through just because there's no reason I should care about this information yet. To be completely honest, if I picked up a book or started reading this story online I probably wouldn't make it past the first few sentences.

I would start with some kind of action taking place, maybe with your character working in the airport finding out that their friends and family had been killed. This would establish your character immediately as some one the reader can sympathize with. After that, it would only be logical to continue with a little background for the situation.

 


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