
02-02-2010, 07:45 PM
Interesting beginning, my main turn off was all the "..." I know what you were going for, believe me, I do it too, but you need to actually stop for a sentence every now and then. What I see when I see that is a very long sentence. With this you might also want (your choice) to put in more details. For example what is the person doing while they are saying/thinking this? Just details to pull the reader in even more. But not bad, rather intriguing.
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