Quote:
Originally Posted by percy-jackson-lover
This is just the prolouge plaese comment even if you dont like it,Tell me what would make it better.
Prologue
Zac
I was on the prowl.Even though I had allready already substained sustained my thirst for tonight, I was restless for more- [please add spaces around this '-'] much the way humans eat when they're bored.I let my thoughts fly free and my senses kick in when there was a rustling in the woods to my left.I stepped lightly across the florest forest floor,setting into a crouch(dont know haw to spell).The head of a white tailed doe appeared above the bushes and grass.Before she could relize realize the danger I pounced on her quikly quickly and snaped snapped her neck.Befor Before I sink - I think it should be 'sank' here - my teeth into her juguler jugular(again cant spell) there was a new scent came upon me.It was intoxicating in a summer way,reminding me of a rose.I abandoned my prey to investigate the new scent.Trees gently made a path through the small forest.I ran to the third row of trees and quikly quickly climbed an old pine.After settling in the the low branches waited for the the source of the scent to come closer. You miss a subject in this sentence. ;) '[...]low branches, I waited[...]' is probably what you meant.
Madi
My pack and I ran across the feild field toward towards the creek within the forest.My body automatically tenced(again cant spell) tensed at the scent of prey.As the smell of deer got stronger, I could no longer resist the change chance.I crouched(spell) as my spine lengthened and bend bent,my ears crawled up my head,my teeth lengthed lengthened to fangs as my mouth stretched, [personally, I would use 'and' here instead of the ,]fur grew all over my body as my skin absorbed my clothes.The nails on my hands and feet turned to claws while my fingers and toes curled up into paws.As the transformation ended, I shook my snow white coat.
I pricked my ears at the sound of prey,most likely a deer.The pack and I were signaled by the leader to split up.We all went in differeent different directions.I was about to give over to instinct when a strange scent caught me by suprise surprise.It was everywhere.I paused and decided it would be better if i I were in my human form if i I wanted to investigate.I quickly righted myself and went down the small path in the woods.I walked off the path when I saw evidence of tracks.I froze at the sound of leaves snapping and crouched(spell)just in time to see a handsome boy fall out of a pine tree.
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The story is quite nice. One thing that does peeve me a bit is that you do not use a space between the period at the end of one sentence and the start of the following, or use a space after a comma. I've colored the spelling errors for you, added the correction after it.
You also forgot to capitalize the i (with the meaning of I, first person, etc.) a few times. Happens to all of us sometimes. :)
You describe the transformation nicely, but perhaps you could be a bit more descriptive at some points. It sounds a bit like you are summing up there, which is partially caused because you keep it all in one sentence, only split by commas. Maybe you could split it up in several sentences and describe it a bit more detailed.
The storyline is quite nice, I am interested in what will happen next. :) If you decide to post more, I will certainly read it.