On a lonely highway south of Phoenix, Arizona in the sweltering heat of the summer, a car makes its way down the road at neck-breaking speeds there isn’t a cop in sight. The man driving is an older man of maybe 40 and the passenger is his wife of 10 years his junior; their two year old baby daughter is asleep in the backseat. Suddenly out of nowhere a semi comes barreling down on them and losses control rolling the semi into a ditch; it just barely clips the small SUV. But it’s enough to make them go careening off the road and into a pole. Only the baby girl survives which is a miracle in itself, their four-year-old son was in Phoenix with his grandma who was visiting them that week
After the accident grandma was our only live relative so she took my baby sister and me back with her to New York City, where we’ve lived more or less happily for the last 14 years. We go back to Phoenix once a year to visit our parents’ graves its nice to see them that one time a year, I miss them terribly.
“Taji what’s taking you so long, I need to take a shower.” Athena shouted at the bathroom door.
“I’m fixing my hair I need to look good when we see Brittany and Aluna before we leave for Phoenix.” Taji shouted at his sister through the loud hissing his straightener was making.
This continued back and forth for about ten minutes before their grandma who had been in her room-getting ready decided to intervene.
“Athena you can use my bathroom if you need to take a shower, and Taji finish up soon we need to get going so we can pick up the girls to go with us to Phoenix.”
Taji stepped out of the bathroom five minutes later his curly mop of hair straightened to within a curl. He picked his way through his room to grab his duffel for the trip, then stepped into the hall bending over flexibly out of the way when he heard his sister following him to the stairs her heavy suitcase thumping loudly behind her threatening his feet with every step, as she trudged past him, her suitcase started doing barrel rolls. Surprised she gasped and slipped as the suitcase landed with a thud on her foot. Taji seeing this caught his sister by the arm and pulled her out of the way as the suitcase fell down the stairs and landed with a resounding thud at the foot of the stairs.
Their grandma came running when she heard the crash, “WHAT HAPPENED!!!!” she shouted loud enough to wake the dead or at least get a phone call from the neighbors. Then spying the dent that the suitcase had made in the perfectly polished floor her face turned beet red and she didn’t stop shouting for at least ten minutes.
Taji pulling his sister aside when their grandma had gone into the kitchen to call a repair man to come when they got back from phoenix whispered, “what did you pack in that suitcase freaking bricks, that bag must weigh at least a hundred pounds, you’d better go unzip it and get anything that you don’t need for a week and leave enough room so you don’t have to use my duffel bag to fit all of the stuff your bringing back with you, and if you don’t I’ll pack for you.” Athena knew this wasn’t a threat it was a promise.
Half an hour later they were at the airport waiting for the plane to get there. The anxious looks on the girls faces was priceless Taji thought, as he sat next to Brittany holding her hand as she talked to his sister. He only heard bits and pieces of their conversation as they chatted about whatever it is they talk about anymore, he’d lost track when they started talking about bras.

Soon they bordered the plane for the long ride to Phoenix. Their thoughts and actions would stray far and wide.

Athena sat by the window on the plane gazing out over the bank of clouds, she sighed ever so slightly as she remembered that the reason they were flying to Phoenix was to go see their parents graves and for no other real reason. It was hard to think that she was going to be a senior this year and that next year she’d be going to college. She would miss her brother after he left to go to ASU for fall semester. He was moving out here in a month and she felt sad as she realized that the only time they might see each other besides holidays was on their trip to Phoenix to visit their parent’s graves.

Taji sat with his hand entwined with Brittany’s as she slept off the plane ride to Phoenix. His thoughts strayed to the fact that soon he would be moving here with her to go to college. He thought of blistering sun and marriage proposals, of love and grief that his parents wouldn’t be at their wedding. He was awakened from his thoughts as the flight attendant announced that they would be landing soon. He glanced over at Brittany and saw that she would sleep right through the landing if he didn’t wake her soon, and then he glanced at the window seat and saw tears in his sister’s eye.
“What’s wrong Athena,” he whispered.
“Oh I was just thinking about mom and dad that’s all,” she lied.
“Oh, okay.”

Brittany was awakened by a slight bounce in turbulence and the whispered lies of Athena, she knew her friend too well not to know when she was lying. Yawning she lifted her head from where it lay on Taji’s shoulder.
“Good afternoon sunshine,” Taji says, kissing her forehead.
“How long was I out of it?” Brittany asks sleepily, as she hugs him closer.
“Well you slept through almost the entire plane ride and when you woke up the sun shown again.”
He makes everything sound so pleasant and sweet, I don’t think I can think bad thoughts as long as he’s around, she thought happily.

Aluna had spent most of the flight listening to her I Pod. She bobbed along to the music the whole time and by the time they reached the airport the battery on her I Pod was at 75% and she was still content. Her thoughts strayed to her boyfriend. What is he doing now? Does he miss me? Should I call him or is he going to call me? Aluna spent the entire trip to their hotel asking herself those questions.

On a lonely highway south of Phoenix, Arizona in the sweltering heat of the summer, a car makes its way down the road at neck-breaking speeds there isn’t a cop in sight.

Should be 2 sentences perhaps

losses control rolling the semi into a ditch;

loses, not losses

our only live relative

living

We go back to Phoenix once a year to visit our parents’ graves its nice to see them that one time a year, I miss them terribly.

run-on sentence, also "it's"

“I’m fixing my hair I need to look good when we see Brittany and Aluna before we leave for Phoenix.”

Needs to be 2 sentences

his curly mop of hair straightened to within a curl.

What exactly are you trying to describe with this?

He picked his way through his room to grab his duffel for the trip, then stepped into the hall bending over flexibly out of the way when he heard his sister following him to the stairs her heavy suitcase thumping loudly behind her threatening his feet with every step, as she trudged past him, her suitcase started doing barrel rolls.

run-on sentence

That was like a really superficial read. I would watch your run-on sentences and punctuation. Also, you start the story in the present tense and then switch to past.

Originally Posted by Yoruichi_Slave

On a lonely highway south of Phoenix, Arizona in the sweltering heat of the summer, a car makes its way down the road at neck-breaking speeds. There isn’t a cop in sight. The man driving is an older man of maybe forty and the passenger is his wife of ten years his junior; their two year old baby daughter is asleep in the backseat. Suddenly, out of nowhere a semi comes barreling down on them and loses control, rolling the semi into a ditch. It just barely clips the small SUV, but it’s enough to make them go careening off the road and into a pole. Only the baby girl survives which is a miracle in itself; their four-year-old son was in Phoenix with his grandma who was visiting them that week.

After the accident, grandma was our only living relative, so she took my baby sister and I back with her to New York City, where we’ve lived more or less happily for the last fourteen years. We go back to Phoenix once a year to visit our parent’s graves. It's nice to see them that one time a year, I miss them terribly.

“Taji what’s taking you so long, I need to take a shower.” Athena shouted at the bathroom door.

“I’m fixing my hair! I need to look good when we see Brittany and Aluna before we leave for Phoenix.” Taji shouted at his sister through the loud hissing his straightener was making.

This continued back and forth for about ten minutes before their grandma, who had been in her room getting ready, decided to intervene.

“Athena, you can use my bathroom if you need to take a shower, and Taji, finish up soon! We need to get going so we can pick up the girls to go with us to Phoenix.”

Taji stepped out of the bathroom five minutes later, his curly mop of hair straightened to within a curl. He picked his way through his room to grab his duffel for the trip. He then stepped into the hall bending over flexibly out of the way when he heard his sister following him to the stairs, her heavy suitcase thumping loudly behind her, threatening his feet with every step. As she trudged past him, her suitcase started doing barrel rolls. Surprised she gasped and slipped as the suitcase landed with a thud on her foot. Taji, seeing this. caught his sister by the arm and pulled her out of the way as the suitcase fell down the stairs and landed with a resounding thud at the foot of the stairs.

Their grandma came running when she heard the crash and shouted, “WHAT HAPPENED!?” Her voice was loud enough to wake the dead - or at least loud enough to get a phone call from the neighbors. Then spotting the dent that the suitcase had made in the perfectly polished floor, her face turned beet red and she didn’t stop shouting for at least ten minutes.

Their grandma went into the kitchen to call a repair man to come when they got back from phoenix. Taji pulled his sister aside and whispered, “What did you pack in that suitcase, freaking bricks? That bag must weigh at least a hundred pounds! You’d better go unzip it and get anything that you don’t need for the week. And leave enough room so you don’t have to use my duffel bag to fit all of the stuff you're bringing back with you! If you don’t, I’ll pack for you.” Athena knew this wasn’t a threat, it was a promise.

Half an hour later they were at the airport waiting for the plane to get there. The anxious looks on the girls faces were priceless, Taji thought as he sat next to Brittany, holding her hand as she talked to his sister. He only heard bits and pieces of their conversation as they chatted about whatever it is they talk about anymore. He’d lost track when they started talking about bras.

Soon they boarded the plane for the long ride to Phoenix. Their thoughts and actions would stray far and wide.

Athena sat by the window on the plane gazing out over the bank of clouds. She sighed ever so slightly as she remembered that the reason they were flying to Phoenix was to go see their parents graves and for no other real reason. It was hard to think that she was going to be a senior this year and that next year she’d be going to college. She would miss her brother after he left to go to ASU for fall semester. He was moving out here in a month and she felt sad as she realized that the only time they might see each other besides holiday's was on their trip to Phoenix to visit their parent’s graves.

Taji sat with his hand entwined with Brittany’s as she slept off the plane ride to Phoenix. His thoughts strayed to the fact that soon he would be moving here with her to go to college. He thought of blistering sun and marriage proposals, of love and grief that his parents wouldn’t be at their wedding. He was awakened from his thoughts as the flight attendant announced that they would be landing soon. He glanced over at Brittany and saw that she would sleep right through the landing if he didn’t wake her soon. He then glanced at the window seat and saw tears in his sister’s eyes.

“What’s wrong Athena?” he whispered.

“Oh, I was just thinking about mom and dad, that’s all,” she lied.

“Oh, okay.”

Brittany was awakened by a slight bounce in turbulence and the whispered lies of Athena. She knew her friend too well not to know when she was lying. Yawning she lifted her head from where it lay on Taji’s shoulder.

“Good afternoon sunshine,” Taji said, kissing her forehead.

“How long was I out of it?” Brittany asked sleepily, as she hugged him closer.

“Well you slept through almost the entire plane ride and when you woke up the sun shown again.”

He makes everything sound so pleasant and sweet, I don’t think I can think bad thoughts as long as he’s around, she thought happily.

Aluna had spent most of the flight listening to her ipod. She bobbed along to the music the whole time, and by the time they reached the airport, the battery on her ipod was at 75% and she was still content. Her thoughts strayed to her boyfriend. What is he doing now? Does he miss me? Should I call him or is he going to call me? Aluna spent the entire trip to their hotel asking herself these questions.

The quote there has my edits contained within it, which you can of course take or leave. Some comments about the general structure of the piece:

1. Switching perspectives so much. It makes it clunky and uninteresting to see so many character's thoughts. It leaves little to the imagination, because you are shown what people are thinking to certain reactions. Perhaps stick to just one character, or to the brother and sister.

2. The first and second paragraph together are very confusing, because it goes from third person, to first person, to third person again. If the start of the second paragraph is someone's thoughts, maybe put it in italics or single quotations like 'this'. This would also be helpful for your characters thoughts later on in the piece.

3. Where did Brittany come from? She wasn't mentioned at all and suddenly she was just there, with next to no explanation on her character apart from Taji's thoughts. That could use a bit more clarification, that she was going with them, because I thought it was his sister and I had just forgotten her name. Edit: Re-reading on my part and I saw that she was mentioned as being at the airport; this might be a good place to mention her significance to Taji.

4. You've got a bad habit of run-on sentences; my advice for this, which is what helped me overcome this problem, is reading it out loud. Read it as it is written. If it sounds awkward, and doesn't flow right, there's definitely an error there. Look for spots where you can split sentences into more sentences. While long sentences can be nice, a story is a lot more interesting if it has sentences of different lengths. It appeals to the readers eyes better.

5. Your tenses get mixed up a bit in the dialogue toward the end; in the beginning, you say "shouted" or "asked", but toward the end you changed this to "says" and "asks". Careful of doing this, because it's grammatically incorrect and can be confusing and unappealing to the reader.

6. Another point about the first paragraph: it seems like it should be a prologue, not the beginning of a chapter. If it's a flashback, put it in italics or something else to make this evident.

Overall, when you write a paragraph, read it out loud and see how it sounds to you. If you think it flows good, it probably does. Run it through a grammatical check, but /don't/ just hit "fix" or "repair" to every error it brings up: read it, see if the correction makes sense, and if it does, fix it. This will help you out a LOT. That, or get a beta-reader/editor to help you out.

Also, there doesn't seem to be a main plot to make this overly interesting as a read: is it about the siblings dealing with the death of their parents? If so, they were reasonably young when it happened and this is quite late in life. Would it still be as much of an issue as it would have been when they were younger? (This is not to say that they wouldn't be bothered by it when they were older, however.)

Or, is it about their times at college? The struggles they have there, or certain things about their parents coming back to "haunt" them so to speak. Because there's no evident plot in the beginning of it, for me personally it's hard to read due to my own personal preference. (That doesn't mean this is boring, just that for people with my taste in books or similar to my taste, it would be hard to read.)

It's not bad, but you do need to be careful about your use of punctuation, tenses, and watching out for run-on sentences.