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Of course he was leading them from the front lines. Of course he was zipping in and out rescuing his teammates from danger. Of course he was a major target for the enemy. Of course he had more close calls than anyone else. Of course my heart quaked for him the most.
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Nice parallelism. :)
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Really who would be okay watching their best friend nearly die? Who could choose to look away?
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Ooo, nice. I know I couldn't.
This is really compelling. Great job! I can't wait to read more. :boogie:
Gonna be an English major grammar Nazi for a sec. Hope that's okay. :angel:
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Finally Aaron’s inner group broke through the enemy and made it to the Leader.
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Perhaps its just me, but I think the line would make more sense if you added something after "enemy" such as "enemy forces" or "enemy front-lines."
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This was the final battle the one that would decide everything.
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I think this would hold more punch of you added either a
; : or
-- in between "battle" and "the." Such as "This was the final battle--the one that would decide everything."
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The woman next to me put her hand on my shoulder.
“You’re shaking. Are you alright? If it’s too much you don’t have to watch it.”
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This should all be one paragraph.
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Despite everything falling apart wasn’t an option.
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I think there's suppose to be a pronoun in between "apart" and "wasn't."
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After all when Aaron. . .
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You need a comma after "all": "After all, when Aaron. . ."
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It sounds strange whenever I say it but at that moment
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'Nother comma: "It sounds strange whenever I sat it
, but. . ."
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They knew Aaron why couldn’t they tell what was coming?
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I'd either make this two separate sentences ("They knew Aaron! Why couldn't they tell what was coming?") or put a colon there (They knew Aaron: why couldn't they tell what was coming?).
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The last minutes of the battle came in clear and I almost wish that they hadn’t because maybe then I wouldn’t have had to see Aaron’s death over and over again in my nightmares.
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You need a comma in there at least once: "came in clear, and I almost" or "they hadn't, because maybe."
And, finally:
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It picked up speed and rammed into the Leader’s then unleashed grapplers to clamp down on him.
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Another comma: "the Leader's, then unleashed."
Seriously: I really like it.