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ShayleeFaerie11
Hidden in the trees.
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#1
Old 11-29-2009, 11:21 PM

Maybe Next Time

He's approaching,
and the peanut butter
from my sandwich
decides to quite stubbornly
stick to the roof of my mouth.

He's approaching,
and i tug at my clothes
self conscious.

He's approaching,
a shadow casts over
a previously sunny day.
two seconds,
two seconds more.

He's turning,
walking away.
he won't look over his shoulder,
not at me.

It's over.


I Ate My Words

I ate my words,
and now they're gone.
I ate my words,
and out came song.

And through my lips
[cherry-stained and shades of rose]
came music.

And off my tongue
[bitten back and tasting sharp]
came sound.

And out my throat
[sore and bitter hoarse]
came notes.

And from my soul
[innocent and overburdened]
came my words.

I ate my words,
and out came song.


(any constructive cristicism you have to offer would be great, but please try not to be too mean about it... opinions would be awesome too! thanks!)

Last edited by ShayleeFaerie11; 12-02-2009 at 01:25 AM.. Reason: Phrasing.

fuyumi_saito
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#2
Old 12-02-2009, 03:15 AM

I kind of feel like the first one doesn't flow as well as the second one. It's very humurous though, and I can feel the emotion there but I think you can elaborate more. Maybe how your heart pounds, how you hope he looks your way..I mean I get the feeling that that is what you're conveying through the actions you write in it. I just think it could have a bit more depth if that makes sense.

I really love the second one though. It's very charming ^^

Ainoryoku
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#3
Old 12-02-2009, 11:37 AM

1'st poem: .__. made me shiver- really, I mean i really like it and how you write is awesome~ I like it a lot~<3
2'nd poem: this should be lyrics for a song ~<3 I like it~ this is so musical

ShayleeFaerie11
Hidden in the trees.
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#4
Old 12-10-2009, 03:45 AM

Thank you both! <3

fuyumi_saito: I really appreciate the constructive criticism... thank you very much! I happen to agree about the first poem's flow. I find myself liking the way it sounds at times, but then wanting to add more... but i'm at the point where anything i add sounds wrong. >.< But i'm trying! :) Thanks!

Ainoryoku: Awh thank you. :) a lot! You really just made my day. <3

 


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