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Clockwork Lime
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#1
Old 12-13-2009, 01:00 PM

Hello, all! I posted this on my dA account (adametokillfor on deviantART), but haven't gotten much feedback on it. Since I rarely write poetry, I'm just wondering what your general thoughts on it are.

Thank you in advance for your time. :)

Quote:
Aunt Petrovina
always liked to clap gloved-
a pale
yellow sound, as we remembered it.

Stubby, well-fed fingers locked in lace;
We never saw her skin.

A great beauty once, was our
Auntie-
or so "They" said.

In the kitchen
or digging in soil
(and even in the bath),
That white tatted plating
never budged.

Her life,
muffled, as by the thousands of tiny strings;
we
dissected
her.

We said,
kitchen fire. automobile accident.
A verbal vivisection, day by day by day.

But dense mesh grew from
cloistered flesh like fingers of
pale mold.

And Auntie smiles, a Technicolor myth, and
kissed
babies, our fevered foreheads,
but never a mustachioed mouth.

And we wondered
as children do
And never stopped until
one day, years later.

Aunt Petrovina, in her lovely fragile safe,
still smiling;
We peeled back her armor to find

Fingers whole, and just like ours.


JML 2009

uncle jo
Your Mother's Brother
1917.18
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#2
Old 12-13-2009, 10:14 PM

I like it a lot. The end was fantastic! I love the message behind it. It was very clear what you were trying to get across without directly stating it, that's very hard to accomplish and you did a wonderful job! :3

Clockwork Lime
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#3
Old 12-14-2009, 04:50 AM

Aww, thank you! I got the idea when I was trying to fall asleep one afternoon (naps are amazing), and I wasn't sure if the whole thing would be clear enough. :)

Sizzla
Gangsta Biatch
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#4
Old 12-14-2009, 06:21 PM

I'm going to move this on over to the Poetry subforum, as I think it's more appropriate there. You can still get critiques in that forum as well. :yes:

Clockwork Lime
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#5
Old 12-15-2009, 04:33 AM

Thanks, Sizzla! :)

 


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