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Izzyosaur
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#1
Old 02-22-2010, 05:32 AM

Kissed by sunlight's dancing rays,
Time is stopped, nothing decays.
Dancing to a song you alone can hear,
Fearing nothing--though nothing is fear.

Swaying to the chiming in the wind
Willing the wheel to ever spin,
And leave you in this peaceful hour
Where you feel the greatest power.

Your voice raised in a song
You've never heard, but knew all along.
The body curves, twists and sways--
Fluid as the lazy river waves

And in the end your eyes blaze bright,
At the drumbeat, drawing you tight
And your feet move in fiery need
As you dance to the music's greed.

The shrieks of the slant of eyes,
Glitter as they plan your demise
And all your pretty hopes and dreams
Shatter within, ripping at the seams
________________________________________________
This was written....well truth be told I started it three or four years ago and finished it as I typed it here. Let me know what you think. Critique is highly welcomed, I haven't really written much since I started college so input that will help me grow is highly valued! Thank you for your time!! ^^

BTW: If you could help me name this piece, that would be terrific.

Ryokushin
Ryokushin Ikari Yuroshima
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#2
Old 02-22-2010, 05:46 AM

First, I changed it up a bit, here's what I thought would sound better, tell me if you like it?

Quote:
Kissed by the sunlight's dancing rays,
Time is stopped and nothing decays.
Dancing to a song only you can hear,
Fearing nothing--though nothing is fear[1].

Swaying to chimes in the wind
Willing[2] the wheel to ever spin,
Leaving you in this peaceful hour
Where you feel the greatest power.

Your voice raised in a song
You've never heard. One known all along.
The body curves, twists and sways--
Fluid as the lazy river waves

In the end your eyes blaze bright,
At the drumbeat, drawing you tight.
Your feet move in fiery need
As you dance to the musical greed.

The shrieks of slant eyes
Glitter as they plan your demise
And all your pretty hopes and dreams
Shatter within
ripping at the seams
--
I added the one at the very bottom (there should be an indent in the fifth line of the last stanza) because I feel that it adds a great visual aspect. A literal ripping of the poem, and making it ugly in comparison to the other stanzas. Also for [1] I was wondering. Why did you use this last line? Fearing nothing...? Are you saying stepping out of the box is frightening? For [2] I didn't understand what you meant. Willing the wheel to ever spin...I didn't mess with this line--it's awkward.

A title? The Final Seam.

Last edited by Flink; 02-22-2010 at 05:58 AM..

Izzyosaur
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#3
Old 02-22-2010, 05:51 AM

Ahh, thank you--exactly the feedback I was searching for!

1. This concept is one that has always made me think and wonder about it...fear is a fairly absurd concept is it not? I'm terrible at explaining myself, too me the line fits because of the way I perceive the concept of fear--yet to others it seems awkward and ill written.

2. The wheel would be that of Time. By willing the wheel to ever spin I mean to imply that time goes on without the character--or at least that is what is wished for.

Last edited by Izzyosaur; 02-22-2010 at 05:52 AM.. Reason: forgot a few things

Ryokushin
Ryokushin Ikari Yuroshima
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#4
Old 02-22-2010, 05:55 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Izzyosaur View Post
2. The wheel would be that of Time. By willing the wheel to ever spin I mean to imply that time goes on without the character--or at least that is what is wished for.
I figured that's what you meant, but the "willing the wheel" just sounds awkward, like it's forced. I think in this case what the narrator is trying to express is a type of control, so wouldn't it make sense to, instead, then have these two lines:

"Swaying to the chime in the winds
Grasping the wheel that forever spins."

I think that flows a lot more smoothly and holds a stronger power.

As for the "fear" uh--I can't help you out too much on that, sorry.

Izzyosaur
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#5
Old 02-22-2010, 05:57 AM

no worries ^^ Even those by authors long since turned to dust are still works in progress...at least to me anyway. Thanks again, I'll see about changing things around a bit here and there.

Ryokushin
Ryokushin Ikari Yuroshima
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#6
Old 02-22-2010, 05:58 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Izzyosaur View Post
no worries ^^ Even those by authors long since turned to dust are still works in progress...at least to me anyway. Thanks again, I'll see about changing things around a bit here and there.
Sounds good--these are just suggestions, it is ultimately your choice--but it's a good working poem. Good luck--if you have anything else, just private message me, and I'll do my best to make time.

 


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