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Blood_Princess
Blood Princess's World
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#1
Old 02-02-2010, 10:23 PM

I’m fading into darkness, I need to be saved.
But I refuse to be taken out of this darkness.
I’m starting to like it here, so cold, so dark.
I’m here and I linger. I’m lingering into this darkness.
The darkness that never exposes its self to light.
If it wasn’t you I wouldn’t be here.
its your fault im here. In this darkness..
If you cared, and dint leave me alone
I wouldn’t be drowning in my tears. Dieing in my pain.
All my fears have completely taken over.
I cant explain this pain.
But now I think I kinda like it.
I kinda like the thought of darkness taking control.
But I do miss looking at me with that face.
That face of happiness, is now the face of pain.
But now the only thing I can think of is this misery you put me threw.
My chest is killing me, my pain is eating me alive.
Now im fully covered in darkness, and there’s no turning back.

Sizzla
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#2
Old 02-03-2010, 03:34 PM

Blood_Princess, is this a poem? If so, it belongs in the Poetry subforum. Let me know and I can move it on over there for you. :yes:

Red Cross Robbery
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#3
Old 02-03-2010, 10:35 PM

This is just a friendly tip... you used the word "dark" 8 times. 8 out of 18 lines have the word dark in it, that's almost half the story/poem based around that one word. When people use the word "darkness" it's used to signify how creepy, and eerie, and in that sense, how profound it is. The mystery and to some degree, the power it has. When you use it that many times, it loses it's meaning, and instead comes off as a hot topic advertisement or something. For the future, try picking out some synonyms, or try your hand at implying. For starts, "shadows" is usually a word used in these kind of works, and will divert the attention from that single word. Anyway, hope you don't take it as an insult, and instead use it to your advantage in the future! Good luck :]

 



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