As the sun drifts in our window warming my face, and I notice our cat curled up behind my legs. I give a small stretch so as not to desterb you or him. I debate on wether I should just snuggle back down or get up and start the day. As I listen i notice a slight noise comming from our daughter's room. "Uhhh" I grown, as I realize the choice has been made up for me. As I untangle myself from your reaching arms and my warm cozy blanket, I shiver as the cool air reaches my sensitive skin and I move across the room to the door taking a look back at you pretending to sleep. Your eyes are just slightly open. I know you like to watch me, as a shiver runs down my spine just from thinking about it. I leave the room just to go down one room and there is our daughter. Just as bright and bushy tailed as last night when we took turns trying to put her to sleep. As I slowly open the door and stick my head in she drop the toy she was playing with and toddles over to me dropping to her knees when she sees me turn the corner to the living room. When she pushes the door open just a little more I snach her up causing her to bubble over with laughter. 'OK bubby, lets get you breakfast....or we can wake up daddy first.'
to be continued.....



So what do you think? I know it's very short but it's just the beginging to see if anyone likes it

You have a lovely style! You're very good at describing movement and feeling and, in my opinion, drawing the reader into what's happening. I like the fact that you don't weigh down your style with a huge description of the rooms or the house that your character is drifting through because it leaves the reader to imagine whatever they like- but you may find, if you continue your story, that you will need to give brief descriptions so as not to be too vague or confusing. Does that make sense?

Really the only qualms that I have are spelling and punctuation/line breaks.
The spelling errors are very few, but they could potentially cause the reader a bit of confusion, so I would recommend just hitting your work with the spellchecker before you post it to avoid having to go back and edit it later.
Line breaks will help distinguish one part of the story from another, and you might want to cut down an your use of the word "As" to avoid seeming redundant. Edited a little, it might look something like this:

Originally Posted by kimonoki

As the sun drifts in our window warming my face, and I notice our cat curled up behind my legs; I give a small stretch so as not to disturb you or him. I debate on whether I should just snuggle back down or get up and start the day.
As I listen I notice a slight noise coming from our daughter's room.
"Uhhh" I groan as I realize the choice has been made for me.

I untangle myself from your reaching arms and my warm cozy blanket, and shiver as the cool air reaches my sensitive skin. I move across the room to the door taking a look back at you pretending to sleep. Your eyes are just slightly open.
I know you like to watch me.
A shiver runs down my spine just thinking about it.

I leave our room just to go down one room, and there is our daughter just as bright and bushy-tailed as last night when we took turns trying to put her to sleep. As I slowly open the door and stick my head in she drops the toy she was playing with and toddles over to me, dropping to her knees when she sees me turn the corner to the living room. When she pushes the door open just a little more I snatch her up causing her to bubble over with laughter.
'Okay, bubby, let's get you breakfast... or we can wake up daddy first.'

Please don't take my critique as being harsh or mean! ^^; I just really like your story so far and I would love to see it flourish on here. If I can be of any help or if you'd like an editor, please let me know! And please post more!

Originally Posted by bethedmundsguthrie

You have a lovely style! You're very good at describing movement and feeling and, in my opinion, drawing the reader into what's happening. I like the fact that you don't weigh down your style with a huge description of the rooms or the house that your character is drifting through because it leaves the reader to imagine whatever they like- but you may find, if you continue your story, that you will need to give brief descriptions so as not to be too vague or confusing. Does that make sense?

Really the only qualms that I have are spelling and punctuation/line breaks.
The spelling errors are very few, but they could potentially cause the reader a bit of confusion, so I would recommend just hitting your work with the spellchecker before you post it to avoid having to go back and edit it later.
Line breaks will help distinguish one part of the story from another, and you might want to cut down an your use of the word "As" to avoid seeming redundant. Edited a little, it might look something like this:



Please don't take my critique as being harsh or mean! ^^; I just really like your story so far and I would love to see it flourish on here. If I can be of any help or if you'd like an editor, please let me know! And please post more!

I'm not always good about spelling..:P..but i am at least [usually] pretty good about catching my spelling errors. And thank you so much for reading it. This is something I'm just kinda dreaming.... But yes I would love an editor.....even though I don't write much but i do like to put down my ramblings....lol =3