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Briar Rose
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#1
Old 10-26-2009, 09:03 PM

I was hoping people could help me make this a bit longer...It feels to me like it needs something, but being the author, I can't think of what!! Please be as specific as possible with constructive criticism! Greatly appreciated, thank you. :heart:



~ A cold, drizzly day marked the beginning of autumn for a sleepy little town nestled on a small island, supporting numerous residents. It was surrounded by other islands, too numerous to count, although this isle was the only one inhabited. Looking out towards the harbor, waves could be seen breaking upon the beaches with gentle splashing, and boats with their sails furled swaying in the gentle breeze that allowed flocks of birds to gracefully ride the sky's waves above, touching the sky. This island was glowing with daily beauty; most of the year it was sunny, cheery, and warm. There was an abundance of rolling green hills dotted by farm houses and small patches of forests.

Among the brightly colored buildings, was a cold and forbidding castle-esque place. It was three stories tall, made from gray stone, now fading with age, with only one window on the lowest level. It was framed in a dark mahogany wood panel, with sun-bleached streaks running along the grain of the wood, revealing the buildings age just like the stone it was built with. On the glass, little remnants of a long forgotton sign still clung, like the frothy bubbles left on the side of a mug of devoured root-beer float. That window gave passersby a view of an unnaturally clean room. Wooden chairs upholstered with white cotton, white carpet, and fresh white and gray striped wallpaper.

Behind a white marble countertop sat a pretty young girl, nearing twenty-four. Her long brunette curls were tucked up into a ponytail with freshly straightened bangs sweeping over the right side of her face, and back behind her ear. She wore a nurses uniform: a white knee-length dress buttoned top to bottom, with a red stripe on the ends of the short sleeves. She was the only real friendly face, and she sat behind that counter from the moment visitors were allowed in until the moment the last person left.

Although someone peering through the window wouldn't be able to see, a middle-aged gray haired woman sat in the corner on one of the chairs, staring at the wallpaper ahead of her. Her hazel eyes zoned off into the distance, seeing nothing, while her wrinkled hands clutched her bright red purse that was nestled on her lap. She didn't enjoy this part of her visit. Waiting for the "okay" to walk past all of the lonely people inside, what she thought to be, cages, with nothing but a chamber pot and a mattress on the floor. Those were the longest hallways she had ever walked down, and yet, it was something she did every month, on the same day, no matter what.

Finally, a doctor garbed in all white, poked his eagle nose through the door frame. The last straggly remnants of his thin white hair refusing to leave or lay flat against his scalp, paired with his beady black eyes, made for a foreboding tower of a man.

"Mrs. Hedgeworth?" He said, breaking her out of her trance, his beady eyes squinting in pain from the dull light that shown through the dusty window. She stood up slowly, as if it hurt her to do this again. It seemed like years had gone by since last she saw him, and yet it was only a month. She followed the lanky doctor down the long corridors, past the poor not-so-innocent souls that shouted rude and obnoxious things. Finally, at the third floor, they came to a stop in front of a bolted metal door. She took a deep breath, then nodded her readiness at the doctor. He then opened the door to reveal a small, skinny man, who looked no older than twelve, although he was thirty-seven. His eyes opened wide as the bright light of the dark day scattered around him.

"A... An... Angel?" He whispered in the voice of a frightened child. Mrs. Hedgeworth smiled compassionately. It was always the same.

"Yes, my child. Angel." She stepped into the white padded room and embraced the man in the white leather straightjacket that used to be her son. ~

Last edited by Briar Rose; 10-27-2009 at 02:50 PM..

Knerd
I put the K in "Misspelling"

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#2
Old 10-26-2009, 11:28 PM

Briar Rose, did you already post this in your Drabble thread?

Briar Rose
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#3
Old 10-26-2009, 11:45 PM

Um, it was in my 100 Theme Challenge thing...not this exact one, the previous draft...Is this not allowed?

This is the newest slightly edited version...

Azilianna
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#4
Old 10-27-2009, 01:51 AM

YES! OXYMORONIC TITLE! I LOVE IT!

Looking out towards the harbor, waves could be seen breaking upon the beaches with gentle splashing, and boats with their sails furled swaying in the gentle breeze that allowed flocks of birds to gracefully ride the sky's waves above, touching the sky.
See that? Its a wordy sentence, it should be split up a bit.


Among the brightly colored buildings, was a cold and forbidding castle-esque place.
Nothing grammatically incorrect, but perhaps another word could be used? Its a little.. iffy.

On the glass, little remnants of a long forgotton sign still clung, like the froathy bubbles left on the side of a mug of devoured root-beer float.
Frothy:)


Finally, a doctor garbed in all white, poked his eagle nose through the door frame. The last straggly remnants of his thin white hair refusing to leave or lay flat against his scalp, paired with his beady black eyes, made for a forboding tower of a man.
Foreboding

YES! I LIKE THIS! Its a good start, I definitely want to read what happens to the one in the straight jacket. KEEP ON TRUCKING. :]

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#5
Old 10-27-2009, 06:53 AM

you could add some details about what the building is and what it for and why she goes there. you can also add details as to why the boy is there. it is good so far.

Briar Rose
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#6
Old 10-27-2009, 02:49 PM

Thanks for the suggestions ^^

And I shall fix those errors, Azi. Thanks for catching them :D

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#7
Old 11-02-2009, 10:08 PM

Still looking for some help...:D

 


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