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Originally Posted by Soquira
… she didn't have the slightest idea why she was running however…
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There should be a comma after ‘running’.
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Originally Posted by Soquira
It seemed as though hours had passed though it had only been seconds when she finally reached the edge of the clearing.
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I’d put a comma after ‘passed’. I also think you can drop the bit about how it had only been seconds. Since you state that it ‘seemed’ as though all that time had passed, the reader already understands that it hadn’t really passed. By saying it had only been seconds it just seems a bit redundant.
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Originally Posted by Soquira
As she took in the scene before her…
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To be honest I’m a bit surprised she did take it in. As wondrous as it is, I think I’d be a bit more concerned that I couldn’t move than the view around me.
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Originally Posted by Soquira
The scene before her was entrancing and unlike anything she had seen in her life.
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I’d alter the beginning of the sentence since you started the last sentence with ‘scene before her’.
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Originally Posted by Soquira
… risen up on her flesh.
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This is probably a personal preference, but I never cared for the word ‘flesh’ when referring to something that was just living skin. To me ‘flesh’ implies that it’s more than just skin – it’s all sorts of tissue.
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Originally Posted by Soquira
… (thankfully she could move that much,)…
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I think you could cut this.
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Originally Posted by Soquira
… however she could emit any kind of sound whatsoever.
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I think you could add a comma before ‘however’ and did you mean “couldn’t”?
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Originally Posted by Soquira
To look away even.
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I think you could drop ‘even’.
You might want to add something about the smell. Decomposition smells disgusting. If she couldn’t smell it for whatever reason, it would still be something to point out.
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Originally Posted by Soquira
However she could not will herself to stop staring.
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I’d add a comma after ‘however’.
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Originally Posted by Soquira
… at one point but this was definitely not true now.
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There should be a comma before ‘but’.
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Originally Posted by Soquira
her body was crumpled…
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‘her’ should be capitalized.
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Originally Posted by Soquira
… her flesh had been tinged with gray.
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Here is what I think of when the word ‘flesh’ is used. It’s not a good or beautiful thing. But again, that’s probably a personal preference.
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Originally Posted by Soquira
Her eyes were shut so if there was any damage it was completely unseen.
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Any damage to her eyes you mean? This sentence confused me a little.
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Originally Posted by Soquira
… and flowed down the woman's body life water.
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‘like’ water?
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Originally Posted by Soquira
… as his strayed from the corpse to her.
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‘as his gaze strayed’? I think you forgot a word there.
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Originally Posted by Soquira
… you seem ready to collapse?"
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Any particular reason this is a question?
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Originally Posted by Soquira
She didn't understand control he held over her though she had already grown far to accustomed to it.
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I’d add a comma before ‘though’ and ‘to’ should be ‘too’.
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Originally Posted by Soquira
… and she gagged but he pulled her closer to his face.
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There should be a comma before ‘but’.
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Originally Posted by Soquira
… to her own but pulled back with an angry as he felt her teeth sink in to his lips.
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There should be comma before ‘but’. And ‘with an angry’ what? I think you forgot a word.
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Originally Posted by Soquira
When she finally reawoke…
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I’d just use ‘awoke again’ since I don’t think ‘reawoke’ is actually a word.
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Originally Posted by Soquira
… of her chest but she was not responding to her environment in anyway.
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There should be a comma before ‘but’.
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Originally Posted by Soquira
…and attempted to to stand though she wobbled and fell to the ground.
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You have an extra ‘to’ and I’d change the ‘though’ to ‘but’.
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Originally Posted by Soquira
She tried to back away however he grabbed her roughly…
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I’d add a comma after ‘however’.
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I actually find that I disagree with LadyKnightSkye about the sentence structure. I think that if you made more extremely short, choppy sentences it would help accentuate the feeling of panic and fear. But it really depends on if you’re trying to emphasize what’s going on or how frightening it all is.
I know this is the prologue, but I felt a little lost from beginning to end. The bit about running without knowing why was a good opening, but by the end I was so confused by what was going on that I kind of lost my need to understand it. I got the feeling you wanted it to be confusing though, so my recommendation is to emphasize a bit more about how confused the main character is. She seems to know the man, even though it’s never stated. I think the fact that the main character knew more about what was going on than I did is what got me.
It was an interesting piece though and you seem to have some very interesting plot points for the upcoming story. Good luck with it!