*proceeds to flirt with Amaya*

We eagerly await the pictures! CZ's phone is dead so he'll have to check Gmail itself. :XD

I am actually really interested in this. I've always liked your hair when it was longer, so I'm eager to see it now.

Now that I want my hair to grow out I'm becoming impatient with it. I'm also unsure if I'm ready to let my hair grow out again. It seems to me as though I'm trying to avoid the personal growth I associated with taking place while my hair is short like it is now. If I'm not comfortable with myself with short hair then how can I be comfortable with myself with longer hair?

The easy answer is that I can't and I'm not sure what to do. In the past I've always had problems with trying the same methods over and over and growing my hair out feels like the same old method of dealing with my problems. It seems obvious to me that I should leave my hair short and yet I don't feel pretty with short hair. I feel very masculine and as if I present myself as masculine with short hair. While I might be more masculine in nature it's not what I want to be but I continue to reject femininity.

This belongs in DW. I'uno why it spilled out here.

I finally figured out how to get the pics from my camera! Pics have been sent to CZ.

(a dw response deserves a dw response)
I have always wanted long hair, natural or permed. The first time I got my hair permed I was in 6th grade and it was slightly past my shoulders. I loved it. Finally I had THE hair. I never maintained it though, so it festered into the mess it was when I left Texas. Also when I was in elementary school, I had a bully who told me I looked like a man weekly- if not daily. :/ Since I've always been bigger than everyone this hurt a lot. I've always tried to act femine even if my looks didn't scream it, as much as I wanted them to. But looking girly is a lot of work I wasn't really wanting to put into myself. I'
m just now starting to put the work in to look more feminine. I've been taking care of my hair, trying to figure out the best way to take care of my skin, and putting together a good plan to take care of my health and body. Long hair is a hallmark of femininity, but with my hair this short, I still don't feel like I'm presenting masculine. I feel like I'm finally being me.

Plus D didn't want me to cut my hair, ever, so the feeling that I own my body again is also quite nice.

Bed time for amaya!

Being feminine is a lot of work; maintaining hair and nails, your skin, your clothes, your body. Shaving and waxing and whatnot. It's a lot of time, work and money and I don't want to devote nearly as much as required to be considered really feminine. I've thought about making the switch over to wearing skirts most of the time (hippy skirts mind you) but I don't feel like I have the body for it. I don't have the body for a lot of really feminine looks.

Long hair really is the hallmark of femininity. Poor CZ.

What I really need to be focusing on is being healthy, mentally and physically. That should come before looks and by being healthier I'll be naturally prettier. Happier, healthier people are prettier.

I'm feeling rambly.

I don't really have the money, or want to spend the time either. Luckily, the things that make me feel more feminine can be done cheaply, and really boil down to good grooming habits. ... That last bit makes me sound disgusting.

I know how you feel; I just can't justify spending the money required to be really feminine. It's also a mindset I find difficult to adopt.

Psh, you're not disgusting. When I'm in a low period of the bipolar it can be a couple of weeks or more inbetween showers for me. Sometimes I never make it out of bed. During those periods there's not a lot of my laundry that needs to be done since I'm not changing clothes often. :sweat: :XD :cry:

Always finding the silver lining for that dark cloud, Scribbled.

For what it's worth, I can't stand nails that have been "done up." A plain French manicure goes much farther with me (or the do-it-yourself equivalent. really not hard.).

And what's this about my hair being the thing that makes me feminine? *quirks an eyebrow*

You're more feminine in general or at least it's the vibe I get from you. I like it. :) It makes me feel better about being more masculine because then we compliment each other's natures.

I've put a lot of thought into it,and I don't really feel at all bad about not being the testosterone driven maniac that many men my age make themselves out to be. I understand that there is more to some men, but, fuck, I can't see it. No,I'm glad that this allows people to see something apart from a gigantic flaccid penis whenever they look at me.

Aw, you make it sound as if I were having a laugh at your expense. :( Your femininity is part of why I was originally attracted to you. That and your silent creepiness. I like making silent, creepy people smile.

I don't mean to make it sound like you were making fun of me. Rather, I was trying to point out that there was a time when I resented my femininity. At times I still do, but I have found overall that it suits me--it allows me to get past stereotypical male bullshit and get to know people and have real meaningful conversations. It allows me to get past many of the institutionalized trappings of male society, as described by Norah Vincent. I hate to keep reference the same resource, but she described so succinctly the things that I hate most about modern American society.

There's no harm in referencing a good source. :XD

I don't really have anything else to say in reply other than supper is ready.

Supper is welcome, but I'm not looking forward to getting up for it. <_<;;

Aw, I'm sorry you're in so much pain tonight. Mayhap here in a little bit you can take some more of the pain killers. I hope that will help you. We've got to remember that you need to take pain killers preemptively in the morning before work.

Yeah, I totally spaced it this morning because of the rush I was in. I was (read: am) so fucking tired. Looking forward to my days off. ^^;

@CZ I would love to get acrylics. Just once to see what it would be like. BUt the I remeber that the salon has to ruin your natural nails to get the acrylics to stay on properly. Then i'm like "NO thank you" Plus they're REALLY expensive. Extra no thanks.

I really don't read you as feminine at all. Your hair is a very stereotypically feminine length. It is a fact of life. And on the flip side, I don't read Scrib as masculine, even though her hair is a stereotypically masculine length. I don't even think i would read yall as that if i didn't know you from adam and eve.

Yeah, that has no small part in why I'm not crazy about acrylics. Plus, every woman I've ever seen with them ends up chewing them off one at a time. Kinda grosses me out.

Compared to most of the men I know, I am not in the least bit masculine. I realize that I possess these traits, but I am able to hold my own in a competition of testosterone because of what I know, not because of how strong or hairy I am, how deep my voice is.

On that note, I still don't really think she is masculine. Some of her traits might be considered masculine next to the girly girls she compares herself to. She's just strong and demanding, but I don't personally find it unbecoming. She is still feminine in all the right ways.

They chew them off? EW. That just sounds disgusting.

Quite honestly, you probably dump a literal ton of testosterone on them because of what you know. Your interests are some of the most masculine things ever. (except for the knitting and the sewing. lol)

And all the right places. *clears throat*


HOW ARE YOU? It feels like i haven't talked to you in FOREVER. How is life?

It is very disgusting. I'm guessing it's a fidget-ey thing like nail biting, but everyone ever does it, apparently. I do not pretend to understand.

I can see how I would come across in a manly way when it comes to contests of masculinity, but, in all reality, I shouldn't because I am, like, the ideal martial arts student. That is to say, I'm more pacifist than I am Jean Claude Van Damme, if you take my meaning. The knitting and the sewing (and even the music) are kind of a huge contrast for people who don't know I'm just putting up a front.

I've been okay lately, as far as the MDD is concerned, probably because this new job is kicking my ass and I've not been sleeping enough to think about how I feel. The shoes I have are definitely not the right ones for the job, so I am developing blisters from pacing around my department for 8 hours a day. Things hurt in ways they haven't since the last time I had a job doing manual labor (which this is not. it is retail). I feel good about most of the work though, at least until I get to the end of the shift. I find myself looking forward to days when the store will be more busy so I can spend more time with customers and less time glancing down empty aisles. For the most part, I've been doing really well. It helps that I was already fairly knowledgeable about electronics in general, I suppose. I don't know how else to explain it. It feels good when I am able to answer a customer's questions. I have never experienced this kind of job satisfaction before.

Originally Posted by Corporate Zombie

I can see how I would come across in a manly way when it comes to contests of masculinity, but, in all reality, I shouldn't because I am, like, the ideal martial arts student. That is to say, I'm more pacifist than I am Jean Claude Van Damme, if you take my meaning. The knitting and the sewing (and even the music) are kind of a huge contrast for people who don't know I'm just putting up a front.

I'm not even going to pretend that i know what you're talking about. Color me confused.

I'm so glad that you're enjoying your job! Strange that job satisfaction came from a walmart electronics department, but one does not look a gift horse in the mouth. I am not glad that you're getting blisters.

Did you ever set up an appt. to see a therapist about your MDD?

Jean Claude Van Damme, in case you didn't know, what a huge martial arts movie star in the 90's. As in all American action films from the time, his characters were invariably martial artists and invariably portrayed as whirlwinds of uncontrollable rage and fists. This is not an accurate portrayal of the kinds of students martial arts instructors like to take on. The ideal student is a borderline pacifist and at peace, in both the mind and body. Someone that is not prone to fits of rage, not likely to seek revenge, and not likely to misuse the weapons their teacher gives them. Again, not how martial artists are portrayed in Hollywood. Yes, I am bitter. <_<

As far as job satisfaction goes, I probably could have achieved that with any electronics-centric store or department, it just happens that Wal-Mart was the one to actually give me a chance. Funny how that works.

I do have an appointment to see a therapist, just not until September 7. I'm not sure what we're going to do when that time comes. We had planned on just commuting and finding a place to live in P-town, but we don't know if it would be worth it. If getting new shoes doesn't help, then I probably won't be able to work long enough to transfer to K-town because of the rapid descent of my physical health.

Just a little bit. You hide it well!

... That is Little Mans Bday! How long do you need to work before you can transfer to ktown?

Weird how that works out. <_<;;

I have to work here for 6 months before I can apply for a transfer. So, sometime in February. v.v

I was thinking of taking him to the Children's museum, do you think you and the fam would want to come?

YOU CAN DO IT! Six months is piddly time! I'll keep my fingers crossed that the shoes help.