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broadway_princessxo34
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Old 02-25-2010, 09:27 PM

Ok I really need help with editing and with possably a new title.... This is just the first chapter which is mostly a flashback

~~~~Narrator~~~~

Once upon a time in a far off kingdom lived a young princess named Lila. There was also a young pirate named Raven…. Then there was Luis……

~~~~Lila~~~~

“I dislike boats.” I muttered gripping the railing as the small ship lurched to the side almost throwing me over board. “Princess we are almost there.” The ship’s captain said taking my arm to balance me. “You’re doing quite well for a first trip you know.” He laughed before walking away as the boat came to a halt and I rushed ashore.

“Goodbye Princess.” The captain said as the boat pulled away leaving me on one of the small poor islands I was expected to stay on for a week! How was I going to live a week without my wonderful castle?! I wasn’t even supposed to bring any other dresses but I had to. I am a princess after all, a slightly more the simple gorgeous princess that is. I held my bag in one arm hardly noticing it was there and stared out at the beautiful sunset. I had never seen anything prettier…except myself of course… and maybe Luis. Oh god I missed him.

~~~~Raven~~~~

Carefully I stretched out in the small crow’s nest. I didn’t enjoy being in tight spaces. It could have been worse though. As captain of the Black Rose I was….not to brag or anything….Completely amazingly perfect. Yes, I do think very highly of myself. The only small problem was the fact the sun was setting and I saw land, along with a young lady. She was much too far away to be able to tell who she was but none the less it was a lady…I hadn’t been able to go near one since Princess Lila’s father forced me to leave. “Land ho!!!!” I exclaimed climbing down deciding the lovely young lady would be coming aboard that evening.

~~~~Luis~~~~

“Why now….she’s change…I don’t think I could marry her anymore.” I said to my mother walking back to my room and sitting down on my bed wondering why this all had to be so complicated. Shouldn’t their always be a simple way to do things? I walked over to the small crib in my room and pulled out the cute little blonde toddler. He was only about a year old now and reminded me so much of his mother. I held him in my arms rocking him back and forth. I did somewhat want her here with me but she seemed so distant now. I wanted the woman I knew and loved not the stuck up princess she became now.

~~~~Narrator~~~~

Luis was somewhat self-centered but he didn’t think of himself as the best. He had secretly liked Lila but his brother, Raven, would have killed him if he knew. Of course that didn’t stop Lila from seeing him. Lila liked to cause drama…she also liked people fighting over her.

~~~~Lila (Two years ago) ~~~~

It’s technically my choice and I like both of them so what’s the point of choosing one. I debated silently over the fact Luis was so easy to get what I wanted from and Raven was much different. I really didn’t like Raven all that much but he was kind of fun to be around. My father would end up making him leave anyway. He likes Luis so much better.


~~~~Raven (Two years ago) ~~~~

Maybe she likes me…I don’t know she sure seems to at some points in time but then other times she doesn’t even pay attention to the fact I am around. It’s as if there’s someone else. I sure hope not I love her so much. I should go and talk to her later, maybe after I finish reading this book and we can sit down for a long chat.


~~~~Luis (Two years ago) ~~~~

“Lila?” I asked wrapping my arms around her waist. This was like the fifth time in one week that we ended up like this. She was lying next to me on the bed her arms wrapped around me and she kissed me again. You’d think she would be sick of kissing me after what had just happened but…I guess not. “Yes Luis?” She asked softly. I really loved her more than anything in the world, although I think she was just using me. “How does this keep happening?” I asked her.

~~~~Narrator~~~~

Luis really did love her so he didn’t mind the fact she might be using him. Until he found out about Raven that is….not that Raven had ever let things go so far.

~~~~Lila (Two years ago) ~~~~

“I don’t know….it just does. Don’t worry about it though. I’m sixteen; I can do what I want.” I said kissing him again. I liked him, I think a lot more than I liked Raven….but did I love him? He was already twenty. Maybe I just felt safe with him. I don’t know. Whatever the feeling was I hadn’t felt it with anyone else before. As much as I loved this…it scared me to think someone could make me think of someone other than myself. I pulled myself closer to him loving the feeling of his warm skin touching mine. I was just about to kiss him again when the door opened and a wave of fear went through me.

~~~~Raven (Two years ago) ~~~~

“Lila, Luis…What the heck!?” I said rubbing my eyes and looking at the two of them. Luis looked up surprised. He sat up quickly pulling the sheet up around himself and Lila. “I wanted to talk to you about something but now I guess that’s not going to happen.” I said unhappily. “Why? Why Lila?” I left the room and ran down to get her parents. He wasn’t going to let this happen.

~~~~Luis (Two years ago) ~~~~

I got up as soon as Raven was gone and got Lila’s nightgown handing it to her before putting my own pants and shirt. Lila sat on top of the bed dressed with her legs crossed and her hands folded looking up at me. “Lila, we shouldn’t do this…it’s not right.” I said sitting on the bed next to her and hugging her tightly. “But...I like you...a lot. Luis please don’t leave, we don’t have to anymore just don’t leave me alone.” She begged me I wasn’t ever really sure if she was telling the truth. It was really hard to tell.

~~~~Narrator~~~~

Her father was not happy when he found out. Not that he fully believed Raven, or cared what Lila did with Luis. He was mad at the fact it was both of them. She needed to just pick one and stick with it…or he could pick for her.


~~~~Lila (Two years ago)~~~~

“LILA!” My father screamed running into the room with Raven following close behind. Raven stood with a smirk on his face. “What are you doing?!” He demanded to know. How was I supposed to answer that? “I’m not doing anything! Can’t you just leave me alone!” I cried softly. Luis kept his arms around me for another moment before kissing my forehead and pulling away. “Luis, you’re a good kid but you don’t belong here. Go home.” My father said. His voice was cold and sent a chill down my spine as Luis stood and left the room without turning to glance back at me. A small empty hole formed in my heart and a few tears ran down my cheeks.

~~~~Raven (Two years ago) ~~~

Was I going to win this? Was Lila mine? Maybe her dad liked me more than I thought. Was that even possible? A small hope grew inside of me before he screamed. “RAVEN! GET OUT AND DON’T EVER COME BACK!” I jumped and looked at him surprised then to Lila, who stayed silent and didn’t protest. Sometimes I wondered about her. “Don’t say anything just leave.” He said to me. I didn’t move. “No….” I said but a guard came in and grabbed me pulling me out of the room. Lila watched me leave but no new tears fell from her eyes as they had for Luis. I left without a fight and went aboard a small ship to nowhere.

~~~~Luis (Two years ago) ~~~~

Sadly I left. I guess it wasn’t that big of a deal but I did like to spend time with Lila. It also seemed she enjoyed time around me. I think I’ll miss her. Time goes by though, we all move on and life changes. I just hope she’ll be ok. Although I shouldn’t think about it I’ll just be more upset. “Goodbye Lila.” I said again walking onto a boat back to my homeland. I would miss my life here, it had always been wonderful to feel so at home when you had parents who really didn’t care about you.

~~~~Narrator~~~~

A few months went by and things changed for all of them. Luis became king because his father died. Raven got his own ship and became captain of a small crew of pirates. Lila on the other hand learned she was going to have a child. Her life had changed the most. She became more self-centered than she ever had been and it worried everyone. She would sit days at a time doing nothing. Lila refused to eat most of the time and began to become painfully skinny and very pale.

~~~~Lila (One and a half years ago) ~~~~

I sat in my room tears came to my eyes. I didn’t care about anyone else. I really didn’t care if they lived or died. I didn’t even care if I lived or died anymore. I wasn’t ready for this and I couldn’t stand anything that was going on. I wanted to be my self-centered little self again and ignore everyone else. But nothing anyone said mattered anymore. He wasn’t here, Luis…he couldn’t ever be here. More tears ran down my cheeks. I missed him so much. I even missed Raven a little tiny bit. I couldn’t get through this without someone else. I was still a kid. Sixteen, not grown up like I had told Luis that night so many months ago… I missed him now more than ever I. A cry of pain came from my lips as I sat in agony on the floor of my room. Why couldn’t I just die? It would be so much less painful.

~~~~Luis (One and a half years ago) ~~~~

I really can’t think straight anymore. I missed her, I wanted to see her. Why did he have to make me go? A message came through the other day about her having a child. I don’t believe it’s mine... but that’s what they said. The letter scared me. I wasn’t sure what to think. She is only sixteen and she could get hurt, I hope she listens to them but it really doesn’t sound like that’s working out so well. “Lila…oh God” I mumbled as I read.

King Luis,

I’m writing to inform you that Lila is to have a child. I’m almost positive it’s yours but we won’t know for sure. Lila won’t talk to us, eat anything, or leave her room. We’re not sure what to do but at this point she’s going to starve to death. One night she was crying in her sleep and I could her he murmuring Luis. I think she wants you and I beg you to come back.

Thank You,

Jade


Jade? Who the heck was Jade??! Oh! Jade was Lila’s friend. She helped out in the castle. I wonder why she was the one who wrote. I decided it was best if I wrote back.


Jade,

I don’t know what to say or do. I can’t come back safely. I want to…you should know I do. Really though it’s really hard to leave without my father being around. Tell her I miss her and I’ll try my best to get there. Don’t let her think I abandoned her. I would never do that to her. Please let her know I’m here for her and if she needs anything just write.

Luis


~~~~Narrator~~~~

Luis did come back for a little while and stayed with Lila. That’s not really a happily ever after but he ended up saving her life.

~~~~Lila (One year and three months ago)~~~~

“Luis, he’s so cute!” I exclaimed with a small grin on my face. Luis knelt down by my bed and kissed the tiny child’s forehead. “What should we name him?” I asked looking over to him. He got here about three months ago after one of my friends/ servants wrote to him. My father wasn’t happy but I really didn’t care. I ate and gained weight after Luis got her and wasn’t as pale anymore. “I don’t know, what about Chris?” Luis said taking the child out of my arms and standing up.

Jade walked over and helped Lila sit up in her bed. “How are you feeling?” She asked fixing all the pillows and blankets. I smiled “I feel fine. Thanks for worrying about me.” Jade nodded and a man walked in taking her hand. He hadn’t been allowed to come before but I was happy that he could now. That way Jade could leave and Luis could talk to me alone.

~~~~Luis (One and a half years ago) ~~~~

It’s really hard to say goodbye to someone who just had a child, your child. I sat on the edge of the bed looking down at my new son before handing him back to her. “He’s beautiful, looks just like you. I’m gonna miss him and you.” Lila looked up at me surprised. “No! You can’t leave!” She cried. “Yes I can.” I stated kissing her forehead and backing away. “NO!” She cried trying to get up. “Luis don’t go! Please don’t leave me again.” I stopped moving and froze. I didn’t like to hear those words. “I’m not leaving you. I have to go home. It’s not really my choice. I can’t be king if I stay here.” I spoke just above a whisper and she managed to stand up and walk over to me with Chris in her arms. “I don’t want you to. Don’t leave me here alone again.” I took Chris from her arms and held him gently again. A tear came fell from her eyes and I kissed her holding it for a few moments and pulled away. “If you ever need anything just write to me. I’ll do what I can.” She stared up at me and more tears fell from her eyes and down her cheeks. A few of my own tears fell. I couldn’t stand seeing her like this. “Take care of him, for me.” Lila said looking at the child in my arms. He began to cry and scream again.

Lila lifted him from my arms and sang softly a lullaby that I hadn’t heard in so many years. Her voice was soft and sweet. When Chris fell asleep in her arms and she handed him back to me more tears in her eyes than before. “Go no. Please just leave.” She said turning and walking over to the window silent sobs coming from her. I turned and started to walk away but stopped and glanced back at her for a second before leaving.

~~~~Narrator~~~~

Lila tried to forget about everything but never fully did. She stopped paying attention to others and stayed to herself. Even her best friend Jade couldn’t help her.

~~~~Lila (One year ago)~~~~

“No!” I said throwing a pillow at her and bursting into tears. Jade put her arms around me and hugged me tightly. She knew me way to well. I couldn’t be rude to her she’s my best friend, only friend. I couldn’t live without her. “Don’t cry Lila. Everything’s going to be ok. I promise.” Jade said quietly. What would I do without my best friend? I think I would die…not that I was far from dying.

“Do you think he’ll come back?” I asked stifling a sob. She knew how I felt. Christopher, my brother, had left her and I think he was about to ask her to marry him...but then my father just had to se0nd him off to war. Jade wasn’t royal so my father did not think it was proper. I think it hurt her to have that happen. At least I knew Luis was alive. “Maybe, I don’t know. I can’t say he will but there is a chance he might, same with your brother.” We were both crying now after she spoke and comforting each other. “They’ll be back, they have to come back.” I said.

After a while we both couldn’t help but burst out laughing. We sounded so pathetic it wasn’t even funny. I was so glad I had someone like her to be my friend. She was the only person I was ever open with and trusted with anything I ever had to say. She listened and didn’t ever get mad no matter what I could possible say even if I was being selfish.
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kougerkat
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#2
Old 03-01-2010, 04:15 AM

You might want to re-think exactly how you want to write the first chapter. Shifting point of views can be interesting, but if you look at what's published, the point of view usually takes up a chapter or two. Waiting until the new chapter to jump point of views.

As well, you'll want to either stay in first person style completely (a.k.a. get rid of the narration sections) or shift and write it in third person. You can still give the insight into the character's thought process, in third person style, but it will make the narration sections less random when they're there.

 


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