I may eventually start a thread for my whole story in the main Lit. Spot forum, but for now I'd like to share what I wrote while I was out in the cold waiting for a bus that never came (upsetting, very - I had to catch a different bus so I was waiting twenty minutes longer than normal). My hands were freezing.

My typed version already comes with changes from my handwritten version but that's normally what happens when I copy things over from being handwritten. I beta myself here and there... changing up words, rearranging sentences and thoughts.

I've never posted anything like this on Mene before so critique would be wonderful. =D!!

begin~

Fallen leaves, decorated with frost, covered a wide, paved courtyard. It was hard to really say where the leaves came from, and no, not in particular which leaf came from which tree, for such is autumn. No, one who took notice of the leaves may well be in mild confusion due to the sheer lack of trees anywhere in visible sight.

However, any such aforesaid person would likely be more distracted by the black lightning dangerously crackling through the air at about eye level some thirty yards away. Or, the person may be even more fascinated with the gaping crater right in the middle of town. Which was likely the cause of the residual magical backlash that had the lightening dancing about. The crater was very large... surely something had been there? Something massive. A cathedral? That seemed to echo in the mind's eye. Yes, and a large grassy expanse. A path... lined with trees? Oh yes... surely the source of the leaves?

Yes, that did seem right. Vaguely. Whatever had been there wasn't there anymore, clearly. This all seemed to leave third person and suddenly Maveri really was standing there. He was now the viewer in first person. And so to the viewer a sudden thought occurred: This couldn't be anything but a dream right now. This couldn't possibly be real? In fact... Maveri didn't know this place at all nor how he got here.

But it didn't seem like a safe place to be.

~end

It was a bit of a dream sequence. Do you think that's an okay way to start? Do you have any complaints about my tenses, comma use, etc? (Most of my bad writing habits were weeded out by a very strict teacher in high school who complained constantly... to the point where I no longer felt like writing. It was very distressing... only now am I recovering. D=) And... overall, what's the feeling you get while reading this? Should I add in a few more descriptions first...? More of what it would be like to be standing there? What's around the courtyard, that the air smells funny or gravity itself seems a little lopsided? (Because it likely does? xD)

And do you have any idea how long I looked around to find out if it should be leaves or leafs? *shakes fist at nothing* It maybe probably should be leaves, as I had it originally, but I second guessed myself. Although, many people consider either to be correct usage. Multiple hoofs is hooves but roofs is not rooves. xD (And hoofs is also correct for hooves, same as leafs for leaves, but one is still technically more right than the other. >_<?)

I read your comments before I read the piece, and I just wanted to say that if you enjoy writing never, ever second guess it. Even if it’s not the most brilliant thing in the world, if it’s what you love always keep at it. So many people don’t have anything to love like writers have the written word that it would be a terrible shame to lose it.
Just wanted to say, keep at it. =]
--

Originally Posted by SSCeles

It was hard to really say where the leaves came from, and no, not in particular which leaf came from which tree, for such is autumn.

This sentence kind of confused me. It took me two reads to understand. I’d cut out ‘really’ and end it at ‘from’. I’d also cut out ‘and, no’ and rephrase the second part of the sentence into a new one.
“It was hard to say where the leaves came from. Not which particular leaf came from which particular tree, for such is autumn.”
I really like the idea of the sentence, but it just seems kind of convoluted the way you have it set up now.
The reason I suggest cutting out ‘and no’ is because usually when something like that is used, it’s because the coming answer/question is very obvious. And the question of which leaf coming from which tree didn’t really seem all that obvious to me.

Originally Posted by SSCeles

However, any such aforesaid person would likely be more distracted by the black lightning dangerously crackling through the air at about eye level some thirty yards away.

I understand this is a kind of dream sequence, but when you say ‘eye-level’ and ‘thirty yard away’ that means to me that these clouds are really, really low. Did you mean for that to be? Otherwise I’d cut one of the two out. If you cut out that they were at eye-level, the lightning would gain an immense height and terrifying stature. If you did away with ‘thirty yards away’, you could have a sense of foreboding doom rather than immediate danger.
It really depends on what mood you want to set.

--

I really didn’t see anything wrong with the piece. I had my two suggestions, but that’s pretty much nothing for me. I’m usually one of those people who points out a million little things.

I definitely got the ‘dream sequence’ feel from it. I think it’s a fine way to start: it captures the attention of the reader and gives us something to watch instead of just listening to exposition.

My only complaint is that I couldn’t ever really tell whether you were talking to the reader through narration or through the character, but since this is a dream sequence I think it’s fine to do. So long as it doesn’t remain like that throughout the story, I think your fine.

I think the level of description is fine. You don’t want to go too overboard, as well-done as it is. The idea of having more description further on is great, but you’ll want to put in some action/character interaction between it so as not to overwhelm the reader with description.

Also: ‘Leaves’ is right. =]

I hope this got continued in the last month or so!

Originally Posted by SSCeles

begin~

Fallen leaves, decorated with frost, covered a wide, paved courtyard. It was hard to really say where the leaves came from, and no, not in particular which leaf came from which tree, for such is autumn. No, one who took notice of the leaves may well be in mild confusion due to the sheer lack of trees anywhere in visible sight.

However, any such aforesaid person would likely be more distracted by the black lightning dangerously crackling through the air at about eye level some thirty yards away. Or, the person may be even more fascinated with the gaping crater right in the middle of town. Which was likely the cause of the residual magical backlash that had the lightening dancing about. The crater was very large... surely something had been there? Something massive. A cathedral? That seemed to echo in the mind's eye. Yes, and a large grassy expanse. A path... lined with trees? Oh yes... surely the source of the leaves?

Yes, that did seem right. Vaguely. Whatever had been there wasn't there anymore, clearly. This all seemed to leave third person and suddenly Maveri really was standing there. He was now the viewer in first person. And so to the viewer a sudden thought occurred: This couldn't be anything but a dream right now. This couldn't possibly be real? In fact... Maveri didn't know this place at all nor how he got here.

But it didn't seem like a safe place to be.

~end[/SIZE]

This does sound interesting, but it seems a bit block-like, like something is messing with the flow when I read it in my head. I think the bolded line in my quote was also phrased a bit awkwardly; it messes with the flow of things in the beginning for me. Now of course this is possibly a matter of personal preference, so maybe try reading it out loud yourself the way you thought it should sound. If it sounds fine, it likely is - I use reading out loud to help a lot in my own writing.

Also, some of the thoughts in your narration, the thought process, seems like it's worded awkwardly.

A path... lined with trees? Oh yes... surely the source of the leaves?

It's more the leaves bit. I'm not sure why it sounds off to me, if anyone else happens to agree it'd be great for them to post it so I can see if I'm just losing it, haha.

Also, the line I bolded and italicized seems like it should be a statement, rather than a question. If you're sure you want to leave it as a question, that's more than fine, after a few different read-throughs in my head I could make it work as one, but at first it seemed incorrect to me.

All in all, it's definitely interesting and written fairly well; I like your word choices and description. It does seem strange to me as the opening of a story, but I've read numerous books that have had a strange opening and expanded on what it meant that have been pretty darn good.

As for comma placement, I think you're pretty good - there was one spot I thought might have been wrong, until I realized I was reading it wrong myself xD

I prefer "leaves" to "leafs", myself, and you should never get discouraged by a teacher being strict on you. Often, if they can't pick on certain things in your writing, they over exaggerate little bits and pieces of your work because they want you to improve and get better. A writer can never ever be perfect, and it's that strict editor who makes the piece as close to perfect as can be. I find the three paragraphs very interesting, though also very confusing. If the dream is meant to be this way, it's perfect as-is. If it's meant to have a specific purpose other than that, you might want to expand on certain spots a bit more so that's more clear.

Let me sink my little claws into this one. :)

Fallen leaves, decorated with frost, covered a wide, paved courtyard. It was hard to really say where the leaves came from, and no, not in particular which leaf came from which tree, for such is autumn. No, one who took notice of the leaves may well be in mild confusion due to the sheer lack of trees anywhere in visible sight.

This is a little verbose. There are lots of unnecessary words, and although I like how the style is a little old-fashioned, most modern readers would get lost and/or frustrated and give up, which is something you really don't want to happen, especially during the first few sentences of your story.

However, any such aforesaid person would likely be more distracted by the black lightning dangerously crackling through the air at about eye level some thirty yards away.

The proper words in this case would be "aforementioned" instead of "aforesaid." Also, is lightning really black? I always thought it was more of a silver/white color, but I could be wrong...

Or, the person may be even more fascinated with the gaping crater right in the middle of town. Which was likely the cause of the residual magical backlash that had the lightning dancing about. The crater was very large... surely something had been there? Something massive. A cathedral? That seemed to echo in the mind's eye. Yes, and a large grassy expanse. A path... lined with trees? Oh yes... surely the source of the leaves?

I like this so far--it's conversational, and gives the reader a sense of intimacy with the narrator that really draws you in.

Yes, that did seem right. Vaguely. Whatever had been there wasn't there anymore, clearly. This all seemed to leave third person and suddenly Maveri really was standing there. He was now the viewer in first person. And so to the viewer a sudden thought occurred: This couldn't be anything but a dream right now. This couldn't possibly be real? In fact... Maveri didn't know this place at all nor how he got here.

The construction of this paragraph is a bit awkward and confusing. Is there a way to signal to the reader that the POV is shifting instead of just telling the reader it is? Remember, show, don't tell. :)

But it didn't seem like a safe place to be.

Ooh, I like this! It's spooky, and makes me want to read more.